Some random thoughts that have arisen over the last week as I acclimate to this new state:
- I don’t know if this is a permanent state. I have definitely gotten better at “slipping back into it” when old conditioning overcomes me.
- WayneX (just a term I’m using for the old state) fears this is too good to be true. He’s afraid it sounds egotistical.
- As I walk outside, my eyes are constantly focused downward, making sure I don’t step on the small flowers that cover the ground here. This isn’t conscious, just something I found myself doing. As strange as it sounds, I can “feel” the life in them.
- So far (since it happened), I’m always in this new state – I can always feel the purity of it – even asleep. It is often “weak” though unless I focus on it.
- I see now why Tolle and Gangji always have that stoned look on their faces: they are sitting in awe of “being” (in awe of the present moment, but that isn’t quite accurate). WayneX thought they were just BS-ing. I now believe this is a true, heart-felt condition while they are in front of an audience, but I doubt the “awe” is permanent (ie: when they are driving a car or otherwise focusing their attention on a physical action). For the last week, I’ve sat for hours each day in that goofy, stoned-looking state. Bliss, appreciation, awe, wonder, expansiveness – you get the point.
- “Desire” is not based on the future, but on imagination. WayneX thought enlightened people wouldn’t experience desire because it required a future (outside the “Now”). Desire is imagination in the present moment.
- WayneX was/is made of a lot of conditioned personas. The main personas: In isolation; in dealing with strangers; in dealing with family/friends; in work relations; in sex; in presenting to the public. Each of these personas has deep, powerful conditioning that is very easy to overwhelm pure, enlightened presence. Probably each will have to be dealt with individually.
- WayneX fears people will think he’s gone crazy or has gotten into drugs. The experience of enlightenment IS a lot like my LSD experience (see Fading Toward Enlightenment ) – powerful “living” colors and textures and a profound feeling of connectedness – but without the illusions/hallucinations.
More thoughts later. Many of these issues I had pondered while “liquid,” (WayneX) and I think recording these thoughts might be useful for others seeking enlightenment. You don’t hear of people going through this process often, probably even less often do you find them documenting it. It’s a delicate balance though: as I learned from the frog master: Thinking is exactly what keeps each of us from seeing this state.
PS: If it sounds like I’ve become schizophrenic (two personalities), I understand your concern – but the experience is more like the feeling of watching a movie when you are caught up in the story (WayneX) and then, when the lights come on, you find yourself “back” as the real you – current Wayne (new Wayne, neo-Wayne???) I also understand why people change their names after they’ve gone through this – and WayneX thought that was stupid too. 🙂
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