What is the Ego? (Re-Revisited)

Two Geese

DENVER, CO—I don’t usually use the word ego when talking about Mystical Oneness because the term ego has so many connotations.

As I see it, the ego consists of three distinct layers:

  • Layer 1: The Personal Story
  • Layer 2: The Personality
  • Layer 3: The Ego Barrier

If you seek enlightenment, rather than trying to “drop the ego” all at once, it is much simpler to shed the ego by transcending its individual layers one at a time:

Though each of these layers may feel like they are a part of you… they are not. They’re just mental fluff and conditioning, nothing more.

PS: Transcend doesn’t mean fix, or drop. By transcend I mean to see past it, to dis-identify with it, to distance yourself from it. See your Story, Personality, and Ego Barrier in the same way as you see any other Horton: not you, just another mental image.

PPS: For my previous, pre-mystical attempts to define the ego, see this entry and this entry (Yeah, I know, but this a blog, not a book, and Life’s messy that way).

That Wonderful Nauseous (Nauseating?) Feeling

Empty Outdoor Cafe

DENVER, CO—I woke up at 4am this morning with that nauseous (nauseating?) feeling (feeling of nausea?) that I often get when I’m doing something “wrong.” I couldn’t figure it out since I’ve decided not to decide on, well, anything. I’ve decided I’m only going to do what only feels right, or toss the die (thanks Tom), or do nothing at all.

So why was I feeling nauseous?

After I got up, I went down to my car, and discovered that I had another flat tire. Thank God/Her that it went flat last night at the hotel and not way the hell up there in the Rockies where I was yesterday, because this morning I couldn’t get the tire off the wheel studs no matter how much I banged it with a hammer. I ended up having to call a tow truck.

Maybe there’s something more to these ill feelings than I suspected. Before I woke up, I had never seriously believed in psychic abilities (which is one of the benefits of the Radiant Level), but this, at least to me, is pretty compelling evidence.

PS: When your flat tire won’t come off the wheel studs, don’t sweat it. Just put on some heavy shoes, sit down in front of the tire and kick the bejesus out of the edge of the rim with the heel of your foot until it pops off (that’s what they did at the tire shop).

No Self Means No Self Motivation

Stained Glass and Window Shutter

MISSOULA, MT—Self motivation drives practically everyone. But what happens when you have no self? What motivates you when you’ve seen through the illusion of “you?”

If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I struggle with this issue—how difficult I find it to make personal, self-centered decisions—and this issue has become very apparent over these last couple of months as I find myself on the road with nothing to “do” and nowhere to do it.

More below the break (huh?).

Read more…

How I Ended Up In Spokane

Oh No!

MISSOULA, MT—My mind has been going back and forth on the whole RV vs Fixed Quarters issue. Yesterday (Thursday) as I left Ferndale, I said to myself, “Well, let me just go check out Portland one more time.”

As I drove south, I had that distinct nauseous sensation that I often feel when my life is about to go to hell. But my mind said “Portland! You love Portland! Just get it out of your system. Make sure you really want the RV life.”

As I continued southward, I passed a highway sign which said, “Spokane” but it didn’t say it in my normal internal voice, it whispered it, and when She whispered, She whispered in a very sensual voice, “Spokaaaaaaane..”

I listened, turned and headed back eastward.

By heading back inland, where the weather changes from season to season and thus not on my list of places to live, that whisper kind of pushed me in the direction of the RV (since I wouldn’t want to live in Spokane or anyplace which gets a lot of snow).

I think I’ve decided—and I reserve the right to change my mind later—to head down to Arizona or New Mexico where I know the boondocking is easy and there are a lot of used RVs for sale.

I have to admit though, I’m still wrestling with this. Bad mind! Baaaadddd.

I’ve Been Everywhere, Man

Little Stones Up Close

FERNDALE, WA—After crisscrossing Oregon and the coast of Washington the last few day, I’m seriously leaning toward going back to the nomad life, I realized I just love too much. I love the ocean and the coastline and the mountains and the forests and the deserts and the cities and the towns and the open plains. When you love everything, how can you be expected to pick one thing?

Picking just a single spot to live seems so… permanent. Yuck.

Relationships, Mystical Oneness and Traditional Nonduality

Arrow in the Alley

EUGENE, OR—Reader Emily posted this comment/question a few days ago:

Enjoying your posts and hearing about your journey as always, Wayne. Not sure if you’ve already addressed this before; but how would you “live as a soul” if you were married and had children to take care of? I’m interested to hear your ‘take’ on that. 😉

My reply below the break (huh?).

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Stumbling Northward

The Pacific Coastline

ASHLAND, OR—Over the last few days I’ve checked out a number of California towns to see if they felt right—Lake Tahoe, Point Arena, Mendocino, Fort Bragg, Arcata, Mount Shasta. Each “called” to me on the map, but after driving through them and about them and talking with their people, none of them felt quite right.

I had been to Tahoe and Mount Shasta before (and loved them), but this time they felt “off.” I guess She’s got something else in mind.

What has become clear to me are the things that I’m drawn to: Nature and trails nearby, free-thinkers, coffee shops and bookstores, mild winters and summers. I like college towns because of their energy. Arcata is close (the town and people remind me of the Hawthorne district of Portland), but too isolated. Ashland’s close, but somehow too… civilized? Tomorrow I’m going to check out Jacksonville, OR, then head north to Eugene, Corvallis, etc. I’m open to (and appreciative of) suggestions.

I think if I don’t find a place to call home by the time I hit Canada, I’ll buy a used truck and travel trailer and return to my nomadic ways. Who knows?

Either way, I can’t lose.

The Lonely Road

The Salt Lake City Mormon Temple

FALLON, NV—I’m heading west again.

Yesterday, on the loneliest part of the Loneliest Road (US 50 in NV), my front tire blew out. When I knelt to examine the remains, I impaled my hands and knees on about a thousand tiny thorns that cover the ground here (it’s a lonely and prickly road). I jumped around and swore for a few seconds, caught my breath (it’s a lonely and prickly and high road), jacked up the car, changed the tire and continued on.

Another cool thing about living as a Soul is that practically nothing that happens in this Mortal life is a big deal. If the car had caught fire and everything I own burned up… not a big deal. I’d regret losing my computer, but only as a reaction.

From the perspective of the Soul, this life is comparable to say, a year in high school. It seems important (and long) going through it, but from the big picture view (of your Big Picture Life), it is nothing.

When you look at life this way, you fear nothing. You take risks, you win, you lose, you pick yourself up, pull out the damn thorns, and continue down the road.

Living Life as a Soul is so much nicer than when I lived as a Mortal.