The Surrendering of the Ego

Bridge over the Rio Chama

HERON LAKE SP, NM—I originally wrote the following post three weeks ago, but something in me—you know, Her—told me to wait a bit before publishing it.

Here is what has happened in my student’s life between when the post was written, and today:

  • Her out-of-country boyfriend arrived in town for a visit. This was expected, but the anticipation may have helped add to her “personality distress.”
  • She caught malaria which, as painful as it must have been, probably helped get her through the darkest part of her “transformation.”
  • She is now much more at peace with her “split personality state” (Radiance).

The original text below the break (huh?).

My one remaining student is going through hell. Her ego is shattered and in pieces; raw, vague but powerful emotions are roaring through her; and her identity is flip-flopping between her old self and the Light.

As you go about learning the ropes of the Radiant Level, your sense of identity kind of splits. You feel there are two aspects to you: a hard, thin shell (or portal) and the Light which radiates from within the shell (or flows through the portal). Sometimes you’re the shell, sometimes you’re the Light. It can be very confusing.

As you get used to this “fractured self,” the old conditioned belief in a solid self—the ego—just can’t hold together any longer. Emotions pour out. Sometimes sadness, sometimes love, sometime anger, sometimes blissful joy.

I went through this difficult transition in only a couple of days because I didn’t have anyone to help or guide me. I went through a really sucky Dark Night of the Soul. Hopefully Michelle won’t have to go through that—that her transition into a stable Radiance will be less traumatic.

Either way, she’ll stabilize. The two halves of Radiance will learn to live in harmony and her emotions will subside (though they will always remain much more intense—more pure—than her old ego-centric days, as there is little left to hold them back).

Radiance is a wonderful way to live once you relax with the illusion of separation between ‘you’ (the shell) and Her (the Light). Indeed, after Radiance, Oneness is kind of a let down.

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