The Moment (I AM Aspect)

Six Hours Later

Six Hours Later


October 9, 2016 8:57 AM

In Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment, Jed McKenna wrote

I look upon Civil War hospitals and Nazi death camps and children’s burn wards with the same eye with which I look upon bursting gardens and starswept nights and laughing babies.

I wonder how he’d “look upon” pliers to his testicles type pain?

Though I’m only in outline mode for the I AM Aspect, yesterday provided a rare opportunity for a practically perfect “Moment” for the way I AM experiences the dream-like nature of life. (At the end of each Aspect chapter, I include a The Moment entry. They’re used to help the reader see the Aspect “in action” as I am experiencing it (or soon afterwards).)

The Moment

RENO, NV—It is like a dream, I thought. The moment like a wave that builds then crashes and collapses and recedes. I could see it as I lay there, then the pain became too intense and I lost the vision of the world manifesting out of the Vastness.

Like a pair of pliers to my testicles, those are the worst waves. When the pain is so intense that you feel as if you are going to lose anything left in your stomach.

Still, the pain felt perfectly pure. Perfectly other even during the worst of it. I still felt the pain though, but it didn’t feel like it was happening to me. It was close though. So close. So vivid and horrible.

Eventually the meds kicked in and the pain stopped feeling so painful. But this medically-induced distancing from the pain was not the the same thing as the I AM experiencing it as other. Where the pain meds convert the pain into something else, the I AM experiences it like a dream-event. Like something seen, but ultimately insubstantial.

Finally, the pain receded and I thought the kidney stone had passed into the bladder, relieving the pressure that causes all the pain. Past experience told me that soon this would be over, but I was wrong.

The doctor said, “There’s a stone the size of a marble lodged at the opening of your kidney. It’s not going to pass on its own,” and my hopes and heart fell. I had been through something similar almost a decade ago and it took the VA months to fix me. Months.

And all those thoughts—all those concerns about where I’d sleep, how I’d handle all the visits and the time and wondering if it snows in Reno or if I can move the treatment to another hospital—and the doctor said, “Plus it’s a long weekend so you can’t see the urologist until Tuesday.” Thoughts and questions and three days before I can even hope for an answer. IVs and medications and saline and trying to pee into a bottle while tangled up in tubes and wires. Wave after wave. All arising from the Source. Real yet insubstantial. Separate but One.

The unknown, the noise, the pain, the uncertainty… all ephemeral events arising from the Vastness. Not a dream, but like a dream. All fleeting. All parts of the Whole swimming around each other—dancing with each other—in the vast Sea of the Tao.

Just this. Just this. Just this.

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8 thoughts on “The Moment (I AM Aspect)

  1. Wayne, i’m sorry to hear you are going through this. Speaking as a nurse myself I have seen a lot of pain in hospitals. Hope you get well soon and I question how my “I am” would handle this moment you are going through.
    get well.

  2. First thought was “This too shall pass” but (on second thought) probably not the best thing to say.

    So here’ hoping there’s less of (the marble sized stone part of) you and more of her.

    Get well soon Wayne. This crazy world can’t afford to be without you very long right now.

  3. Healing and peace to you Wayne. In trials and pain, you will be sustained by God, have peace through it, and come out stronger on the other side of it.

  4. Ah, Wayne. I really feel for you. I know pain. What a learning experience it is, but I am sorry you are going through it. Are you feeling any better now? Thank you for your writing. I have enjoyed it immensely.

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