The Unfortunate Fire Ant Incident

Ant Battle

PALM BAY, FL–And now for something completely different.

The other day, the exterminators for the condo association sprayed outside the buildings. When ants in Florida see exterminators their usual response is to exclaim, “What? Is it moving day already?”

So last night, I strip naked, turn out the lights and slip into bed. Unbeknownst to me, an entire colony of fire ants had moved their nest between the top sheet and the bottom sheet of my bed.

Not under the bed. Not between the top sheet and the blanket, but between the sheets… exactly where my naked butt would soon come to rest.

Additionally, by lifting the sheets to climb into bed, many ants clung to the underside of the top sheet, so when the sheet came to rest gently upon my naked and vulnerable body, the above mentioned ants (did I mention they were FIRE ants?) came to rest gently upon my naked and vulnerable genitals.

So let me set the scene for you: An entire COLONY of ants. FIRE ants. In the BED. In the DARK. Naked and vulnerable GENITALS.

I’m sorry to say but it didn’t end well for either of us.

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9 thoughts on “The Unfortunate Fire Ant Incident

  1. Wowza. Guessing it was a bit loud and …. active …. at least for a little while. My condolences to your genitals. :o) … And I’m pretty sure that jumping, screaming, possibly swearing, and/while enthusiastically killing ants *is* the “enlightened response” in that situation! 😀

  2. Ouch. You need an armadillo suit, my dear!
    Well, look at the bright side (not that bright red side, the other bright side) – all that hopping and jumping and dancing probably realigned your chakras pretty well. 😉

  3. Ouch. I’m elbow deep in blood, guts and pus most every day and I almost couldn’t finish reading this. The closest I can come to this is when I still lived in Florida and was rulely awakened by a scorpion. Luckely on the arm and not in the nether regions.

  4. sounds soooo uncomfortable. What a bummer.

    Please revisit this post about 3 months from now because I wonder if there is some symbolic lessons in this. But, now is not the time, for sure.


  5. Thought you might find this fun & interesting. Ted Andrews, author of many books on animal & nature signs & omens equates profound encounters with any type of animal as a “clue by four up side the head” I can’t think of a much more profound experience than yours. lol……here’s what his Animal Speak Pocket Guide says regarding ants: “Ant = (Industriousness) Pursue your work for the common good. If your efforts are true, the rewards will follow. Build from the ground up-no short cuts.” 😉

  6. Scorpions, Fire Ants, Alligators lurking in the family swimming pool. Escaped Boa Constrictors and Pythons visiting through dog doors, Hurricanes……………….no thanks, I’ll just sit here in Washington State and wait for the “Big One” (earthquake) to get me. Were you thinking about sex???? Because apparently, “She” is not wanting you to be having any sex for awhile, LOL. Seriously, I hope you are feeing better, that was a traumatic encounter.

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