Dry Run Satsang & My Missing Identity

A Sun of Delray

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL–I held a “test” satsang (talk) with friends on Saturday, and, as with most feedback from my fellow Floridians, I got mixed reviews. From my perspective, some aspects flowed nicely while others felt forced and clunky.

Nine friends were invited. Four showed up. The talk seemed to resonated with two, and the other two were critical (one openly hostile or, if you are the PC type (which I’m definitely not), healthily aggressive).

As with any worthwhile growth, once the pain fades, insights are usually revealed.

The main criticism seemed to be that I present a mixed message and energy. “Are you a Student or a Teacher?” was the key question. My answer was, “I don’t feel like either.”

Once again quoting Marc Gilson’s review of Fading Toward Enlightenment, “He (Wayne) is not a guru or a teacher. He is an explorer, a field man more than an academic.” Somewhere along the line I seemed to have drifted away from that “explorer-who-doesn’t-have-all-the-answers” humbleness in my message and tone.

My Missing Identity

Part of my problem is that I don’t know who or what I am anymore. The cut-and-paste answer is that I am “pure awareness” but that isn’t what it feels like. Since my identity with the personal self dropped, I seem to be in “constantly shifting” mode. I go from being Oneness to Passion to Thinking to Talking to Eating to Sleeping to Bliss to Confusion to the Present to the Future. About the only thing I don’t seem to be is the Past. Six months into this awakening and I still don’t feel “settled.”

So I’m looking at this. I’m diving deep into my (mind? awareness?) to see what the hell I’m missing. I know it has something to do with “transcend and include.” I’ve transcended the ego, but I’ve yet to integrate the “higher version” of it. Any useful links on “here’s how I adapted to me not being here anymore” would be appreciated. 🙂

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12 thoughts on “Dry Run Satsang & My Missing Identity

  1. How about “I’m a student passing along what I’ve learned so far”. A teacher of any subject that stops trying to learn more isn’t much of a teacher.

  2. Wayne,

    Check out this page and see if you might find
    something of value.

    xo xo
    Deb

    After Spiritual Ecstasy,
    Then What?

    “You cannot stay on the summit forever.
    You have to come down again.
    One climbs and one sees;
    one descends and one sees no longer,
    but one has seen.
    There is an art to conducting oneself
    by the memory of what one saw higher up.
    When one no longer sees,
    one can at least still know. ”

    ~ Rene Daumal

    http://www.fromthestars.com/page175.html

  3. Hi there,

    Check out Papagi, or his student Gangaji.

    He says that we need to just stop, stop trying that is. Trying is the problem. If we stop trying, everything just happens. When you think you think. When you plan you plan. When you eat you eat. Simple. So don’t try to be a teacher, just be who you are. If others start calling you a teacher, or a student, that is their concern.

    This philosophy is inline with the Bhagavad Gita teaching: In the inner world, reside in the Self, and in this world, strive without attachment.

  4. Dear Wayne, I can’t imagine “pure awareness” feeling like anything, as that would give it an emotional aspect. Discovery of such a profound and limitless scope of knowledge , labeled “pure awareness” on a 3 D planet fluxing into 5 D… and 6 months later, still feeling unsettled does not strike me as unusual. Some times, “standing still” while all of your being catches up is required. Think of a propeller on a plane. When it is standing still you see each individual blade, but as it’s speed increases the propellers disappear. The propellers are still there, but one’s perception can not track them as individuals. So you wake up one day and discover that you can now actually track the individual propellers and you can apply that new gift to other objects of interest…but everyone else has no clue about what you are able to see and you have yet to find the words to explain it to yourself or others; you just “Know”. So you will do what you have come here to do…take the next , “leap of faith” , when you are ready !

    I am so very glad you are “out there”

    Deep Blessings, whitewolf

  5. Wayne,
    As I shared with you on the phone yesterday (which those feeling were just from the heart & not a response to your blog, as I am just reading it today), I felt blessed to be a part of your first “dry run” sharing. Here is what I posted on my facebook page along with a link to your blog today:

    my friend wayne’s honesty & humble attitude gives me true enlightenment to understand the limitless love & sharing we can all “Be”. I have been turned off by alot of “Spiritual Materialist”, so I say yippie for Wayne and his honesty about his confusion….because really, Aren’t we all just making this all up???

    NAMASTE MY FRIEND!
    THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU, WE, I , US…..LOL

    LOVE U!
    DD,

  6. Dearest Wayne after early morning yoga practise and meditation i open my copy of light on yoga (B.K.S. Iyengar) and feel this may be a usefull link, as it most amazingly never fails to assure, inspire and guide me ever into the deepest most sacred well of my spirit soul even when life around me looks out of place then i permeate peace knowing..

    Isvara pranidhana. Dedication to the Lord (the 5 th niyama – codes of conduct the yogi applies in life) they are universal in their action, as listed by sage Patanjali.

    “In bhakti, the mind, the intellect and the will are surrendered to the Lord and the sadhaka prays: I do not know what is good for me. Thy will be done. In bhakti or true love there is no place for “i” and “mine”. When the feeling of i and mine dissapears the individual soul has reached full growth. When the mind has been emptied of desires of personal gratification, it should be filled with thoughts of the Lord. Attempts to practise bhakti without emptying the mind of desires is like building a fire with wet fuel. A mind with desires does not ignite and glow, nor does it generate light and warmth when touched with the fire of knowledge.

    The name of the Lord is like the Sun, dispelling all darkness. The moon is full when it faces the sun. The individual soul experiences fullness (purnata) when it faces the Lord. If the shadow of the earth comes between the full moon and the sun there is an eclipse. If the feeling of “I” or “mine” casts its shadow upon the experience of fullness, all efforts of the sadhaka to gain peace are futile. Actions mirror a man’s personality better than his words. The yogi has learnt the art of dedicating all his actions to the Lord and so they reflect the divinity within him.”

    a most beautiful poem by Sankaracharya i read to you now..

    I am neither ego nor reason, i am neither mind nor thought,
    i cannot be heard nor cast into words, nor by smell nor sight ever caught:
    In light and wind i am not found, nor yet in earht and sky –
    Consciousness and joy incarnate, Bliss of the Blissful am I.
    ….
    Neither knowable, knowledge, nor knower am i, formless is my form,
    i dwell within the senses but they are not my home;
    Ever serenely balanced, i am neither free nor bound-
    Consciousness and joy am I, and bliss is where I am found.

    ~Be still dearest being of light that you are and join within the core of stillness of the heart, for there we unite and are swept away into the One by whom we are ever held perfect and pure as the light of that by which we are adorned.

    Love, courage, and power of command allways in humble service is my earnest wish for you..

  7. This one is easy. You are both teacher and student. Any teacher who is not also a student is a fool. And any student who does not think they have something to teach does not know him/herself.

  8. Hi Wayne — Thanks yet again for sharing all facets of your journey so openly and sincerely. A lot of people default to “I am pure awareness” … I’ve done it myself (quote-unquote) … and agree, it doesn’t always quite cut it, so to speak. Quite possibly the most accurate description for the true nature of the self, on the ground moment-to-moment-experiencing -wise, is “I am what is happening right now”, which is a quote from … you, actually. Please don’t let its profundity escape you, just because it escaped from you; it’s the real deal, pertinent-pointer wise. The problem is this: ego-minds are basically walking iterations of the idea of “What about me?” .. and even when the personal self is seen through, the conditioning … pervasive throughout the body-mind system … treats ideas related to reflective self-reference as important and pertinent. They’re neither. They’re simply inaccurate and energy misdirecting. And the body-mind keeps kicking them (these ideas) up, to a greater (if reinforced) or lesser (if naturally released) degree. And since there’s no real “releaser”, it gets kinda tricky. I find that simply not looking in the rearview mirror of self-reference resolves 99%+ of any issue surrounding any of this. Just. Keep. Going … in other words. Realization/Enlightenment happen (the experiencing and/or the ongoing experience of freedom from personal self) .. and the body-mind system … which effectively *is* a memory, is re-created in the image of the new awareness. Looking back in any way (I need to figure this out; I need to address issue x and/or issue y) … gets you right back into pillar-of-salt land. Lot didn’t look back. His wife did. Not looking back makes all the non-difference. I hope this helps; it’s purely a stream-of-consciousness kinda thing … as are we.

  9. I don’t know if I am right here, so I’ll partly joke:) but what about taking a subtle identity, then watching and playing with it, looking where it goes (leads to), looking for subtle ways to test it (in some situations it may be “correct”, how it feels, and not acting the way it wants if it doesn’t feel right?.. That is inquiring into the identity?.. Until it possibly goes…

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