Knocking On The Gate

The Clouds Of Mt Hood

The Clouds Of Mt Hood

JOHN DAY DAM, WA—For those of you knocking at the Gateless Gate, a continuation of the dialog between Michelle and I. I don’t post this to embarrass Michelle—everyone knows I’m all about transparency—but to help those of you on the Edge. Now if you haven’t stabilized the Soul and Radiance levels, then this is just mental masturbation, so don’t go fooling yourself or come crying to me. 🙂

Michelle. Jun 20, 2014

Your remarks that I’m standing on the edge scared me. My self started having a huge, dramatic bout of anxiety. It felt different than typical anxiety, kind of like fearing for my existence, a big resistance/holding on. A little frightening. Also the anxiety of putting pressure on myself to do this right. I have been relaxing since then to assuage that pressure and feel okay now… I can’t know how to “do it right,” and if I get attached to that idea, I’ll be counterproductive. All I can do is see and feel what truth is.

I read your blog post, and a comment that helps was from that guy who said that he witnesses that all of his actions can be experienced as things that are done separately from him. This is particularly something I need to watch. Who is taking action, and is it someone different than the one experiencing action?

Wayne. Jun 20, 2014

“Who is taking action?” — it’s just action, odd as that sounds. Don’t let your mind get in the way.

Re the fear: Always remember, unlike most people who face the Void, you have experience with Radiance. You can and will always have that to fall back on, indeed, you’ll need it to function in the world. I operate all the time from Radiance, it is just on this side, I feel more like the Light than the portal/shell.

Just rest assured, it’s a beautiful experience just being the seeing without a see-er. That is the experience of Emptiness when the personal self is seen through. Like your giant eye, but with without the eyeball. 🙂 Just seeing. It’s beautiful.

Wayne. Jun 20, 2014

PS: Don’t try to visualize the Gate. It doesn’t work that way. Just drop anything that isn’t you… anything that you can see or experience until you realize that the Michelle-thing has all been dropped away (your boundaries disappear, (the finger snap in the video), and you are suddenly boundless).

It’s only then that you “see” the Gate, you’ll realized that the Michelle-thing, while it felt so hard and real all your life (the Gate) simply doesn’t exist (Gateless).

Michelle. Jun 20, 2014

I had another intense 20 minutes or so outside, just being with nature… where I saw so much more of myself. Just like the eye of Sauran in Lord of the Rings, which nothing can hide from eventually. (except it’s not an evil Mordor eye, of course…) That’s the metaphor that kept coming to mind. Seeing myself. Seeing my thoughts. It all seems more hollow, and the eye (I can understand only now why it’s described as the “light of awareness”) shines brighter.

Michelle. Jun 20, 2014

The mortal part of me is definitely a little scared of the unfamiliar territory and its lack of the same level of importance. I’m going to try to listen to you and default to radiance.

Michelle. Jun 20, 2014

And again before bed tonight, meditated in this for a few minutes and am starting to see a little more clearly how I am the one who experiences all of these actions and thoughts and memories. Kind of like a backdrop of light upon which are shadows.

This process feels very strange and confusing.

Wayne. Jun 21, 2014

You’re doing great.

Go into Radiance and not only pull away and drop the Portal/Shell, but pull away and drop every thought that comes up.

Thoughts aren’t the enemy, they are just noise in your head, so gently grab them and drop them away to the side (just like you do the Portal/Shell).

While doing this—while in those momentary spaces between thoughts— look for “Michelle” and notice that she doesn’t exist there in the vast Light of Awareness.

Notice, that “Michelle” is composed of nothing more than thoughts.

Michelle. Jun 21, 2014

It’s more empty the more I look at it. The spark I thought the self contained seems to be coming from the light of awareness. Pulling thoughts also helps me to see that they are more empty as well.

There is definitely an element of resisting surrender in this process.

Wayne. Jun 21, 2014

Look at your memories, at the story of all that made up “Michelle.” Can you see them?

Then they aren’t you.

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