Hopelessness

A New Day After A Dark Night

A New Day After A Dark Night

NEAR COTTONWOOD, AZ

March 26, 2016 7:05 AM

Last night, a smaller, gentler Dark Night of the Soul—my second in about seven years. Gentler, but more profound than the first.

I don’t want to get caught up in documenting and explaining it yet. I’ve recorded the experience in my phone. I’ll transcribe it later. I want to digest it first.

March 26, 2016 10:01 AM

TRANSCRIPT FROM VOICE RECORDER:

5:04 AM: After reading Michael’s comments on getting in touch with the feeling behind the question, I guess what comes up is that I’m disappointed—no, wait… I’m sad—that I’m not going to be able to survive doing this [make a living at spiritual teaching], and I’m also a little sad that She seems to be kinda distant… She’s not helping me out, which is surprising,

[as I recognized and acknowledged the feeling of Her deserting me, She whispered]

but what She just said, quite loudly is, “Give up on survival. Forget about trying to survive. You’re not going to survive. Forget it, you’re going to die, just give up on it. Just go ahead and share my words, share my wisdom and go about what you’re doing, but forget about living, you’re not going to make it, so just give up. Just enjoy the time you’ve got and continue sharing the words, but don’t try to be popular, don’t try to get anything out of it except the joy of sharing.” [Not an exact translation, that’s not how it works, but you get the point.]

5:51 AM: The emotions went something like this: Frustration. Anger. Despair. Sadness. Hopelessness. Then… surrender I guess? Or acceptance… might be the same thing, but after that, there was this sense of freedom—of a vast open place of pure Light, where I was the Light—and in that place, I can do whatever I want, “If you want to continue, continue. If you don’t, don’t. But don’t do it out of any sense of expectation [of some form of reward].”

[NOTE: The “feeling technique” I used (inspired by Micheal’s comment, but obviously I haven’t read the book), was to experience the feeling, then ask myself, “What feeling is this based on? What is it resting on?” and in doing so, progressively stepping deeper and deeper down into the darkness until even the darkness collapsed into the Light.]

5:51 AM: But it was only after hitting the lowest point, the surrender, the hopelessness surrender acceptance part, that is when I felt the Love. That is when I felt Her again.

5:52 AM: As soon as I felt the Love, when She reappeared, it was almost as if I fell through the hourglass of enlightenment again, but this time it was the Heart, the emotional part.

6:35 AM: I just had a vision, there are tears in my eyes now, of me lying on my deathbed as She says to me, “This spiritual path you’ve taken has led directly to your death. Has it been worth it?” And as I take my last breath, I can see myself smiling and whispering, “Yes.”

7:19 AM: An insight is I think I understand the Light Column test now (finally). It is as if every morning—every moment—I am faced with a choice: I can surrender or I can try. In surrendering (letting go of the bar and dissolving into the Light), I share without expectations. The other option (continue holding onto the bar) is I can try, try to make something happen by throwing my personal will and concerns into it.

7:27 AM: Ha! Just now I see in my newsfeed today’s post by Seth Godin: Hacking Reciprocity: “What they’re doing is hacking reciprocity as a tool to help them get what they want. They’re trading favors.” Ouch. My Shadow: “I’m sharing (doing you a favor). I expect to be rewarded for it.” Amazing. Shadow assumptions, what a pain in the ass.

END TRANSCRIPT


Lots of lessons here to be digested. The one that hit me that hardest was the Hopelessness insight: I’ve been holding out hope that some miracle will occur, refilling my bank account before I run out of savings. But She’s saying, “Forget it. You’re going to die. It’s hopeless. Don’t be good (share what you know) in hopes of a reward, share because you love me. Share because you love them.”

Lots of lessons. Too many for a single post. Whew.

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4 thoughts on “Hopelessness

  1. Start at page 157:
    http://www.ccel.org/ccel/underhill/mysticism.pdf?membership_type=b10f8d8331236b8b61aa39bc6f86075c12d7e005

    In case it doesn’t download Evelyn Underhill wrote a classic description of a poorly understood step along the path of the mystic.
    “(4) In the development of the great and strenuous seekers after God, this is followed—or
    sometimes intermittently accompanied—by the most terrible of all the experiences
    of the Mystic Way: the final and complete purification of the Self, which is called by some contemplatives the “mystic pain” or “mystic death,” by others the Purification of the Spirit or Dark Night of the Soul. The consciousness which had, in Illumination, sunned itself in the sense of the Divine Presence, now suffers under an equally intense sense of the Divine Absence: learning to dissociate the personal satisfaction of mystical vision from the reality of mystical life. As in Purgation the senses were cleansed and humbled, and the energies and interests of the Self were concentrated upon transcendental things: so now the purifying process is extended to the very centre of I-hood, the will. The human instinct for personal
    happiness must be killed. This is the “spiritual crucifixion” so often described by the mystics:

    The great desolation in which the soul seems abandoned by the Divine. The Self now surrenders itself, its individuality, and its will, completely. It desires nothing, asks nothing, is utterly passive, and is thus prepared for.

  2. You say “the less there is of me the more there is of her”
    Your diary and excerpts from your book are all about you.
    I disagree that you cannot make a living from spiritual teachings. You only have to start asking yourself “How can I help my readers make their own spiritual lives better? What insights can I share that will help them every day. Its not about fancy websites. Its about asking “How can I help you a achieve YOUR goals.
    I don’t live in a van. I live in a chaotic world. I am looking for answers. If you provide answers that help me then I will come back for more answers.

  3. Beautiful to read. I look forward to what’s next.

    This mirrors my current lesson as well, though as usual you’re learning it on a much deeper level.
    “Don’t be good (share what you know) in hopes of a reward, share because you love me. Share because you love them.”

  4. Help us understand this Wayne: Have you just solved the biggest paradox of all right before our eyes?

    In your previous post I asked if your “discontent” was really just wanting things to be other than what they are. In other words, non-acceptance (non-surrender). Your response was “Imagine being TOTALLY accepting of everything. You’d sit down, and you wouldn’t get up…”. We concluded that Acceptance vs Action was a paradox to be resolved (eventually?).

    Today you say “…after that (further introspection into the feelings and then acceptance/surrender), there was this sense of freedom—of a vast open place of pure Light, where I was the Light—and in that place, I can do whatever I want, ‘If you want to continue, continue. If you don’t, don’t. But don’t do it out of any sense of expectation [of some form of reward].’ ”

    Your conclusion from the experiment: “…every moment—I am faced with a choice: I can surrender or I can try. In surrendering (letting go of the bar and dissolving into the Light), I share without expectations. The other option (continue holding onto the bar) is I can try, try to make something happen by throwing my personal will and concerns into it.”

    So there it is. Perhaps the perception of a “paradox/dilemma” is only a resting point. Further inquiry yields the insight: Discontent IS wanting things to be other than what they are. BUT: Things are never other than what they are, and seeing that dissolves discontent (desire). And in the next moment comes Light, peace, and the freedom to ACT APPROPRIATELY WITHOUT EXPECTATION (discontent).

    Seeing what you have done, I was moved to comment. In doing so, I accidentally (?) hit an obsolete shortcut and came to your old website that says:

    “A Mystic’s Journal: The Dilemma of Divine Surrender
    As a rational, nondual Mystic, I sought to surrender what little remains of my ‘self” to the Divine (what I call TaoGodHer or simply Her). This website covered my struggles, my inner doubts, and ultimately, the resolution and integration of what I have come to call the Mystic’s Dilemma.”

    You have, at least in this example, actually resolved the Mystic’s Dilemma. More, you have shown us how to do it, step-by-step, as never before. This level of public transparency has probably never existed in the history of spiritual dialog, if for no other reason than the existence of you and the Internet.
    I cannot thank you enough.

    Now comes an even more intriguing issue…” Forget about TRYING to survive.”

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