August 28, 2017 11:48 AM
Having accomplished in this incarnation all that I had set out to do (spiritual awakening in 2009 and writing Mystical Oneness last year), I left this planet on the morning of August 31, 2017 at one of my favorite camps along the Green River in Wyoming.
Both of my former vehicles—a 2013 Nissan NV2500 hightop van and a much older 1961 human male—can be found at these coordinates. (I wrote this post earlier and scheduled it to be published after I detached from these silly, mortal remains.)
Do not be sad for me. For years I’ve looked forward to death. I’ve longed to merge with the Light/Her/my Beloved again. Not out of sadness or depression or anything negative, but—like two lovers once separated—as an eagerly awaited reunion.
As I type this—standing and in incredible physical pain—I’m really looking forward to being with Her again.
One of the key properties of awakening is the loss of attachments—attachments to your ego, attachments to your job, attachments to your stuff, even attachment to life itself.
One of the most profound benefits of losing the fear of death, is that you learn to appreciate life in all its beauty and splendor—especially in the simplest, everyday things. I hope I’ve clearly shared this love and appreciation over these many years of blogging.
But with this lack of attachment to life also meant I lost my sense of… patience with physical pain or restrictions to my freedom. This unwillingness to put up with what millions of people put up with everyday (physical pain, homelessness, penniless, …) probably makes me seem a bit prima donna-ish. From my perspective though, I’m simply not attached to life, so why live a life I don’t want to (homeless, broke, or in deep, physical pain)?
So, over time, I set up some tripwires—red-line events—that should I encounter any one of them, I’d simply check out of this life and start a new one:
- Running out of money
- Losing my home (my van, Serenity)
- Unbearable pain not resolved by a trip to the emergency room
The last one I added after my last go-round with my last kidney stone last year. I said, “That’s it. I’m not locking myself into a single location because of health or pain issues ever agin.” Any of the above red-line events affect both my freedom and quality of life.
About a month ago I slipped on a boulder along a river in Colorado and hurt my back. Since then the pain has been gradually building. I was able to make the trip down to Florida, but the flight back was pretty miserable. I suspect the fall caused some damage that my body is compensating for and this has started putting pressure on the sciatic nerve.
The pain really hit me though, a few days after the eclipse. After waking up, I almost called an ambulance because I couldn’t figure out a way to get out of bed without “dental pick to a raw nerve” pain shooting through the right side of my body (9 of 10 level pain). I don’t know what triggered this sudden and rapid escalation of the condition.
Long story short: I experience about 50-75 “dental pick” shocks of pain every day. Two visits to the VA and one to a chiropractor left me nothing but a six-day course of steroids, three days of pain meds (can you believe that? how to torture pseudo-homeless veterans), and seven days of muscle relaxers. They didn’t perform any X-rays or MRIs. Apparently, even with a pulse rate of 130 bpm, they still figured I was faking it for the hydrocodone. None of the meds have helped, and the pain has only worsened every day.
Off topic, but maybe a stepping stone to Bernie Sanders’ “Medicare for All” initiative would be to first implement a “Medicare for All Veterans” plan. Sort of solve two problems with one politically-friendly option and open the door for future healthcare growth. Eh, maybe my next life. Maybe a reader can pick up that mantel.
Anyway, as to the pain, to go from sitting to standing (and vice versa) hits me with at least three seconds of level 9 pain (swearing like a sailor while crying like a little girl) followed by 5 minutes of the pain gradually subsiding to about a 5 (my now daily and “normal” pain level). Getting in and out of the driver’s seat (with all its contortions) is even worse.
Sitting, because it puts pressure on the inflamed/damaged/who-knows-what-else sciatic nerve in my right glute (butt cheek) never gets less than a level 6 (usually 7) pain (like sitting on a thick metal rod or spike). Needless to say, this makes driving nearly impossible (I really should have stopped driving about a week ago, but a nomad who can’t drive is, well…). I’m standing—with painful shin splints in my right leg due to all the muscles compensating—in order to type this.
I know, I know, I know. This pain can be fixed. Surgery (maybe); an injection of botox (maybe); physical therapy (maybe); …. To which I must counter: VA health system; living in a van; loss of my freedom to wander; and “Is it safe?” levels of pain (Marathon Man (don’t watch that scene, it’s too upsetting)) 50-75 times a day until it’s resolved.
Plus no attachments to anything in life. Nothing holding me here.
Simply put, I’ve no patience for getting old. Patient enough to put up with a week of excruciating pain to see if the meds do their job, but not patient enough to fight what is. Okay, maybe I am a prima donna. 🙂
(Status update August 30, 2017 9:59 AM: The pain has not subsided. If anything, it is worse due to my right leg muscles compensating for the right glute.)
I will be coming back though. I still have work to do on the TaoGod(I) Aspect (of the Nine Aspects of Being). This is the Aspect of divine union and probably why She stopped me from writing Being God: A User’s Manual. When you write a book on spirituality, you should at least be proficient (and ideally living one level above) the level you are writing about. Being God was more of a theory—a worldview—than most my other, experiential and evidence-based works.
(Status update August 30, 2017 9:59 AM: I have spent these final days focusing on exactly what I am to help with the death process and merging with the Light: I am Love. Aware, intelligent Love. Everything else is just the fog around me-as-Love. You are Love too.)
Now here’s where you can do me a favor (as crazy as it sounds). If you have a child or grandchild born anywhere from nine months to, say, nine years from now, and they have a birthmark on their right butt cheek (which is the center of all the pain I’m experiencing) or a damaged/birthmarked/missing right leg, then please introduce them to Mystical Oneness—or at least the theory—at an early age (you’re a fan anyway… pass it on!).
Birthmarks are often reflections of trauma sustained during the last moments of the previous life (see The Free Soul). As I will be inhaling helium to cease this misery (you just go to “sleep”) there won’t be any violent trauma type of injuries/birthmarks.
If I have any say in the matter, I’m going to try to find a fan of my work, and choose them as my next family. So there you go, I’m confessing one of my selfish reasons for writing Mystical Oneness: as a shortcut to my next life’s awakening. So in nine months, start checking those babies’ butts! 🙂
Mom, my only regret in this life is that I had to go first and put you through this. You’re just too damn healthy! I know you intuited this a few weeks ago in FL. Dad once told me that his “death tripwire” was if he ever got to the point he couldn’t go to the bathroom by himself. The other day, I almost passed out—my vision started to go dark—from the pain of sitting on a toilet in a Walmart (toilet seats hit the glute at the exact spot which sets off the 9 level, dental pick to the nerve-type of shock and pain). Dad was a wise man. Please don’t be too sad. I’ll see you soon enough. I love you.
Jeff, there should be plenty of money in my bank account to handle all expenses. Save some money and toss my old body in the garbage for all I care. If you decide to sell Serenity, Bob Wells—a friend and big name in van dwelling circles—did a video on Serenity not long ago. I’m sure one of his tens of thousands of fans may be interested in her as there were a lot of positive comments on the video.
I’ve also just paid another $360 to Media Temple (the hosting service) so the blog should be good for another two years. You’ll have to figure out the password for the blog (username = admin then my standard password + pattern that I hope you remember). All passwords should be accessible via Safari on my iPhone, iPad, or Macbook once you unlock these devices (if these devices haven’t been stolen by whomever finds the van).
As for everything else, well, you’re a smart guy and you’ll figure out all the details. I love you brother. Sorry to leave you with another retirement project. You’ll be on that sailboat soon. 🙂 Kiss the kids and grandkids for me.
Do not feel sad. I have accomplished everything I have set out to do. No authentic spiritual teacher fears death, so why would they allow themselves to endure physical suffering?
If I could only share one thing to help you grow it is to always remember this:
The less there is of you, the more there is of the Divine.
And if I could only share one piece of advice for your happiness it would be this:
Do everything for Love and everything you do will make you happy.
I’ll see you soon (no one ever dies).
I love you,
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Mystical Oneness and the Nine Aspects of Being is a step-by-step guide to enlightenment and beyond.
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