The Moment (Inner Ego)

The Remains Of The Lover's Breakfast

The Remains Of The Lover’s Breakfast


September 7, 2016 10:35 AM

The Inner Ego Aspect is all about our core personality. Not our roles, not our beliefs. Not our Me-story. Deep, ingrained personality traits. Traits that are practically impossible to change on our own, yet still change all on their own.

The Moment

How do I describe the Moment from the Inner Ego’s perspective? My core traits, my still repressed shadow beliefs that affect my outlook and actions?

I’m sitting in the 10 Speed Coffee Bar in Hood River, Oregon. Across from my table sits a young couple. The guy is athletic and laid back and Pacific Northwest cool. His vibe is carefree and fun and windsurfer. He’s got tattoos and a waterproof watch because you can’t carry a phone in a wetsuit while riding the winds on the Columbia River. The young woman with him is just my type if I were 20 years younger: Happy, fun, smart and sexy. Girl-next-door with a subtle ditzy yet loving attitude. I want to be like the guy and I want a girl like that. I know it’s stupid, but this thing, whatever I am, wants what it wants. I can’t help it, these are some of my core personality traits. They are ingrained and deep and aren’t worth even trying to change.

I’m smart and I’m stubborn. Not a good combination, ergo the carefree-envy. Smart has its benefits, but just as many costs. Smart and stubborn’s even worse. Smart and stubborn practically guarantees a solitary life. People are naturally defensive and insecure around smart people. Smart people are naturally defensive and insecure around others too, they just hide it better. But stubborn, ugh, add that to the mix and you get some serious interpersonal conflict.

Everyone in my family is smart and stubborn, well, everyone except my brother. He’s just smart. Probably adopted.

I’m happy for the couple. They seem so happy and in love. Life holds such promise for them. Love like that is difficult to find.

Not that I miss it, mind you. Relationships can be a pain in the ass for spiritual seekers. The quest for spiritual evolution is such an individual thing… it’s not conducive to coupling, with all the inner dynamics. It can be done, but only if the two are completely accepting and trusting of each other. Love like that is difficult to find.

A woman more in my dating range is sitting alone to my left. Earlier she was giving me the eye, but my lifestyle and focus on the book forces me to discourage advances. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I’ve hurt too many women in my past because of my conflicted interests. Spiritual growth or romantic relationship? It always seemed to be a binary choice for me. So I’d flip back and forth and cause lots of pain in the process.

The couple in front of me have left and my eye falls on the remains of their breakfast. Such a simple thing yet I find such beauty there. Most would see it as trash and look at it with distain, yet I see Her in it. It’s so beautiful! I know I’m weird.

I just snapped a photo of it with my phone. I don’t know how it will come out, but I like the colors and how the soft, overcast window light illuminates the scene. I like how the window light harmonizes with the inner Light I see radiating from within the food and glasses and plates. The crumpled napkin reminds me of a sitting buddha. I’ve always appreciated beauty. That’s another trait. An appreciation for form and color and patterns.

Smart and stubborn. Rational and mystical. Romantic and a lover of Beauty. These are tenacious traits, practically impossible to change or adjust consciously, yet they do change over time. They change all on their own as Life throws Herself at us and we learn to adapt. I’m far more mystical and romantic than I ever was. Even more carefree. Not as carefree as I’d like, but I have plenty of lifetimes for that.

But most of all, the biggest change that practically everyone who knew me from before comments about is… I’m a lot happier. I’m more appreciative. I’m more grateful. I feel blessed. Less me, more love.

It’s a long hard road, but there’s something to be said for the spiritual path.

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10 thoughts on “The Moment (Inner Ego)

  1. Beautifully expressed Wayne, I’m a big fan of your photography, there’s so much coming thru. Lol, at first glance I thought that was a real statue of Buddha, only to realize it was a crumpled napkin as u’ve mentioned! The vibe of this scene, I find amusingly satisfying and complete…. just so perfect as it is. <3

  2. Ah, but in my experience change in a moment of time is totally possible. At one moment I was one person, and the next I was another. Not only that, but I’ve known MANY other people who would say the exact same thing. One person described it as “Changed at the cellular level”. All I could do was nod my head in agreement. I looked around the room and say many other heads nodding as well.

    The big question is, “Who is that new person?” That was a process of years of hard work–and of course is not done.

    While total change is possible, it is frightening, painful and difficult beyond comprehension. Very few would do it willingly.

    • Absolutely change is possible. But to be “changed at the cellular level” is not something we do but something that happens to us. Usually it is in a profound moment of surrender. We surrender (the cause), then the change happens (the result).

      Practically every deeply spiritual person has a story like this. So does practically every addict who has admitted they are an addict and are helpless (surrender) to do anything about it. Many people who formerly had deep and dark (shadow) emotions that would continuously screw up their lives finally said, “This isn’t working for me anymore. I can’t go on like this.” and in that moment of acknowledging that they couldn’t “go on like this,” grace happens. It is almost as if She is waiting for us to admit that we aren’t as in control of ourselves as we’d like to admit.

      Can we change? Absolutely. Can we change our core personality? Indirectly through surrender (and we only surrender when Life beats us up enough), yes. Directly? No.

      Thanks for your comment Bob!

  3. Respected Sir,
    Do you experience sexual desire?
    Do you experience penile erections in the morning during waking up?
    Do you experience wet dreams and nocturnal emissions?if yes, how often?
    Do you masturbate? if yes ,How often?
    Do you experience erections or slight erections when thinking about women sexually?
    Do you have sexual thoughts?

    OR since your Enlightenment

    You have gone physically and mentally sterile and impotent?

    I am sorry to be so vulgar,but spiritual teachers dance around questions of utmost importance and are so opaque about what’s on going on in their heads..You are the first one perhaps in the history of the Internet who is so approachable

    Another thing

    After Enlightenment , do you see the whole Universe in front of you? All the stars and galaxies?

    After Enlightenment , do you see in front of you or know all the discovered and undiscovered equations, mathematics and theories that define Reality?

  4. Thank You Sir

    Yes about the Siddhis

    Sir can you please make a three stage differentiation of the Siddhis?

    1) Siddhis that upgrade one’s practical living situation and world dream (getting into a prestigious uni or job)——————happened with me a lot…To the point where a yogi in the past (Yogananda long dead before I was born) took a very very bad fall for me to save me from disrepute and suicide…Some sort of retrocausality as evidenced in the Hodor/”Hold the Door” moment in Game of the TV series it was a normal person taking the fall for a yogi in a complex moment of retrocausality…for me it was a yogi taking the fall for a normal person ,,other way

    2) Siddhis that Properly break the Laws of Physics …Like flying through air—————Never happened with me

    3) Siddhis that are borderline between the first two..That is siddhis that happen in your body—This happened with me twice and but only one can be said to be a bona fide siddhi

    Example: I once went on a fast to change a situation in my world dream and was on the 4th day of my fast…I could not take it anymore..The hunger pangs were immense and I was about to break my fast…But I thought I would give one last shot at meditating for around 20 mins before I eat something…but then in the meditation session I had cool hits of some sort of air in my spine and the hunger was INSTANTLY (not even one second) was gone…..It was exactly like how it is described in many Hindu yogic texts that prana can satisfy hunger….may be that is the technique used by yogis to feel full and go on indefinitely without eating whenever they feel hunger? instead of breaking my fast in 20 mins I could go for another two days fasting without any problem..but then I didnot again bother meditating and further prolong the ended my fast on the sixth day……But it was incredible that 3-4 seconds of feeling cool prana in my spine was enough for me to go on further fasting for two days

    So yes I would love a three part differentiation of Siddhis

    1) Upgrade of world dream Siddhis (there is always a plausible deniability that it is just a coincidence but the benficiary SURELY knows from where it comes)

    2) Breaking of Laws of Physics Siddhis——-Almost never happens anywhere I feel

    3) Siddhis that are in the borderline between the first two and donot fit into neat categories—————Many Siddhis experienced in the Body

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