March 26, 2016 7:05 AM
Last night, a smaller, gentler Dark Night of the Soul—my second in about seven years. Gentler, but more profound than the first.
I don’t want to get caught up in documenting and explaining it yet. I’ve recorded the experience in my phone. I’ll transcribe it later. I want to digest it first.
March 26, 2016 10:01 AM
TRANSCRIPT FROM VOICE RECORDER:
5:04 AM: After reading Michael’s comments on getting in touch with the feeling behind the question, I guess what comes up is that I’m disappointed—no, wait… I’m sad—that I’m not going to be able to survive doing this [make a living at spiritual teaching], and I’m also a little sad that She seems to be kinda distant… She’s not helping me out, which is surprising,
[as I recognized and acknowledged the feeling of Her deserting me, She whispered]
but what She just said, quite loudly is, “Give up on survival. Forget about trying to survive. You’re not going to survive. Forget it, you’re going to die, just give up on it. Just go ahead and share my words, share my wisdom and go about what you’re doing, but forget about living, you’re not going to make it, so just give up. Just enjoy the time you’ve got and continue sharing the words, but don’t try to be popular, don’t try to get anything out of it except the joy of sharing.” [Not an exact translation, that’s not how it works, but you get the point.]
5:51 AM: The emotions went something like this: Frustration. Anger. Despair. Sadness. Hopelessness. Then… surrender I guess? Or acceptance… might be the same thing, but after that, there was this sense of freedom—of a vast open place of pure Light, where I was the Light—and in that place, I can do whatever I want, “If you want to continue, continue. If you don’t, don’t. But don’t do it out of any sense of expectation [of some form of reward].”
[NOTE: The “feeling technique” I used (inspired by Micheal’s comment, but obviously I haven’t read the book), was to experience the feeling, then ask myself, “What feeling is this based on? What is it resting on?” and in doing so, progressively stepping deeper and deeper down into the darkness until even the darkness collapsed into the Light.]
5:51 AM: But it was only after hitting the lowest point, the surrender, the hopelessness surrender acceptance part, that is when I felt the Love. That is when I felt Her again.
5:52 AM: As soon as I felt the Love, when She reappeared, it was almost as if I fell through the hourglass of enlightenment again, but this time it was the Heart, the emotional part.
6:35 AM: I just had a vision, there are tears in my eyes now, of me lying on my deathbed as She says to me, “This spiritual path you’ve taken has led directly to your death. Has it been worth it?” And as I take my last breath, I can see myself smiling and whispering, “Yes.”
7:19 AM: An insight is I think I understand the Light Column test now (finally). It is as if every morning—every moment—I am faced with a choice: I can surrender or I can try. In surrendering (letting go of the bar and dissolving into the Light), I share without expectations. The other option (continue holding onto the bar) is I can try, try to make something happen by throwing my personal will and concerns into it.
7:27 AM: Ha! Just now I see in my newsfeed today’s post by Seth Godin: Hacking Reciprocity: “What they’re doing is hacking reciprocity as a tool to help them get what they want. They’re trading favors.” Ouch. My Shadow: “I’m sharing (doing you a favor). I expect to be rewarded for it.” Amazing. Shadow assumptions, what a pain in the ass.
Lots of lessons here to be digested. The one that hit me that hardest was the Hopelessness insight: I’ve been holding out hope that some miracle will occur, refilling my bank account before I run out of savings. But She’s saying, “Forget it. You’re going to die. It’s hopeless. Don’t be good (share what you know) in hopes of a reward, share because you love me. Share because you love them.”
Lots of lessons. Too many for a single post. Whew.
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