Journal 1/9/13: A Dark Night and a Magical Day

CITY OF ROCKS SP, NM—Sorry these posts are so long, but there’s a weird and powerful energy to this place…

Date: January 9, 2013 8:03 AM 

A Dark Night

Starting at 2:56am and torturing me for about two hours (according to my voice recorder), a powerful insight began to form: I am addicted to my ideas—and (as sacrilegious as this may sound) my mind is cursed with extreme creativity—it is constantly spewing out fascinating and enticing ideas.

When I get hit with these ideas, I spend a lot of energy trying to flesh them out, understand them, and explain them.

The sentence above is exactly what is creating the ongoing, recurring “hardness” that repeatedly pulls me away from Her: The TRYING: trying to understand, trying to piece together, trying to explain.

I’m addicted to all these damn ideas and I hate (not an exaggeration) that their appeal keeps pulling me away from Her.

Do they have a 12-step program for addiction to creativity?

Date: January 9, 2013 8:22 AM 

The Inquiry into Hardness

The above all started when I asked myself (at 2:56am), “Why don’t you feel you are ready to teach in person?”

The answer: “I still feel my personality, my presentation, is too hard.”

Q: “What is this hardness composed of?”

A: “Focusing on explaining all these insights that come up.”

Q: “What is wrong with that?”

A: “All the theories and explanations are too rational, they pull me away from the love I feel when I’m with Her and that makes me angry.”

Date: January 9, 2013 9:56 AM 

My Demon

Instead of getting right to work (I don’t know why Jim hasn’t fired me long ago), I went for a walk to contemplate this painful insight.

My feet trod fast, and my Demon raged, “No, you can’t get rid of me! I’m your inspiration! I’m your success! I’m your security! I’m why people read your blog! I’m the creativity that everyone dreams of having! I’m your future!

He screamed, he raged, and as the sound of my footsteps would bring me back into Oneness, he’d scream louder and drag me back out.

Back and forth we’d go and slowly it dawned on me a new practice, one to practice every chance I get, every chance I can remember: To be the opening for Her. Not like a prophet or messiah or new-age channeller of spirits, but like a sense-organ for Her, a way for Her to see and experience the World… as an opening for Her to perceive Herself.

The world slowly came back into focus, and as I opened to Her, I saw with that heightened sense of clarity the birds and shrubs and rocks. The wind in the weather vane as I passed by sang with a divine music and by the time I arrived back at my rig, my pace had slowed to that of a monk in an abbey.

Can an alcoholic transcend his lust for the drink? Can a creative transcend his love of a great idea?

The 12-step programs would say, “No.”

The non-transparent nondual teachers (sadly the only kind I know of out there) would say, “Yes.”

But the God’s honest truth is, I simply don’t know.


Date: January 9, 2013 10:56 AM 

147 “Someday” Blog Posts

To demonstrate my “creative addiction,” I just took a screen shot of a pageful of all the “Someday” blog posts. I have a total of 147 “Someday” blog posts in my queue.

Then on a whim, I pulled up my website stats for the day: 147 page views so far today.

Both 147.

I take “coincidences” like that as sign I’m on the right track—that this creative addiction is something I need to seriously address.


Date: January 9, 2013 4:31 PM 

A Magical Walk

I worked a few hours writing some complex code, then, mentally tired, I put on my shoes and went for a walk.

I opened and expanded and allowed Her to see through me. It was beautiful. It felt as if I were giving Her a precious gift, something She rarely experiences.

Clear and open and deeply still inside, I ambled slowly down a dirt road that leads out into the prairie. I look up and see my boar ambling along at about the same slow pace towards me, completely unaware of my presence. Seeing that our paths will cross if I continue, I stop and wait and point my iPod to snap some photos. It isn’t until he is but a few yards away that he sees me and, in a sudden burst of energy and dust, runs out across the plain. I was oddly still—silently grateful—and I recalled that time when some wild birds nibbled on my toes when I was particularly… clear.

The road turned into a path and after a mile or so, the path led me back to camp and I followed it up into the rocks. With my iPod set to “random, play all” I climbed high up upon a large rock and sat down to look out over the vista. As I settled in, Loreena McKennitt’s hauntingly beautiful Dante’s Prayer came through the headphones and when she sang the following lyrics, I smiled and nodded to Her in gratitude at having acknowledged my “dark night.”

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me.

#She #MiracleLog

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14 thoughts on “Journal 1/9/13: A Dark Night and a Magical Day

  1. Well,
    creativity is not the problem, but the feeling of taking credit for the ideas. With that I mean, the sense of joy or bliss that may be in direct contact with the idea. Since change is impossible if there is a subject thinking he is doing the change – and since we tend to want to take credit for everything we do – because of that we should be happy to see the creativity. We should look at it as a pointer to our hidden conditioning. In that sense its the greatest gift. We can adress this process and ask questions, like: what makes me enjoy being creative, why do I think this matters, who in me think it is important, what is the goal that makes this important etc.
    Did you get my mail yesterday? I forgot to write anything in the “subject field”..
    Well, creativity is as I see it the negative force, the created stuff that come from the thought identity. Maybe you are talking about some other non personal form of creativity. My problem is that I stopped being creative and I am slowly turning into a “ghost” or a “shadow”. And I cant see a problem with that, so there is no way to turn the ship around.
    I guess it just doesnt fit the expectations put upon me by society and family.

    • I did get your email Avaloki. For replies that require some research (looking up blog post links), I put those off until Sundays, but since you seem anxious I’ll let you do the research. 🙂

      I’ve been through everything you’re going though, thought I knew it all. I’ve seen this pattern time and time again in those who have passed through or have glimpsed the gateless gate.

      Fortunately, I was blogging the whole time, so all your answers can be found on this blog. Start here (when the Illumination began for me) and work your way forward.

      Please don’t comment on any posts until you finish as you will see a profound and dramatic change in my… perspective.

      • Hi, tanks for the respons. Well, I am not anxious. I have transcended all desires. So I am not. I never feel things like hate, anger etc. It went away.
        So, for these things to get back, I have to become a believer again.
        I think creativity is one of the traps. Me mtself have been a profesional artist, writer, moviemaker. So I know what creativity is, and I know when and why its not there anymore.
        Maybe if a person have not been very creative, in his past, he will get caugt in the joy of having great ideas and making beautiful things.
        Its nothing wrong with beeing creative. But to think it is part of oneself, is not correct. Since there is no self. We are it.
        As you wrote, something about… seeing myself seeing myself through the eyes of other creatures. Thats what its all about. That is all that can happen.
        All the rest is superstition (belief)
        Resisting we should never do. But we can see the conditioning in our self, and accept it.
        I dont know what you have been through. How could I?
        I know what I know. The rest I dont know.
        But when people write or speak we can see if there are misconceptions or not.
        How magic things may feel, there is no “point” in them. It just is. It happens. And the strange part is that we can see it. And the beauty. Though its totally pointless.
        I wonder what you meant by hardness, about teaching… There is no such.
        Truth hurts, but hurt/pain is just belief.
        I have seen your transformation in the videos. I think its quite amazing to see.
        Happy for you!

  2. Sounds like you’re resisting your desire for creativity.

    Resistance and escape represent ego’s reaction to the reality beyond its control. On the contrary, dominance and receptivity represent ego’s reaction to the controllable reality.
    – Masahito Koishikawa

  3. As Avaloki says the problem is not with creativity. It is, after all, Her creativity. The same creativity that brought spoken language, written language, books, printing presses, computers, smart phones, the internet that enables us to communicate news and experience of Her to an ever wider circle of seekers. It brought trucks, campers, fabrics for clothing, farming for food, the supply chain that brings the food to us, bricks & mortar, concrete, asphalt, steel, aluminum, glass, lithium, etc. etc. There is no duality, it’s all Her’s. Her creativity resides in this earthy form, for Her use. Sometimes She prods some of us to produce a virtual fountain of ideas, yet requires others to be quiescent.
    ‎”The most important product of knowledge is ignorance.”
    David Gross, Ph.D., winner of the 2004 Nobel Prize in Physics.
    quoted in Robert Burton’s book “On Being Certain; Believing you are right even when you’re not”

  4. To be the opening for Her. Not like a prophet or messiah or new-age channeller of spirits, but like a sense-organ for Her, a way for Her to see and experience the World… as an opening for Her to perceive Herself.

    This experience is so life-full. Last year when I was hiking in the Tehachapis after 35 days in the Southern California desert, I began to feel as though the mountains were gently vibrating (or humming). At the same time, a glowing hue fell over everything and I began to experience a type of “merger state” where I no longer fell separate from the mountains. Rather, I felt as though I was some kind of sense organ like the eyes and ears of the mountains feeling their breath.

    • Excellent description Mark.

      It’s kind of a reverse of typical spiritual practice. It’s not about getting something out of it, but giving (in this case, to Her).

      Sort of like taking care of an ailing friend or relative. It’s selfless (but it still feels good).

  5. seems to me like you’re talking about inspiration (in spirit)
    And whats not to love about inspiration.
    Enlightened, self-realised, solid, fluid, being in spirit (inspired) apparently makes us feel good no matter what state we’re in.

    That… and chocolate :p

    keep it up Wayne

  6. I appreciate your raw experience and willingness to open it up for others to see. Very inspiring to me, a new traveler. Thank-you

  7. It is really a gift you are giving to open up this conversation, which is an important one, I think. Nassim Haramein says “We are sensing instruments for the Divine”. If it is in a spirit of sharing, then it is a movement of celebrating the love of knowledge, of the many facets of Her. Just as your photography is a celebration of the beauty.

    For me, I have had some difficulties in reconciling my work, which is creative, with my spiritual quest. There is tension around wanting to do it well. Of course I am attached to the outcome, so a true letting go of that isn’t easy. It has brought up a lot of questions for me: Is excellence (in the arts) always ego-driven? Where does the enthusiasm to create come from in a nondual state of being? Can we really exert the effort to do well at something without being attached to the outcome? For me spiritual openings come when I am living in my van, present-moment awareness much more available….

    I love hearing this discussion, which is made possible by your openness, and which is, in itself, a creative act…

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