Squinting Into The Light

A Study In Yellow

A Study In Yellow

CLINTON, MS—Early this morning, looking for a coffee shop to work in, I turned the van into the sun and my eyes scrunched up and my face contracted and I felt every skin cell tighten in resistance to the bright light.

This contraction happened all on its own, without any conscious thought at all. It was a reaction.

My hand lowered the sun visor and the shade was a relief, but it took far more effort, more conscious focus, to relax the muscles of my face, to release the contraction. It was as if the very flesh of my face were fearful that the harsh light would soon return.

This involuntary contraction, resistance, and cellular fear feel almost exactly like what the separate self feels like to me.

This is what I mean by contraction. The separate self feels like a contraction in resistance to the Light.

Open, allow, and expand. Feel the contraction of self and release it.

The less there is of you, the more there is of Her.

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12 thoughts on “Squinting Into The Light

  1. This is appreciated, valued, your personal, everyday ticks and quirks are enlightenment fodder I feel able to chew on 🙂

  2. eckhart tolle writes about his awakening happening in the middle of the night, then dropping off to sleep, then waking up the morning to sunlight and seeing it as something much, much more than he’d previously realised.

  3. It’s a relief I feel, reading about this squinty eyed moment that most others would discount. A relief because it unites my observations with your experience. In fact, I’ve been mulling it over alot….. That squinting, face squishing thing.

    As I watched a fellow make grimaces because of physical pain he was feeling, I encouraged him to make more faces and more moans and body writhings while I continued the bodywork.

    Slowly, he relaxed. No more squished face. Those he lives with report his face squishing has all but disappeared.

    I’ve been seeing his contorted face in my minds eye…. so much. Dunno why.

    You and I were focusing on squished faces at the same time.

    But I needed your insight about the separate experience from self. I’ll be integrating that thought Wayne. Thanks.

    • After all this time, odd to see this post of yours cycle back.
      Update on my face making client: he died.
      He actually came out of pain enough to figure out what he wanted to do with the rest of his life… which was apparently to continue on without connective tissue. Funny, isn’t it,; perhaps one purpose of pain is to keep us here, distracted.

      When he let go of pain, he let go of his body too.
      Hmmm… Connect to self in order to separate from self…. Dunno. Death is weird.

      • Carol,

        Odd indeed, perhaps especially that it would be my comment that brought it back up for you.
        Just over a year ago my wife died, and I can’t shake the sinking feeling in my heart that she had secretly decided to leave. She couldn’t even consider that there was more to her than the separate self, and her happiness was predicated on that separate self having its way, which, I think we all know, enlightened or not, life just won’t accommodate. Rather than yield, she decided to quit. In half the time that the cancer doctors predicted, she was gone.

        I thought I had a point in saying all this. I don’t know. Maybe it’s that I wonder if we don’t all, on some level, know when we’re done here, and leave because we’re ready.

        You are right, though. Death is weird.

        • Albert
          Sinking feeling?….I know it well…. Keep pulling myself up out of it. Would have liked to save my mom from taking that one way trek your wife took too early.
          The only thing that neutralizes the unsettled perplexity of it all is something a teacher of mine said,…. Ready for this? He said,”All deaths are suicides”. According to this man, a compassionate fellow who saw into both worlds, it is our choice to go. Some of us have to work really hard to get out of Dodge and suffer for weeks or years. Others opt out quickly. An actor might step into a car and halfway down the block have his car wrap around a tree in a fireball.
          Yet too there always seem to be little hints or tells that a death is pre- eminent. Wayne walks around gathering or causing messages to come to him all the time…. ALL THE TIME.
          For me too, I know there are voices in the waving prairie grass that assure of a living stream just beyond my grasp. Perhaps there. Perhaps then. The dark cape surrounding death can lift. And the light Wayne talks about will penetrate into that place your wife and my mom went. And we will see. Perhaps. Perhaps

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