September 7, 2016 10:35 AM
The Inner Ego Aspect is all about our core personality. Not our roles, not our beliefs. Not our Me-story. Deep, ingrained personality traits. Traits that are practically impossible to change on our own, yet still change all on their own.
How do I describe the Moment from the Inner Ego’s perspective? My core traits, my still repressed shadow beliefs that affect my outlook and actions?
I’m sitting in the 10 Speed Coffee Bar in Hood River, Oregon. Across from my table sits a young couple. The guy is athletic and laid back and Pacific Northwest cool. His vibe is carefree and fun and windsurfer. He’s got tattoos and a waterproof watch because you can’t carry a phone in a wetsuit while riding the winds on the Columbia River. The young woman with him is just my type if I were 20 years younger: Happy, fun, smart and sexy. Girl-next-door with a subtle ditzy yet loving attitude. I want to be like the guy and I want a girl like that. I know it’s stupid, but this thing, whatever I am, wants what it wants. I can’t help it, these are some of my core personality traits. They are ingrained and deep and aren’t worth even trying to change.
I’m smart and I’m stubborn. Not a good combination, ergo the carefree-envy. Smart has its benefits, but just as many costs. Smart and stubborn’s even worse. Smart and stubborn practically guarantees a solitary life. People are naturally defensive and insecure around smart people. Smart people are naturally defensive and insecure around others too, they just hide it better. But stubborn, ugh, add that to the mix and you get some serious interpersonal conflict.
Everyone in my family is smart and stubborn, well, everyone except my brother. He’s just smart. Probably adopted.
I’m happy for the couple. They seem so happy and in love. Life holds such promise for them. Love like that is difficult to find.
Not that I miss it, mind you. Relationships can be a pain in the ass for spiritual seekers. The quest for spiritual evolution is such an individual thing… it’s not conducive to coupling, with all the inner dynamics. It can be done, but only if the two are completely accepting and trusting of each other. Love like that is difficult to find.
A woman more in my dating range is sitting alone to my left. Earlier she was giving me the eye, but my lifestyle and focus on the book forces me to discourage advances. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I’ve hurt too many women in my past because of my conflicted interests. Spiritual growth or romantic relationship? It always seemed to be a binary choice for me. So I’d flip back and forth and cause lots of pain in the process.
The couple in front of me have left and my eye falls on the remains of their breakfast. Such a simple thing yet I find such beauty there. Most would see it as trash and look at it with distain, yet I see Her in it. It’s so beautiful! I know I’m weird.
I just snapped a photo of it with my phone. I don’t know how it will come out, but I like the colors and how the soft, overcast window light illuminates the scene. I like how the window light harmonizes with the inner Light I see radiating from within the food and glasses and plates. The crumpled napkin reminds me of a sitting buddha. I’ve always appreciated beauty. That’s another trait. An appreciation for form and color and patterns.
Smart and stubborn. Rational and mystical. Romantic and a lover of Beauty. These are tenacious traits, practically impossible to change or adjust consciously, yet they do change over time. They change all on their own as Life throws Herself at us and we learn to adapt. I’m far more mystical and romantic than I ever was. Even more carefree. Not as carefree as I’d like, but I have plenty of lifetimes for that.
But most of all, the biggest change that practically everyone who knew me from before comments about is… I’m a lot happier. I’m more appreciative. I’m more grateful. I feel blessed. Less me, more love.
It’s a long hard road, but there’s something to be said for the spiritual path.
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