LOLO NATIONAL FOREST NEAR ST. REGIS, MT–As I drove northwest from Missoula, I stopped by a river, read, ate, and took a bath in its cool, clear waters. With no pressing engagements, I decided to spend the night.
I love the freedom that the stealth camper provides. Without the need to research campgrounds, I can just drive off in any direction I feel like heading, stop when I’m tired, make camp pretty much wherever. The freedom is wonderful.
In the last post I mentioned that I was inquiring into this “pebble” of self, this “Wayne” thing. If you’re interested, I go into it more below the break (huh?).
Often there seems to be this tiny little knot of “me,” a frustrating feeling of separation from Her. I’ve come to realize what this knot is: It is a felt sense of (false) self brought on by thoughts of “Wayne’s Future.”
When my personal self dropped a year ago, what fell away was the story of “Wayne Wirs.” I saw through the illusion of myself as my history, my lifestyle, my strengths, weaknesses, faults, guilts, prides, etc.. Simply put, I stopped thinking of myself as my past and my story.
What remained of “me” was simple, clear awareness and–quite to my surprise–deeply entrenched conditioned thoughts and reactions.
The conditioned reactions are fading pretty much on their own and quite frankly don’t bother me nearly as much as they used to.
But what I didn’t realize until recently, is that there is often a lingering “Wayne of Christmas Future” embedded within me. “Where will I live? What will I do? Should I write a book? Should I teach?” Buzz, buzz, buzz.
Though I’ve never come across this in my studies of spiritual growth, thoughts of our future–our life’s direction–also create a false identity: a separate sense of self.
Since this realization, I’ve started watching for those thoughts of “Wayne’s Future” and just letting them go. I don’t know if I’ll teach. I don’t know if I’ll write a book. I don’t know where I’ll live.
More importantly, this realization has made me not care about those things. Because Future Wayne feels yucky and hard and clunky (and now that I understand where he comes from) he’s fairly easy to let go of (and a LOT easier than the personal self was).
And when I do let go of this future Wayne-thing, just like that, the separation between me and Her vanishes. Without a past and without a future, there’s no me–no Wayne.
No me, no Wayne–not even any Her. Just… (a three second pause as I look for the right word)… harmony.
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Mystical Oneness and the Nine Aspects of Being is a step-by-step guide to enlightenment and beyond.
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