November 1, 2016 10:38 AM
But now I do.
From the book, written this morning just after I woke up…
It’s been three weeks since my emergency room visit—a visit which revealed an 18mm stone lodged in my right kidney. A stone the size of a small pebble… or a large marble. A stone too large to pass on its own.
I awoke this morning—a few minutes ago with pain. At the VA hospital, they ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10. This morning it is a 4. But I refuse to take the oxycodone they’ve prescribed for it. Not because I’m adverse to pain medications, but that I refuse to write while under the influence of drugs. And I want to write. I need to, for I realize why She’s putting me through this pain. Why She’s gifted me with this kidney stone.
The book started with the Mortal Aspect, with the body. It’s fitting for it to end on dealing with the Mortal Aspect, with the body, as seen from the highest state of consciousness. I’m always amazed at Her wisdom.
I stand at the Threshold as I write this. I am the Opening—though of course I am not. From here, I can see the body and the pain as other, as contractions in the flow of Love. The body is a larger, softer contraction and within it, where the pain burns and tears another contraction, harder and more focused. More intense.
And I love them both.
It is not my Love that flows through me-as-the-Opening, and yet it is. It is Her/My Love. Her/My Love flowing forth and forming this Moment. Forming the sounds of the distant Traffic. Forming the chill in the Air. Forming the Body. Forming the Pain. Everything is capitalized. Everything is Sacred. Everything is God Herself. I’m so grateful. I’m so happy.
Ooh. The Burning. The Pain shoots higher—far more intense. Suddenly to a 6 or 7, but then it recedes. I’ve never understood the masochist, but maybe now I do. There’s almost something sensual in feeling Pain as other. The lack of control. The helplessness. The anticipation. The surrender. The loss of the sense of… of the illusion of a known and certain future.
And then I’m back. Back at the Threshold. The Pain pulled me away for a moment, but now I can see it again. It was like an ocean wave that struck me, tumbled me, but now I’m standing in the surf again.
There will be more Waves.
As long as there is the Sea, there will be more Waves.
It’s beautiful when you think about it. It’s beautiful when you live it.
I am grateful for them both.
I am at peace.
I am in Love.
It's Time To Wake Up
Mystical Oneness and the Nine Aspects of Being is a step-by-step guide to enlightenment and beyond.
It's Time To Be Happy
It's Time Let Go
Imagine I have only seven days left to live.