On Suicide

Palm Tree at Dawn

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--Blogs–personal blogs–are raw. They are not like writing autobiographies with outlines, editors, and well considered chapters. Personal blogs are like a photo album of an individual’s life, taken a day at a time, laid out in sequence for all the world to see. Moreover, the really interesting blogs are like intimate diaries.

Marc Gilson of Mind Chatter Magazine, in reviewing Fading Toward Enlightenment, wrote that “Wayne recounts each step of his journey with unflinching frankness,” and “few match the openness and honesty Wayne shares with the reader.”

In this blog, I’ve tried to maintain the same level of intimacy as I did in FTE: to confess my doubts, confusions, and hesitations right alongside the beauty, joys, and insights. Unlike many, I don’t just show my “spiritual teacher” face, or a side of me that makes me look good. With the only exception being where the privacy of others is involved–I lay it all out there, the Good, the Bad, and the Boring.

A few years ago, I decided that, when my money ran out, rather than find a real job, which I have no interest in, I was going to kill myself. I spoke of this kind of off-handedly–and regretting it as soon as I was saying it–in the video, How I Awoke to Enlightenment. I mentioned this because I wanted future spiritual seekers to know how seriously I wanted to wake up and, ironically, how after finally giving up on enlightenment, it helped “activate” the dropping away of the personal self. Eckhart Tolle mentioned this very same paradox when he said, “You have to want enlightenment as badly as a drowning man wants a breath of air, and at the same time, you have to give up the desire for enlightenment altogether.”

As I wrote this blog, day in and day out, I wanted the entries to confess an open and honest account of my life, I wanted the blog to be a true reflection of what many devote spiritual seekers contemplate–how they have deep and private doubts, how they often feel isolated and misunderstood by society. How, when they look into the Void, they see nothing but a vast, cold darkness as their heart drops and their body cowers away in fear.

But then, by some miracle, I woke up and everything I thought I knew about myself changed. I no longer knew who I was anymore (more accurately, what I was). I still don’t. I don’t know how to make a rational decision anymore. I don’t know what is important to me anymore. I don’t know how to say “no.” I have almost no personal desires, and most frustrating of all, I don’t know how to make others understand me because I don’t even understand myself. How do you explain to your mother that you’re going to kill yourself when your money runs out because you have no fear of death and no desire to live on the street? How do you make others understand your values when even you don’t understand them, and yet you feel them nonetheless? Well, at least now you understand the Post Enlightenment Family blog entry.

Anyway, I guess I had hoped that nobody would take my comment in the video seriously (or would assume I had reconsidered it) until after I was dead. Soon after I posted the video though, my buddy Jim mentioned it (but we had talked about “suicide as a solution” before so I kind of dismissed it) but then today my friend Sula (who I had never talked about this with) confronted me with it and then I knew I was screwed.

Man, this post is worse than my Dark Night of the Soul post (which, to this day, I have not re-read).

So here was my dilemma: I didn’t want to tell readers my “plan” because I didn’t want them sending me money based on that (which is a form of blackmail). But I also wanted people to understand just how serious you’ve got to be, as Tolle said, in order to wake up. And I wanted this blog to be as brutally open and honest as I’ve always been. And I still have hope that either the talks or a DVD idea I have will generate enough income to survive. But, as Sula made so abundantly clear today, “it’s out there, so we get to talk about it no matter how bad it makes you feel.” Which–and I’d really thought I’d gotten past all this–sucks.

So I’m screwed. What little I know about what little there is left of me, is that I know I can’t lie.

So driving home from my lunch with Sula, I thought, this is going to haunt me, this isn’t going to go away on its own. I was too honest, I should have lied about how I woke up and told the truth later from a time-delayed “post from the grave.”

And in thinking about those painful and hopeless days five months ago, those days when I had said to myself, “I didn’t succeed. It’s over. I failed again,” I felt another shift. Driving down I-95, I saw once again that I was in a hopeless position and–once again–I surrendered. I realized that suicide couldn’t be an option in this strange new world that I’ve found myself in–and with that realization, that wonderful familiar feeling of release came over me and I felt another chunk of “Wayne” fall into the Void as She/God/Spirit moved through this pitiful shell that I call myself and I heard Her say, “Relax, let me drive a bit.”

(I’ve turned off the “Donations” links for awhile because I’m totally serious: I had to confess the above, but I’m not going to accept anyone’s money because of it.)

It's Time To Wake Up

Mystical Oneness and the Nine Aspects of BeingMystical Oneness and the Nine Aspects of Being is a step-by-step guide to enlightenment and beyond.

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It's Time To Be Happy

The Serentity TechniqueWe live in divisive times.

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It's Time Let Go

My Dying WordsImagine I have only seven days left to live.
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11 thoughts on “On Suicide

  1. Wayne – do not deny and open to the love from all of Us in every moment. Surrender to life and all the opportunities both form and formless. I can not thank you enough!

  2. Wayne, You have helped me in so many ways. You helped me get through some rough emotional times last year. Of all the people I know, you are the one I can turn to when there was no one else, because you really “get” it. I miss you, wish you would come back to LA. Thank you for everything that you do.
    Love you,

  3. Hi Wayne,
    I stumbled across your webpage one day and very quickly realized an affinity with you. I immediately ordered FTE and when it arrived I sat and read it cover to cover. I couldn’t put it down, it was unlike anything I had read before, it brought forward an experience that I recognized and greatly appreciated. I followed your link to Holosync and purchased it purely on your recommendation – I have greatly benefitted from that too. I follow your blog and video blogs and greatly anticipate the next entries; they are the first I read out of the many blogs I follow on RSS. You have an insight and an understanding that we greatly need to be ever more expressed in this world, and you always do this with beauty and clarity.
    Personally, I have never considered suicide. It seems to me that from the little I have, there is always something I can do or give to the world; and to rob the world of myself would be a crime. I am not surprised your mother didn’t appreciate being told you wanted to kill yourself – I mean c’mon?!? Please don’t choose to be so selfish!
    Financially, if you need money, I would propose you write another book. Even taking your blog entries and publishing them. I for one would buy it in an instant. Also, I notice you don’t use Twitter, which surprises me considering your online presence. I would recommend it as you can share your thoughts more regularly and it can create a greater feeling of community with people interested in your life… and Eckhart Tolle uses it 😉
    Thank you for being there and doing what you do so well.

  4. Loved your post both beautiful and bizarre (somewhat likened to a weird movie 😉 at the same time, allways so transparrent and open. For one this is what drew me to the blog in the first place!

    The soul has no boundaries; explains why we have lost all fear including that of death, but would be contradictory to end the gift of life when not yet in season.. Your openess and see-through nature rejoyces when you celebrate it all, telling of a hero’s victories and tribulations. Hiding or conceiling our truth would only mean that we avoid what needs to be dealt with now. In life for me i come to see dailly how it is absolute and vital that we approach all aspects of our nature. Even the parts we dont particularly cherish. I practise non-violence in this case not considdering harming myself or others, not by word or action and when life presses hard and as i often feel like i am floating around on planet Q,( am i the only one here?!) in these moments i draw deep within. Into the space where silence is true to our essence and core. The space in the lap of time. The space where all is limitless and where one can be, rest and ponder to find sustinence. Where our roots can draw moisture from the core of life itself. And it is within these moments that i know to stay right in the centre, in the eye of the storm. For there we are held upright, held tight in fondness by the one who guides and mark our course. The one who’s lotus feet are thousands but has no feet.. I am left enchanted by Thou grace.. For the wonder of the source of life brings us closer to the thrill of life without any limits.

    Loved and eternally perfect as the heart of that by which we are so fondly nurtured ..

    Oh as i was about to press submit these words came to mind.. You can relax now, i am with you, breath deeply now i am with you. You are eternity and that will never change.. What an amazing thought!

  5. Re: suicide, it comes down to these questions, I think:

    1. Would you want to run that gauntlet again? I.e., spend another four or five decades (barely) surviving the travails of personal selfhood before waking up and getting free again?

    2. Is there any degree of pain that may arise from this point forward that’d compare to the pain of starting from scratch again in yet another go-round?

    You can’t bail. Because there’s no “you” to bail. But there is karma, and tons of it. And so long as that residue remains, the merry-go-round continues. Your silence created it. So snuffing this particular body is laughably ineffective. May as well stick around and let yourself be made use of in this hard-earned freedom, rather than start yet another bout of fitful struggle, no?

  6. Quinzelle – Yes, his name is Doc, he is an American Bulldog. I think he may have been a Civil War dog in a former life – he loves reenacting battles as much as I.

    I’m wondering if pets and their human guides were together in former lives. I’m always taking in strays and finding them homes, but occasionally I will come accross one and we make an immediate bond. After my 14 yo female Rottwieler died a co-worker said she had a dog she wanted me to have and I kept telling her no, I was still too sad over loosing her and I wasn’t interested in a male dog. She brought him to work anyway and it was love at first sight. I took him home bathed him, cut his nails and he jumped on the couch and slept like that was his spot his whole life. (I named him Doc because he helped heal my broken heart). You can see more of him at: http://www.facebook.com/#/doug.coone?ref=profile

  7. Doug what a beautiful blessing you have been sent in the form of Doc! As we are all connected at the same level (and this connection very evident when we look into anothers eye’s) we can also sense, feel, know that our pets too are a part of this connection.. and yes you may very well have the priveledge and grace of his/her soul once again this time round.. for no thing is not possible..

    For love being the universal medium of exchange our pets for certain are very capable of extending this love in the form of their presense. Harmonious relationships are ever the sweet notes in our existence. ~Thanks for the link will connect!

    Love and light Q

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