EUGENE, OR–As I’ve mentioned often, making personal decisions has become surprisingly difficult for me since awakening. I don’t have problems solving problems (software design, trouble-shooting, etc.), but, because there is no “me” left (as weird as that sounds), there seems to be no basis for making decisions about my life or direction–nothing to rest the decision on.
Recently though, I think I’ve found a solution: Listen for Her/Us/TheUniverse to “tell” me. I’m not talking about psychosis or schizophrenia, but listening to powerful intuition, emotional feedback, and synchronicity. More below the break (huh?).
The problem : Pre-enlightenment personal decisions are almost always ego-based.
My ego barrier–like Star Trek’s invisible shields that protect the ship–is (mostly) down. There is no “person” to maintain them, nothing to protect in here. I don’t care if I run out of money. I don’t care if I die. I don’t care if I lose everything I own or even an arm or a leg. None of that is “me,” so there is nothing to protect.
Without something to protect (seeking constant pleasure is just protecting yourself from boredom and perceived meaninglessness), how can a non-egocentric person make decisions?
Here is what I’m finding out, but it takes a little preliminary explanation: Imagine You, an openness behind your thoughts, are surrounded by a large protective wall, the ego barrier. The ego barrier protects you from imagined dangers that you believe exist outside the wall. Most people confuse (incorrectly) that the ego barrier, the wall, is who they are, and not (correctly) the “watcher behind the wall.”
One of the qualities of waking up is realizing that you are not the wall, and dropping this wall (the ego barrier). When you remove the wall, you realize–and this is why you feel one with everything–that there is no difference from what was inside the wall and what was outside the wall. You realize that the separation was always an illusion.
This “oneness” is very real and is in fact why synchronicity and intuition increase a thousand-fold upon dropping the ego-barrier: Everything is all the same thing. Communication between the “poles” (Inside and Outside) flows more naturally. Egoless intention becomes reality.
What I have found is that when I resist where She/We/TheUniverse is pushing me, things in my life start to fall apart (take the truck for example). When I contemplate a direction that isn’t in line with Her/Our/TheUniverse’s intentions, I feel sick to my stomach. When I contemplate an option that lies in harmony with Her intentions, I feel relief and at peace, even if that decision goes against everything that a normal, ego-based person would decide.
An example of emotional feedback:
Rather than trying to fix the truck, I’ve decided to donate it to charity (the Oregon Food Bank). When I thought about fixing it, diagnosing it, or selling it, I felt sick to my stomach–literally, a knotting queasiness. When I thought about donating it, I felt great. The ego barrier, trying to protect itself, thinks I’m crazy, that I’m just throwing money away that I will need later (“Be afraid. Be afraid. I’m here to protect you. There’s danger out there!”). Screw that bastard (the ego-barrier trying to protect, well, the ego barrier), he’s been giving me nothing but trouble lately.
An example of synchronicity and intuition:
As I mentioned in recent posts, I had been considering settling in somewhere and working on the consulting project and a book. The book has been gnawing at me, even though it isn’t clear exactly what it will be about, it is a constant tugging… an urging. “Rambling boy why don’t you settle down, LA can’t be your kind of town…” That song’s been going through my mind for months. When the truck broke down here in Eugene, when the woman didn’t call me back about renting her apartment, I was confused, “If this is where She/We/TheUniverse wants me to be (the truck dying here), why didn’t the woman call me back?”
That evening I got an email from my mother saying she needs major surgery soon. They have a condo nearby (actually it is my sister’s) which is vacant and would be perfect for writing. Though the selfish, little, ego-barrier-Wayne-thing keeps trying to get out of Florida, the moment I read that my mother was sick–as odd and selfish as this sounds–that sense of peace fell over me and I knew that was where I was supposed to “settle down” for a few months. I knew I was supposed to be there for her (my mother) and for Her (my Outside).
When you let down your walls and drop the ego-barrier, Life doesn’t always go the way you want it, but–because without a wall there is no difference between You-the-Inside and You-the-Outside–Life always goes the way that… it was meant to.
After finishing the draft of this post, I heard a knock at my door and… well, this post is long enough. Stay tuned.
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