The Personal Journal Experiment

CITY OF ROCKS SP, NM—I used to keep a personal diary for years, but stopped when I got serious about blogging.

With blogging being so formal though, I’ve decided to also start keeping a personal journal (I’m using Day One for the Mac). How often I’ll keep it up, well, if the past is any indicator, I’ll start out strong with daily entries, but I’m sure it will quickly fade to a much less frequent schedule. Who knows?

As an experiment (inspired by this stupid idea), I’m going to (once a week or so) post it on this blog for awhile. No guarantees on how long I’ll continue with this experiment—not so much because I care what it reveals about me (as I found out with Fading Toward Enlightenment, it’s a great ego-shattering practice sharing your deepest thoughts with the world), but I might take it down if I get too much criticism or unsolicited (unwanted) advice. Just sayin’.

I’ll try to do minimum edits, but some will be necessary, either to protect the privacy of others or to explain some of my more oddball terms and concepts.

Don’t expect gripping, edge-of-your-seat stuff either. I live an extremely simple and solitary life—practically Thoreau-esque—which fits with my contemplative personality and love of nature.

Also please don’t expect me to answer questions or reply to comments on these journal entries. I’m not trying to be a hard-ass, I just think it will take away from the spontaneity of journaling (“Man, if I have to explain this, I’m just not going to write about it”). They’re mainly for me and future-me—for later books, to reveal patterns, document changes (“Oh, I used to think of Radiance that way.”), etc.. While I know I’ll find them to be a useful practice and tool—and provide readers with a peek inside the mind of someone with a duplex personality—I just don’t want to feel obligated to explain or justify my thoughts or actions. Again, just sayin’.

One last note, before (to mix metaphors) casting the first stone, please be sure to look deeply into the mirror first (ie: if your diary or intimate thoughts were posted online…).

OK, enough of the disclaimers, pussy-footing, and excuses—below are the first set of entries…

Date: December 30, 2012 9:06 AM 

Considering sharing my daily journal online.

This would be consistent with my post on transparency and my recommendation that spiritual seekers keep a journal—though I am re-considering that seekers (as opposed to spiritual authorities) keep a journal online as the inevitable criticism from their readers could be counter-productive.

Maybe do a weekly blog post of the previous seven days of journaling.

Date: December 30, 2012 10:40 AM 

Not going to Rubber Tramp Rendezvous

Decided today not to attend the Rubber Tramp Rendezvous out in Quartzsite, AZ.

As usual, personal direction-type decisions are very tricky anymore. SHE says, “Stay put and work,” so I guess I’ll stay in NM until the annual park pass expires at the end of March.

In a routine review of my Miracle Log I came across this 7/23/12 entry:

Facing a crossroad in my direction of Life, it came to me in a moment of clarity: In deciding your actions, pick the option that gives you the most inner peace, bonus points if it helps others. Just then a hummingbird flew in front of me, hovered a moment, then flew off.

Staying put in NM feels right for now. Still, I want to get a van. Maybe after I move to the next park (will act as three weeks of free trailer storage), I’ll make a run out to Phoenix, stay in a hotel and swap out the truck. We’ll see.

#MiracleLog #She

Date: December 30, 2012 3:30 PM 

Exploring the Mountain.

After lunch, I took the truck to explore the mountain ridge behind the park (Rock Hound, Deming, NM) to see if I could find some good boondocking spots, but the road became too rough and steep.

Now if I had that stealth van, I would have just pulled to the side of the road and made camp for a few days.

This is one of the big pluses to an all-in-one camper, when you’re out exploring and find a good spot, you’re done—you’re good to go and can stay as long as you want. With a trailer, you’ve got to go back, hook up, and return (if it will handle the road). Usually it isn’t worth it at that point.

Date: December 30, 2012 6:24 PM 

The Case of C.M.C.

Reading the chapter “Case of C. M. C. in Her Own Words” from Cosmic Consciousness and how amazingly similar her illumination and experiences in nature were to my own.

  • How she let go of herself – how I had given up the quest.
  • How she saw the One Life within everything “I became aware that the flowers were alive and conscious” – reminded me of my walks on the forest roads of Mt Hood, feeling no separation whatsoever between my body and the woods—how the life in me was the same life in them—and how the sound of my footsteps seemed to somehow seep both through me and the forest almost like a liquid.
  • How she felt “electric sparks shoot from my eyes” – and how Radiance feels to me (as Light shining through me, from back to front).
  • The feeling of softness surrounding her, “It was as if surrounding and touching me closely on all sides were the softest, downiest pillows.” – and how I felt a new sensation of softness (though I had never clarified it before) between my physical body and the surrounding space (as opposed to the way it feels when I’m feeling Mortal Level separate). I suppose this is because the distinction between me and other is dramatically “softer” since illumination.

The feeling of her experiences (which happened in the late 1800’s) and the similarity to mine almost makes it feel as if she was a past life (I know that’s a stretch). A quick Google search showed nothing about her identity.

Date: December 31, 2012 9:16 AM 

The Trying Issue

It being New Year’s Eve—and a great day to evaluate what areas in my life I’d like to improve—I did a free form mind map and came up with some minor stuff and one biggie:

The Really Minor stuff (not worth much effort)

  • The Trailer Anchor
  • Uncertain Financial Future
  • Lack of Intimate Relationships
  • REACTIVE Selfishness (Habitual snacking, Conditioned self consciousness, Conditioned thoughts on my well-being)

The Biggie (under Reactive Selfishness)

  • Unconscious TRYING: Not surrendering to WHAT IS b/c of conditioned self-interests.

The Mortal and Soul levels have a built-in self-preservation function, but the Radiant level is all about selflessness—Acceptance and the Greater Good. (Emptiness could care less either way so it’s irrelevant.)

Mostly I’m pretty good with surrender, especially to major events, but it is those typical, little, day-to-day things that trip me up and make me feel inauthentic: slow lines, food temptations, an accident or illness affecting my plans, an unexpected errand, equipment malfunctions, …. All Mortal Level reactions. Shouldn’t be important, but as I said, they bother me.

Glad I did the mind map. Awareness of the issue, then focus, then ongoing practice breeds results.

Date: December 31, 2012 9:58 AM 

Free time for self evaluation.

A couple days ago, I uploaded a major enhancement to SO (dev), but Jim couldn’t evaluate it because of mysterious gateway issues (network issue, not my doing (I’m 99.9% certain)). He could get on all other websites, but not ours (I had no problems).

Where I expected to be very busy fixing bugs and tweaking the new programs these last few days, Jim’s unexpected (and totally mysterious) connectivity issues gave me a bunch of free time to do some end of year introspection.


Date: December 31, 2012 6:37 PM 

Downloaded the “Way of Life” app.

It’s used to help create new habits. I’m not one to make New Year’s resolutions usually, but with the unexpected free time, I took that as Her way of saying, “Live True. Practice, practice, practice.”

Here are the daily habits I want to form and which I put into the app:

  • Exercise M W F
  • Yoga T X S
  • Floss
  • Walk/Hike
  • Journal
  • No Snacks after 8pm
  • Follow Meal Set


Date: December 31, 2012 7:16 PM 

Letting Her Live Through Me

On the subject of New Year’s resolutions, my main one (the one I’m very aware of and didn’t need the mind map for), one in which the “Way of Life” app is useless, is to to let Her live through me.

I know that sounds bizarre and I’m only explaining this because I plan on publishing these entries on my blog, but what I mean is that Her words, thoughts, and will often want to come through me (yet I often instinctually resist them by not voicing or acting upon them).

Practically every person listed in Cosmic Consciousness made a remark similar to this, “The words just wrote themselves,” or “These ideas seemed to come from a Divine Intelligence, much vaster than my own.”

For example, when you think a thought, you probably don’t think about where it came from, “It is my thought.” But for anyone with the duplex personality (access to cosmic consciousness), sometimes those thoughts and desires have a distinctly “other” feel to them—an all knowing feel to them. I know it sounds crazy (literally), but there you go.

But because I don’t have access to all the reasons why She says or wants me to do something (and as far as I know, no one has ever been privy to all the details of Her reasons or desires), it is very hard to act on them—to have that kind of faith to spontaneously act on A when your mind says, “B.”

From the Emptiness level, She, Me, We,… it’s all the same thing (the mystic lives in paradox). But when this tiny brain stuck in this hard-headed skull gets directions from a vast and omnipotent intelligence, well, I’ll tell you, it’s not at all easy.

But I’m trying Ringo, I’m trying real hard to be the Shepherd. – Pulp Fiction


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