October 16, 2015 1:35 PM
If I were King of the World, I would enact three simple laws—all revolving around my firm belief that women are not equal to men and therefore should not have the same rights as men.
This opinion may come as a shock to longtime readers.
Ah, ye of little faith.
My opinion on unequal rights for women really boils down to testosterone levels. Because women have far less testosterone than men, women are biologically more civilized than men and therefore their rights should not be equal to the rest of us lowly brutes.
So based on this simple realization—that women are more civilized than men—here are the three laws I’d enact if I were King of the World…
Law 1: Only women are allowed to own, possess or use guns.
Breaking this law would entail a severe penalty:
- Any man caught either possessing a gun, or using a gun in self-defense, would receive a mandatory 5 years in prison with no chance for parole.
The self-defense clause is simply designed to close that pesky “I was just defending myself” loophole which would defeat the whole purpose of this wonderful women-only-get-the-guns law. If you’re a guy and want to defend yourself, man up and do what men have done since the dawn of time, pick up a baseball bat (your wife can still shoot the bad guys).
Law 2: Any adult woman is allowed to legally kill up to two adult males over the course of her lifetime.
I struggled with this law—the burdens of imaginary kinghood weighed heavily on my Soul—but in the end, I made the decision based on the greater good to Humankind (though not necessarily Man-kind). Personally, I don’t think a lot of women would take advantage of this law even once, but imagine if you were a man and not only are women allowed to legally carry firearms, but they are allowed to legally use them on you. Say goodbye to domestic violence. Say goodbye to bullying. Say goodbye to child abusers. Say goodbye to all male-on-anyone violence.
Now think about Laws 1 and 2 and apply them to Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, or ISIS (remember, I’m King of the World). Not only could a woman legally kill her abusive husband, but she’d still have a “Good for One Adult Male” chit left over to wave in front of her rebellious teen boys, “Keep it up, son, I’ve got this just waiting for your eighteenth birthday.”
Say goodbye to the problems in the Middle East.
Law 3: Only women are allowed to hold political office.
This one’s pretty much self explanatory. In one stroke it would end most wars and dramatically reduce the potential for future wars.
Say goodbye to 90% of the world’s problems.
Of course this last law would immediately end my reign as King of the World, but—unlike most politicians—I could happily live with that.
Please consider my candidacy for King of the World during your next political election, social revolution, or government overthrow.
In humble gratitude,
Independent Global Party Candidate for King of the World
[EDIT: See tomorrow’s post for an explanation as to why I wrote the above—and to what it really means.]
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