TaoGod(I) And “Painful” Emotions

View From Camp

View From Camp


November 5, 2015 7:50 AM

Dear Diary,

Over the last week or so, I uploaded a series of posts that showed a progression of squares growing from 1 asterisk, to 9, then to 25, then to (represent) Infinity, then back from 25, to 9, to 1 and finally to (representing) Nothing. Each asterisk was a link pointing toward my post about a practice to help readers access the feeling of TaoGod(I).

My reasons were multifaceted:

  1. I wanted to graphically demonstrate the feel of the undulating nature of this “God breathing” state: From Nothing, to a gradual expansion, to Everything and back. Cyclical, flowing, oceanic.
  2. I wanted to give my readers time to experiment with the TaoGod(I) practice—ergo the asterisks pointing to that page. Though the practice page was hit far more times than any other page during the week, no one (other than Michelle who responded privately), provided any feedback.
  3. I wanted to give myself time to see if the way I experienced the disappointment was stable, and if any other “painful” emotions which might arise during the week were also experienced in this new manner (they were).

So, dearest Diary, I’m thrilled with how much has changed within me since the Great NonAbusers Disappointment.

My experience with painful or negative emotions has progressed in what I can now see as a very clear pattern:

  • As the Witness, I experienced negative emotions much as most Witness-level people do: Detached. “Those are just the emotions of this body I’m stuck with.”
  • As I AM, I took ownership of the emotions, but didn’t take them personally: “These are just emotions that are arising within this me-thing.”
  • As the Mystic, negative emotions showed me how seriously I was still taking the Self archetypes (self-concerns, self-interests, …) which led directly to the Ascetic phase of my development (to which I’m eternally grateful).
  • As TaoGod(I), painful or negative emotions feel oddly sensual (as do practically all emotions), then gently “hover” off to the side until they dissipate.

Going back to the ocean metaphors, where my “I-experience” as TaoGod(I) feels like an undulating movement within the much larger Ocean (the jellyfish undulation without the jellyfish), negative or painful emotions feel almost like a swiftly moving fish has shot through my Undulation and left a tiny swirly disturbance just (I know this sounds weird) to the right of my head—about a foot to the right of my head to be exact.

Where positive emotions feel like a gentle swirling movement in my heart region, painful emotions have the same, almost-sensuous swirling, but are locate outside my body. They hit in the heart region, then within seconds drift off to the side. From that point, they just kind of follow me around—always just off to my side—but other than being aware of them, they don’t consciously affect me in any other way.

Unconsciously though, they manifest themselves in slightly dark, but always gentle dreams which occur over the next few nights. The dreams continue—gentle though, nothing painful—until the swirling has disappeared.

I know, Diary, weird and totally unexpected—but it’s also wonderful.

To Readers: This isn’t a criticism aimed at you. Unlike my NonAbusers reaction, I have absolutely no hurt feelings about the lack of response. Truly, my reaction was completely unexpected and weird and wonderful (and I’ve experienced this same reaction in a couple other painful situations over the last week). I just wanted to document these new developments for future reference.

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8 thoughts on “TaoGod(I) And “Painful” Emotions

  1. Wayne, I post; you never answer. I don’t think you get the posts.

    When the asterisk experiment started, I followed them and told you I wasn’t getting the post. Every day for several days I tried and it was damned frustrating. And it was always exactly the same picture and the same words. I decided to just delete your mail if nothing happened today.

    If I don’t get a response to this, I may just forget about reading your posts.

    In short your experiment was so repetitive and confusing I doubt anyone understood what on earth was happening. I figured eventually you were going to figure out that we were not getting anything.

    ps…I only have a master’s degree plus hours of additional schooling.

  2. Hi, Wayne.

    I was watching that series of posts with interest, not sure where you were going with it. It reminded me of this:

    “’How many gods are there, Yajnavalkya?’ He answered by reciting this invocatory formula:

    ‘As many as are mentioned in the invocatory formula in the hymn to All-gods- 3306 gods’.

    ‘Yes (Om)’, said he, ‘but how many gods are there really, Yajnavalkya?’

    ‘Yes’, he said. ‘but how many gods are there really, Yajnavalkya?’

    ‘Yes’, he said, ‘but how many gods are there really, Yajnavalkya?’

    ‘Yes’, he said, ‘but haw may gods are there really, Yajnavalkya?’
    ‘One and a half’

    ‘Yes’, he said, ‘but how many gods are there really, Yajnavalkya?’


    ~ Brhadaranyaka Upanishad

  3. Wayne, although I emailed you about not seeing any posts, and you answered by saying “every thing is in Divine order”, I was apparently not smart enough to figure out the need to click on the asterisks to read the posts. Although I did notice the rows of asterisks changing, I was like a cat who is asked to go fetch: clueless.

    Now that I have been given the key, I will go back through each one and attempt to “divine” the process 🙂

    With Love,

  4. I understood the meaning of the asterisks. Expanding and retreating. I used them to count my breaths for those days, going from one (breath of fire) to several (heart breath). Thank you.


  5. Here’s your other “Jo” checking in after days of absence. Like others, apparently, I didn’t recognize the asterisks as links. I like hearing about those undulating movements and imagining them as my own. Also, as ever, I appreciate your candor in sharing. Thanks.

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