The Moment (TaoGod(I))

Approximate Size of my Kidney Stone

Approximate Size of my Kidney Stone


November 1, 2016 10:38 AM

I’m always amazed how my life consistently “lines up.” How She—the Divine—manipulates my world so as to teach me, or others, something new. I didn’t understand the message of the Kidney Stone before.

But now I do.

From the book, written this morning just after I woke up…

The Moment

It’s been three weeks since my emergency room visit—a visit which revealed an 18mm stone lodged in my right kidney. A stone the size of a small pebble… or a large marble. A stone too large to pass on its own.

I awoke this morning—a few minutes ago with pain. At the VA hospital, they ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10. This morning it is a 4. But I refuse to take the oxycodone they’ve prescribed for it. Not because I’m adverse to pain medications, but that I refuse to write while under the influence of drugs. And I want to write. I need to, for I realize why She’s putting me through this pain. Why She’s gifted me with this kidney stone.

The book started with the Mortal Aspect, with the body. It’s fitting for it to end on dealing with the Mortal Aspect, with the body, as seen from the highest state of consciousness. I’m always amazed at Her wisdom.

I stand at the Threshold as I write this. I am the Opening—though of course I am not. From here, I can see the body and the pain as other, as contractions in the flow of Love. The body is a larger, softer contraction and within it, where the pain burns and tears another contraction, harder and more focused. More intense.

And I love them both.

It is not my Love that flows through me-as-the-Opening, and yet it is. It is Her/My Love. Her/My Love flowing forth and forming this Moment. Forming the sounds of the distant Traffic. Forming the chill in the Air. Forming the Body. Forming the Pain. Everything is capitalized. Everything is Sacred. Everything is God Herself. I’m so grateful. I’m so happy.

Ooh. The Burning. The Pain shoots higher—far more intense. Suddenly to a 6 or 7, but then it recedes. I’ve never understood the masochist, but maybe now I do. There’s almost something sensual in feeling Pain as other. The lack of control. The helplessness. The anticipation. The surrender. The loss of the sense of… of the illusion of a known and certain future.

And then I’m back. Back at the Threshold. The Pain pulled me away for a moment, but now I can see it again. It was like an ocean wave that struck me, tumbled me, but now I’m standing in the surf again.

There will be more Waves.

As long as there is the Sea, there will be more Waves.

It’s beautiful when you think about it. It’s beautiful when you live it.

I am grateful for them both.

I am at peace.

I am in Love.

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7 thoughts on “The Moment (TaoGod(I))

  1. Hi Wayne,

    I know there is something important about being detached from pain, and that pleasure and pain are different sides of the same coin.

    I am glad that the pain increases your appreciation of your life. That’s what our mortality is meant to do.

    I appreciate you can write through your pain, very admirable.

    But, can you please get this flipping kidney stone removed? Wont the VA schedule the procedure?

    By the way, Dr. Google says “Lab grade chanca piedra has shown high success rates in kidney stone treatment. This herbal remedy breaks down and prevents the development of new kidney stones.”. My family uses herbs all the time to treat maladies, mostly very effective when you find the right one for the issue.

    Get well soon, my friend.

    Best Regards,

    • re: VA Health Care: Every election, every politician promises to “take care of our veterans” but not a one of them does it. They throw all the money and attention into the facade (the staff at the hospitals are excellent), but the engine—the wait times in particular—are pretty sad.

  2. Hi Wayne,

    I am not an American, but i believe that most/all US hospitals have to provide emergency care, so if your pain gets bad, get to a hospital for emergeny treatment. This is required by (as per wikipedia) The Emergency Medical Treatment and Active Labor Act (EMTALA).

    Best Regards,

  3. “There’s almost something sensual in feeling Pain as other. The lack of control. The helplessness. The anticipation. The surrender. The loss of the sense of… of the illusion of a known and certain future.”

    Beautiful. That really helps me crystallize my own experience.

    BTW, what Al H says is correct. Part of the long wait times you mention is due to traffic in the emergency department. People have realized that the ED is the fastest route to get treated and unfortunately many abuse it. I trust you will be open (surrendered) to not only the pain but to action that would help you avoid the reality of getting stuck somewhere alone with pain at level 10.
    No doubt She will guide you.

    • Thanks Rob, and thanks for your donation.

      You made a comment recently that you’d hope I’d write about how I’m dealing with this kidney stone from a higher perspective. I’ve been a bit conflicted on that as I don’t want people to live the way I do when they aren’t psychologically or spiritually ready, so I’m leaving it to my actions and a little investigation on the part of the curious reader. As you probably noticed, I’m camped out in the middle of nowhere. If the pain shoots up to 10 (like it did when I went to the emergency room), I’m sh*t out of luck.

      But I must live true to my being. I don’t feel any fear, and if I acted on fear and “moved into town,” then I’d feel inauthentic. Not inauthentic to my Mind, but inauthentic to my being. I don’t feel fear, so I’m not going to act on fear. I’ve moved closer to Prescott (because of Her whispers), and I may move closer still, but not because of my Mind.

      It’s hard to describe, but everyday is like playing Russian roulette, “Is this pain going to get worse?” It’s an excellent teacher and I’m loving it (in a weird way). 🙂

  4. Read your book recently and really enjoyed it. Came here to see if there were any new posts and saw your kidney stone issue. I don’t know what your diet is like, but you could dissolve your stone without needing any surgery or whatever else they’ve suggested. Might be worth a try since you seem to have to be waiting around for a bit.
    Cutting all animal protein including dairy and lowering/cutting your salt intake can dissolve kidney stones that are quite large. If I were you I’d cut out all acid forming foods for this week/until it’s dissolved… especially since it’s so large and is causing problems. So that also includes bread, rice, and beans. So, honestly if you just eat fruit, veggies, maybe some potatoes so you aren’t too hungry feeling and drink a lot of water you can probably dissolve this pretty quickly. 🙂

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