July 10, 2015 2:36 PM
The last couple of days I’ve been camped in a sweet, clean and beautiful mountain clearing, but with no Signal, a bin full of dirty laundry, the desire for a coffee shop and the sounds of Mankind, I broke camp and headed into Durango.
With no internet, I spent some more time with the Adyashanti doc, taking some notes. I’ve included a modified copy of the doc wherein I highlighted sections I found interesting for one reason or another. Here are my notes if you’re curious. Kind of rough, but that’s the way I roll sometimes:
Initial awakening at 25 (but this is more experience based, not a complete drop of identity). Then the Trials (page 16), adapting. Then “final awakening” at 30—five years later (page 23).
Zen’s spiritual drunkenness. The no-fear attitude taken too far (unbalanced), yet acting as a sort of cleansing (getting it out of the system). My miserable “stealth camper Darth Vader truck.” Trying too hard to make freedom happen and all the magical (painful) consequences as a result… a painful cleansing.
How seriously devoted he was to the search. Everything else “was always a conflict.”
Feelings of “aloneness” but being rewarded with “enveloped in this overwhelming love and beauty and I could just do anything, it just didn’t matter.” Not loneliness, but alone with the Divine (my words).
Running up against unresolved issues and allowing the insight to come in:
I would always come up against the brick wall, what I didn’t know. Where the exact point was that I went from what I knew to what I didn’t know and I would get real crystal clear clarity and then I would just hold my attention right there. Just hold it, like an arrow.
…This barrier would just start to melt and all these insights would come and it just kept coming…
He learns to “trust in the unknown.” He later calls this “unknown” intelligence, “the Mystery” which sounds a hell of a lot like Her to me.
…don’t let fear and anxiety ? don’t let it stop you.
Fear is a part of the process. Expect it.
On trust (surrender):
you are not even trusting in feelings, emotions or thoughts. You are just trusting in The Mystery and when you trust in the Mystery, something beautiful is allowed to happen and it doesn’t really open up until you trust in The Mystery
“Final awakening.” An important part (as he states) was his new marriage to Annie (Mukti).
…(the relationship with Annie) allowed my being to sort of relax, because at least there was now something to relax into.
His whole seeking life had been practice (required trying) and uncertainty and now he was able to relax (had some stability in his sense of being). This new lifestyle of being rather than trying (a form of letting go), led to the dropping of his identity as a mortal (seeker/person/…).
Yet the yearning (even though he had everything he wanted) helped “turn consciousness inside out” and made him question who is doing the yearning, what is it that yearns?
Suddenly I heard a bird chirping away outside. The sound entered me in a way it had never before and a voice within spontaneously asked “Who hears the sound” ?
But this was a different awakening. This was awakening where you become the root. Where you realize you are the root, which was before all the experiences and all the experiences are an outgrowth of that.
Note: Still a sense of identity. Identifying as the “root” (Self, the Mystery, TaoGodHer). The Mystic’s Dilemma hadn’t been resolved yet (One AND Two). Nor has he recognized his future “No-Self” stage at this point in his life.
…even though awakening is awakening is awakening, that awakening is not just awakening, is not awakening, is not awakening and there are different sort of depths to that awakening…
A good summary of the differences between his two awakenings. The first was focused on the experiences, the second on the source of the experiences:
…the same thing had happened before but the focus went on more on to the sense of being free, the experience of it, the fearlessness and all these by products of it and that’s where the awareness went just because it was so beautiful and so wonderful and it always missed where it came from…
On the permanence of the Source (emphasis mine):
I knew at that time that this couldn’t be lost because its not something that came into being. Its not an experience and it really became the foundation of what I teach.
More on the Insights:
I’ll guarantee you tremendous insights have come from that moment on and they continue to come. So there is no end point where the insights don’t come any more…
That’s kind of a relief. Double edged sword.
The impersonal nature of this understanding and with it the arise of integrity:
…this that had happened, had nothing to do with me and I didn’t possess it and I didn’t own it and it was the birth of what I really call a real absolute (and I don’t mean to say I’m perfect because I’m not) but a real birth of a real absolute integrity and something that became the most important thing to me as a teacher was integrity.
I realized I wasn’t doing this just for myself.
Note: I started out “just for myself.” I wanted to be as wise as Lao Tzu and as knowledgeable as Ken Wilber. I wanted to be a teacher like Eckart Tolle. Later (after the Trials of 2010), the heart opened more and it felt like Her/My/Our insights needed to be expressed. It wasn’t about meanymore. I often struggle with the temptation to just shut everything down and go off into the woods and never be heard from again… but so far, Her need to share is still too strong.
He touches on the why of doing this for others: “We are all the same.”
…that knowing-ness can become the spring board for a letting go of grasping on to your own freedom that takes you into a truly impersonal realm, to where you really start to live for the sake of the whole.
Not because you want to do it, or because you think you are a good person… But because it is the natural expression of the awakeness that everybody has inside them.
…you have unknowingly surrendered yourself to the movement of life. Or we could say the Self. I like Life, is a little simpler. You have given yourself to it and then its just going to take you in any way it wants to take you. You know, the body is going to do and it can do something extraordinary or very ordinary, it doesn’t much matter. But its going to do with you what it wants and you are willing to do it.
This statement has all the qualities (and resolution) of the Mystic’s Dilemma: TaoGodHer (“Self”) as TaoGodHer AND the Individual (“you”). At the time of this writing, he hasn’t developed this fully—”the body is going to do…”—implies he’s still seeing the body as “other” and as separate (not integrated fully). He alludes to this constant growth/learning in the very next sentence:
And its just the beginning. That is what I keep finding. That’s why there is no where to rest and become arrogant and proud and “look what I’ve done” because there is no where to rest because even that liberation is each way, its just the beginning. Its just the beginning of an ongoing, ever new revelation. Over and over and over.
Highlights of some of the similarities in my own contemplations and decisions.
Plus, the whole, Teacher/Guru on a pedestal assumption/socially reinforced idea:
THEE biggest barrier… it only happens to the few and the lucky and certainly not me.
My emphasis on living the teachings (emphasis mine):
I would answer it (their question) by trying to get them to experience the answer to whatever they were asking about…. if I withheld the intellectual answer and instead insisted that they endeavor, at least try to experience the answer…
And when I saw how well that (experiencing the teachings/answer) worked, coupled with my insistence (which was much stronger then than it is now) that anybody can do it. Anybody can do it. Lo and behold, it started to happen. People started to wake up quickly. And it amazed me. It amazed me.
Reflection of how alone I feel in this teaching of a fading approach (Mortal -> Soul -> Radiance -> Emptiness):
And so I found myself out in this place where its kind of silly at this point, but at that time, I felt not lonely but very alone. Very, very, very alone because teaching in this way and teaching the message I was teaching, I didn’t know anybody else, I had never heard it anywhere. I didn’t know of anybody else that was doing it, and so because of it, I felt really out on a real limb ?.way out on a limb.
Then, Her whispers…
But somehow, I had already found that place of trust.
Where it takes courage post-awakening. Not to teach or parrot what traditions or your teachers say, but to live in integrity and reveal as transparently and authentically as possible what youexperience.
Not lonely. Not isolated. Not separate. But alone. Because its all on your shoulders now and you are never going to turn anywhere else but to your own heart and this is a place that I found that many spiritual people don’t want to go. It’s very scary for them to go into that placed, to really take everything upon themselves, total responsibility and never look back.
If you haven’t brought it into yourself, if you haven’t integrated all the insights that awakening reveals, if you haven’t taken responsibility for your words:
That is where everybody is trying to do that sort of prematurely or a lot of people are trying to do that prematurely before they are really ready to do it.
… then it’s just a mental game.
I found that in order to help them, I would have to take on their condition as if it was my own. Which means a willingness to literally put yourself where they are. If its in total confusion, you go down anywhere to find out where they are.
This is where I find the one-on-one talks so much more useful than my original “Wisdom for Alms” (email) technique. I can’t really get into their minds unless there is some Q&A into their background.
The less there is of you (mind), the more there is of Her (the Mystery):
if I could keep someone’s mind distracted enough,… it was something that wholly had a wisdom and a movement all its own. Completely all its own and I found the more I trusted it, the more that mysterious intensification of the Mystery, that’s what did the real work. That was what did the real work.
Adyashanti’s duplex personality (emphasis mine):
And so there was this part that didn’t belong to me, that for some reason seemed to be really using this body or whatever it was using this and there was also a part that was an intellectual part that had to do with wisdom where I could consciously refocus the mind
It amazes me that the duplex personality isn’t more widely known—isn’t more talked about—as a “symptom” of enlightenment.
I knew he was upset when he left after this meeting and I might have seen him once after that, I’m not even sure, but literally within the snap of a finger, I went from being a saintly person in his eyes with a teaching that was wise and everybody in the world should hear, to Satan…. but it put doubt into their minds. Doubt.
Reminds me of the NonAbusers fiasco…
Which of course made me have to reflect very deeply, very, very deeply to look inside to see if it was.
… which led to A Mystic’s Journal.
because that’s kind of the way I am, I’m just intuitive and I move and the teaching is always evolving and there is nothing static about it. And some people love that because it has a certain aliveness I think for them and a real dynamic quality. It does for me anyway and some people find that very difficult because they want to plant their feet, stop, become fixed and any time there is change, a certain type of person is going to become very uncomfortable.
I get the fundamentalists who want a fixed, “this is the only way,” teaching and the faithful readers who understand that nothing in Life is fixed—certainly not my experiences/teachings/insights.
More on the trust in Her, on the duplex personality and not knowing what She has in mind (or even liking it), but learning to trust Her whispers nonetheless:
and this seems to be coming from that place that everything that’s truly trustworthy comes from, and nobody said that you’re going to like what it had to spit up all the time and nobody said that its going to conform to the way you would like it to be.
Adya goes into a lot more detail of the felt experience of the duplex personality… of God Herself living through you.
A: …the Witness. Its a Witness that at the same time completely and wholly detached and at the same time totally and intimately involved, but it is a sense of witnessing and it is a sense of where that witnessing chooses to put its emphasis.
Lynn Marie: Is there a way in which the mind can witness. Is there a mind version of that ?
Lynn: No. So the witnessing is always coming from the Self ?
Insight: “at the same time totally and intimately involved.” Below the Mortal perception, there is always Divine perception. Below the Mortal emotions, there is always Divine emotion ( at the same time totally and intimately involved). These “Divine emotions” are the archetypes of Humanity.
The Witness (as Adya uses the term above) is the Divine’s experience of our life.
Michelle saw this Divine emotion manifest (archetype) when I experienced the “Collective Consciousness” in front of her. It was impersonal pain and suffering—not my personal pain, but the pain of billions of women over thousands of years.
Some good examples off the differences between satsang-Adya and day-to-day-Adya. ie (emphasis mine):
What happens in satsang is a result of the situation, so the result of a situation calls for a certain direction, focusing of consciousness, it calls for that and it just spontaneously happens, if you really let it happen, but it doesn’t mean that I live with that intensity of satsang. No. Because you know, as you know me very well, outside of satsangs, you know, I spend a good portion of my time playing. (chuckles) Right ? Just playing. Just enjoying myself as we, you know, like a kid. (chuckles) as you well know.
…but of course its all coming from That which doesn’t change. Its all coming from that and that’s what its all about is have your feet rooted there and that Mystery…
Unapologetically living your life fearlessly and in harmony with Her. I wonder if this too is a common symptom of awakening? Seems to me it should be.
On not expecting to be like your teacher(s), but to allow Her to come through you in your/Her unique blend (emphasis mine):
the problem is, a lot of spiritual people look towards the teacher as that’s the way its going to look when I get enlightened. I’m going to be you know giving these wonderful talks. And if that is what The Self wants out of you, that’s what you’ll do, but that’s one thing out of an infinite number of things that you could be doing… so important is to discover your own uniqueness, what consciousness wants to do through you
I often (not always) blow off perfectly well intended advice (“Wayne, you’re missing this very-important-point that I’ve experienced…”) because of the above—because She comes through each of us in a unique way. They (the advice givers) aren’t wrong, it’s just that their advice isn’t always right for me (and of course vice-versa, my experiences and musings aren’t always right for them).
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