DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--Blogs–personal blogs–are raw. They are not like writing autobiographies with outlines, editors, and well considered chapters. Personal blogs are like a photo album of an individual’s life, taken a day at a time, laid out in sequence for all the world to see. Moreover, the really interesting blogs are like intimate diaries.
Marc Gilson of Mind Chatter Magazine, in reviewing Fading Toward Enlightenment, wrote that “Wayne recounts each step of his journey with unflinching frankness,” and “few match the openness and honesty Wayne shares with the reader.”
In this blog, I’ve tried to maintain the same level of intimacy as I did in FTE: to confess my doubts, confusions, and hesitations right alongside the beauty, joys, and insights. Unlike many, I don’t just show my “spiritual teacher” face, or a side of me that makes me look good. With the only exception being where the privacy of others is involved–I lay it all out there, the Good, the Bad, and the Boring.
A few years ago, I decided that, when my money ran out, rather than find a real job, which I have no interest in, I was going to kill myself. I spoke of this kind of off-handedly–and regretting it as soon as I was saying it–in the video, How I Awoke to Enlightenment. I mentioned this because I wanted future spiritual seekers to know how seriously I wanted to wake up and, ironically, how after finally giving up on enlightenment, it helped “activate” the dropping away of the personal self. Eckhart Tolle mentioned this very same paradox when he said, “You have to want enlightenment as badly as a drowning man wants a breath of air, and at the same time, you have to give up the desire for enlightenment altogether.”
As I wrote this blog, day in and day out, I wanted the entries to confess an open and honest account of my life, I wanted the blog to be a true reflection of what many devote spiritual seekers contemplate–how they have deep and private doubts, how they often feel isolated and misunderstood by society. How, when they look into the Void, they see nothing but a vast, cold darkness as their heart drops and their body cowers away in fear.
But then, by some miracle, I woke up and everything I thought I knew about myself changed. I no longer knew who I was anymore (more accurately, what I was). I still don’t. I don’t know how to make a rational decision anymore. I don’t know what is important to me anymore. I don’t know how to say “no.” I have almost no personal desires, and most frustrating of all, I don’t know how to make others understand me because I don’t even understand myself. How do you explain to your mother that you’re going to kill yourself when your money runs out because you have no fear of death and no desire to live on the street? How do you make others understand your values when even you don’t understand them, and yet you feel them nonetheless? Well, at least now you understand the Post Enlightenment Family blog entry.
Anyway, I guess I had hoped that nobody would take my comment in the video seriously (or would assume I had reconsidered it) until after I was dead. Soon after I posted the video though, my buddy Jim mentioned it (but we had talked about “suicide as a solution” before so I kind of dismissed it) but then today my friend Sula (who I had never talked about this with) confronted me with it and then I knew I was screwed.
Man, this post is worse than my Dark Night of the Soul post (which, to this day, I have not re-read).
So here was my dilemma: I didn’t want to tell readers my “plan” because I didn’t want them sending me money based on that (which is a form of blackmail). But I also wanted people to understand just how serious you’ve got to be, as Tolle said, in order to wake up. And I wanted this blog to be as brutally open and honest as I’ve always been. And I still have hope that either the talks or a DVD idea I have will generate enough income to survive. But, as Sula made so abundantly clear today, “it’s out there, so we get to talk about it no matter how bad it makes you feel.” Which–and I’d really thought I’d gotten past all this–sucks.
So I’m screwed. What little I know about what little there is left of me, is that I know I can’t lie.
So driving home from my lunch with Sula, I thought, this is going to haunt me, this isn’t going to go away on its own. I was too honest, I should have lied about how I woke up and told the truth later from a time-delayed “post from the grave.”
And in thinking about those painful and hopeless days five months ago, those days when I had said to myself, “I didn’t succeed. It’s over. I failed again,” I felt another shift. Driving down I-95, I saw once again that I was in a hopeless position and–once again–I surrendered. I realized that suicide couldn’t be an option in this strange new world that I’ve found myself in–and with that realization, that wonderful familiar feeling of release came over me and I felt another chunk of “Wayne” fall into the Void as She/God/Spirit moved through this pitiful shell that I call myself and I heard Her say, “Relax, let me drive a bit.”
(I’ve turned off the “Donations” links for awhile because I’m totally serious: I had to confess the above, but I’m not going to accept anyone’s money because of it.)
It's Time To Wake Up
Mystical Oneness and the Nine Aspects of Being is a step-by-step guide to enlightenment and beyond.
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