Mystic Michelle

Behind The Flower's Face

Behind The Flower’s Face

MT HOOD, OR—I define a Mystic as someone who experiences the duplex personality. Capital ‘M’ because half that personality is the awakenend Divine within. God is not you, but She’s not not you either. I’m begining to realize that maybe my “purpose” is not so much to help others find enlightenment (the dropping of the ego), but to help them awaken the Divine within. No one can push you through the gateless gate (make you drop the ego), but they can help you weaken the ego enough that God Herself awakens in you.

The less there is of you, the more there is of Her

(I’ve only made a few spelling edits, nothing else. This has been our conversation from where we last left off, up until a few moments ago.)

Michelle Jun 22, 2014

Today I simply had too much activity. This is not great timing for a perspective shift, and I don’t know why spirit had to work things in such a way…because I’m in two interview processes for new positions, a load of “homework” for one of those…and it’s not letting up anytime soon, family vacation is next weekend and, of course, I have work all week. Yesterday when I was sitting alone working on this writing assignment I have to do for an interview process, I took breaks to “blow my mind” a bit. It’s so hard to stay with that perspective with people around all the time! So much self taking up all the space. Annoying.

Wayne Jun 23, 2014

Spirit didn’t make you busy.

Ego, fearing its death, did.

When She wanted to say “No” to all those things, Ego/Michelle said, “Yes.”

She, TaoGodHer, works through everything except the ego. That, I believe, is what the Genesis story of the Fruit from the Tree of Knowledge and Man has Free Will was all about. Ego + Free Will is “off-limits” to TaoGodHer.

Now re-read those first three lines I just wrote above.

Michelle Jun 23, 2014

I see what you are saying. Because the family vacation has been planned for months, and because I had completed the application processes previously and am just following through at this point, the busy-ness now feels unavoidable to some extent. However… I do admit that it is very averse to not being busy and keeps that way generally out of fear. It feels as though there is something that must be done at all hours, and it is very afraid of becoming socially isolated from other people. That’s a deep fear.

I am flipping around somewhat in the last day or so. Sometimes I feel like I feel like my ego is “me,” and sometimes I feel like the light of awareness is. Most of today I felt like Michelle because I was so busy at work. When I came home and stay outside for a few minutes, awareness had it again.

Wayne Jun 23, 2014

Hmm. I apologize if that was too harsh. But, it does seem to me She’s trying to tell you something, that for you to go much deeper, you’re going to have to schedule some down time. No hurry, She’s not going anywhere.

Don’t worry about becoming socially isolated either. It may happen while you’re going through the “quickening” but you’ll want it then, and when you come out on the other side, the choice will be entirely yours.

Michelle Jun 23, 2014

It wasn’t too harsh…I think you’re right, I do need to schedule more down time. Thankfully the worst is over (as of just minutes ago),  and apart from the trip I should be able to do more of that now. You know, I had been trying to get a real start on a community project I’d been working on, on and off, for the last year…but various things keep getting in the way lately. A few days ago I flipped a coin to see whether I should even do it or not…Yes. then I asked, should I do it now?…No. I think it’s time to hold off and get myself together first…whoever the hell I turn out to be.

Michelle Jun 24, 2014

Had a nice experience this morning at work… Just of seeing myself as secondary, as not really in control, and walking and moving and talking from spirit… Controlled by spirit… Of course my ego self is scared to not be in control… But when I think about it, how could it be? If my ego actually controlled my world, all would go according to its plan. And that’s just not what happens. It spends a lot of its time on damage control from its own resistance, really.

Michelle Jun 24, 2014

An aha moment… So I just saw that really I am god. Like everything around me and the heart that guides me is God. The light of awareness is God. And I swear, it almost happened. I started to think and feel: What would it be like if I knew I were god? And I kind of just felt stunned, kind of like my mind and being went blank, felt something shift in my perceptual being (difficult to describe), felt like I wasn’t quite Michelle anymore, and sat down and started almost crying. The veil is still here but it feels thinner… what a strange sensation.

Michelle Jun 24, 2014

Now I’ve come down a bit and can describe a bit more how I feel.

I feel kind of stunned, spaced out, first of all. I also don’t feel like there is as much ego. Like I am seeing the world more directly. It feels like I am partially watching myself from a distance. I have the power to either focus on the ego or the God part. If I focus on God I can ask myself, how would I be acting and feeling if I were god? Overwhelming love for anything I look at if I focus on it. I can let it pour out more easily because at least part of me understands that there’s no reason to hide from this love or to let my heart open, open… And I have to focus on it for this to work.

Wayne Jun 24, 2014

Beautiful. I know exactly how it feels, that wonderful… expansion and Light.

See any self-contraction (portal, Michelle-thing, self-centered thoughts…) and pull them away and drop them. Open and open and open.

I’d call in sick tomorrow if I were in your shoes.

Michelle Jun 24, 2014

Okay. Maybe I will do that.

Wayne Jun 24, 2014

Good. And don’t feel obligated to write updates here if you’re in the zone. I know what you’re going through. Post if you want to document it, but again, don’t do anything out of a feeling of obligation.

Mine was very tenuous… delicate and I was afraid to lose it if I thought too much. Every time I’d have a thought to blog or tell someone, I’d pull it away and drop it. I tried to do that as much as possible, pulling away and dropping thoughts and resting in the Light and the feeling of Love.

Michelle Jun 24, 2014

Yeah I’m scared I have already done some damage that has swung me back a bit in the way of thought/ego… Roommates, though I tried to somewhat avoid them, and some particular friend who is contacting me incessantly. I’ll have to tell them to let me be tomorrow.

Michelle Jun 24, 2014

Yeah honestly Wayne I feel like I kind of lost it… I’m so mad at myself now for letting myself respond to my friend. It made such a big difference. Maybe I might as well go into work tomorrow after all.

Wayne Jun 24, 2014

Have faith. Do the practice. Once the door has been cracked, there’s no closing it. Something has shifted inside you. It may be hard to see right this moment, but you are never going to be the same person you were yesterday.

She’ll take care of you. Do the practice: Radiance, then pull away the portal, pull away the Michelle contraction, pull away your thoughts. Do it before you go to sleep and just keep pulling away everything you can see and experience and realize those things aren’t you. Fall asleep doing this.

See what happens. Surrender to Her. You know She’s real now. She’s got your back.

Michelle Jun 25, 2014

Well I fell asleep before reading that but I feel now that I will be able to slip back into it. I’ll call in today.

Michelle Jun 25, 2014

so far today… Stayed in bed and sat with it all for a while. Two things going on here, two entities in myself just like you always say. Decided to go to a nature trail since most of my significant realizations happened amongst the trees. Easier to consciously be guided by the heart, by her, when out and doing things like this… Driving was interesting. Propensity to laugh uncontrollably at little things. 😛

Wayne Jun 25, 2014

I forgot about the laughing thing. Good times!

I used a version of this meditation to help during this delicate time: http://waynewirs.com/2009/waking-yourself-up-part-iv-the-practice/

Don’t do it if you don’t want to, or only do some variation of it. You/She knows what’s best at this point.

Michelle Jun 25, 2014

I did that and it really helped establish me in that witness consciousness. I’ll do it again after lunch.

I stopped to get lunch now… Can’t fast with this blood sugar though I’m sure it would be better to. I don’t feel too delicate to talk things out at the moment and am getting a little frustrated, though I’ve also see a lot of progress with my perceptions.

1. I’m seeing the way the boundaries get in the way of the light. And how my thoughts contribute to the strengthening of those boundaries. The meditation (Hortons and light especially) helped with that.

2. My ego is getting super frustrated with how long I’m sitting around doing “nothing” and is trying its best to get me to just go home and do something more stimulating for it. I’m going through phases where my light-of-awareness dominates, at one point I could hardly even find my self though there was just enough of it in there to turn up again… And endless chattering of the self, which I’m having to just recognize as Hortons and barriers to the oneness.

3. The light of is like a rock, pretty neat.

4. I’m not sure what to do. I try to let her guide which sometimes is working. But to some extent there is resistance… I know there’s all this energy locked up there ready to explode or something and I just haven’t been able to let it out yet.

Wayne Jun 25, 2014

#2 & #4: Remember the lesson of the Frog Master. Why can he sit still for so long while it is driving you nuts?

Wayne Jun 25, 2014

Don’t try to figure out what you ARE, just look into what is causing your mental suffering/discomfort. What is keeping you from God Herself?

Michelle Jun 25, 2014

Okay. Frog master thing helped. Being in the woods all day helped. Now unfortunately I am back to my life and it will be busy for a bit… My parents have Italian visitors I’ll have to help entertain tonight and over the next few weeks. But anyhow, the afternoon was pretty wild. Man, I went from being so moved by the beauty of oneness and unity in all I saw… To moved to tears by just seeing a mother and daughter and how beautiful they were… To being almost nothing but eyes again. I got this distinct sense that I am God’s eyes, ears, etc. That’s my function, be a vessel. Overall, I went deep though despite finally being able to surrender to a lot and to see and pull away at my self over and over, it didn’t happen today. I think I need more time to sit in these ideas: who is in the drivers seat… Michelle or her? (I felt both very often today) And where are the boundaries separating me from unifying with everything around me? And pulling away at thoughts/boundaries, seeing them as the inconsequential entities that they are.

Wayne Jun 25, 2014

When around others, let Her/the Light shine (get out of Her way). When you recognize the Michelle-contraction, pull IT away and drop it and let the Light shine. You’re doing great. All of Life is practice.

Wayne Jun 25, 2014

PS: Don’t cling to the idea of enlightenment. Isn’t this wonderful just as it is? The love, the blending, enfolding, and enlivening of God thru you? At this point, I’m largely in agreement with Adya: Now it is up to Grace (out of your hands).

Michelle Jun 25, 2014

Actually that’s a relief for you to say. 🙂 I have heard that in its final stages it’s simply divinely given and was wondering. So that takes that pressure off.

Michelle Yesterday 4:32 PM

Work today has been a bit “trippy” too, highlight being on surrender of my heart. Surrender of my heart literally means letting her have the reigns, do everything. Am able to when focusing but not when doing other things. It literally starts to hurt me now if I am not surrendering to let my heart shine all that light.

Wayne Yesterday 6:02 PM

It’s excellent that it hurts you when you aren’t surrendering. Pain is a great motivator. It also means that you have become confident in surrendering which was quite a hurdle not so long ago.

On losing the awareness of the Light “when doing other things.” This is typical and expected. When I write code, I AM the code. I’m every IF-THEN-ELSE statement. When you write a letter, aren’t YOU the letter? Same thing on more mundane stuff, though you may flip back and forth because of the amount of focus. No biggie and as I say, to be expected. Put aside the myth of abiding awareness. As I said before – http://waynewirs.com/2014/the-lie-of-abiding-nondual-awareness/ – I can’t see it being even possible.

Michelle 7:08 AM

Went to sleep last night surrendering and surrendering. Woke up during the night and surrendered more across my body. Woke up this morning very delicate, soft, less, and I think more naturally surrendered. Meditated on surrender for a while then did a version of the bubble meditation (with a different technique than the bubble tube but similar… My bottom chakra was NOT cooperating) that brought me to see unity again.

Michelle 8:17 AM

I think she is reclaiming control over my body, or my subtle body or something, piece by piece.

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2 thoughts on “Mystic Michelle

  1. This reminds me of something my teacher told me during our last Skype session.
    ” God is you but you are not God.”
    Hope this helps.

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