See You Soon

Wayne Wirs: 1961-2017

Wayne Wirs: 1961-2017

NEAR LA BARGE, WY

August 28, 2017 11:48 AM

Having accomplished in this incarnation all that I had set out to do (spiritual awakening in 2009 and writing Mystical Oneness last year), I left this planet on the morning of August 31, 2017 at one of my favorite camps along the Green River in Wyoming.

Both of my former vehicles—a 2013 Nissan NV2500 hightop van and a much older 1961 human male—can be found at these coordinates. (I wrote this post earlier and scheduled it to be published after I detached from these silly, mortal remains.)

Do not be sad for me. For years I’ve looked forward to death. I’ve longed to merge with the Light/Her/my Beloved again. Not out of sadness or depression or anything negative, but—like two lovers once separated—as an eagerly awaited reunion.

As I type this—standing and in incredible physical pain—I’m really looking forward to being with Her again.

The Details

One of the key properties of awakening is the loss of attachments—attachments to your ego, attachments to your job, attachments to your stuff, even attachment to life itself.

One of the most profound benefits of losing the fear of death, is that you learn to appreciate life in all its beauty and splendor—especially in the simplest, everyday things. I hope I’ve clearly shared this love and appreciation over these many years of blogging.

But with this lack of attachment to life also meant I lost my sense of… patience with physical pain or restrictions to my freedom. This unwillingness to put up with what millions of people put up with everyday (physical pain, homelessness, penniless, …) probably makes me seem a bit prima donna-ish. From my perspective though, I’m simply not attached to life, so why live a life I don’t want to (homeless, broke, or in deep, physical pain)?

So, over time, I set up some tripwires—red-line events—that should I encounter any one of them, I’d simply check out of this life and start a new one:

  1. Running out of money
  2. Losing my home (my van, Serenity)
  3. Unbearable pain not resolved by a trip to the emergency room

The last one I added after my last go-round with my last kidney stone last year. I said, “That’s it. I’m not locking myself into a single location because of health or pain issues ever agin.” Any of the above red-line events affect both my freedom and quality of life.

About a month ago I slipped on a boulder along a river in Colorado and hurt my back. Since then the pain has been gradually building. I was able to make the trip down to Florida, but the flight back was pretty miserable. I suspect the fall caused some damage that my body is compensating for and this has started putting pressure on the sciatic nerve.

The pain really hit me though, a few days after the eclipse. After waking up, I almost called an ambulance because I couldn’t figure out a way to get out of bed without “dental pick to a raw nerve” pain shooting through the right side of my body (9 of 10 level pain). I don’t know what triggered this sudden and rapid escalation of the condition.

Long story short: I experience about 50-75 “dental pick” shocks of pain every day. Two visits to the VA and one to a chiropractor left me nothing but a six-day course of steroids, three days of pain meds (can you believe that? how to torture pseudo-homeless veterans), and seven days of muscle relaxers. They didn’t perform any X-rays or MRIs. Apparently, even with a pulse rate of 130 bpm, they still figured I was faking it for the hydrocodone. None of the meds have helped, and the pain has only worsened every day.

Off topic, but maybe a stepping stone to Bernie Sanders’ “Medicare for All” initiative would be to first implement a “Medicare for All Veterans” plan. Sort of solve two problems with one politically-friendly option and open the door for future healthcare growth. Eh, maybe my next life. Maybe a reader can pick up that mantel.

Anyway, as to the pain, to go from sitting to standing (and vice versa) hits me with at least three seconds of level 9 pain (swearing like a sailor while crying like a little girl) followed by 5 minutes of the pain gradually subsiding to about a 5 (my now daily and “normal” pain level). Getting in and out of the driver’s seat (with all its contortions) is even worse.

Sitting, because it puts pressure on the inflamed/damaged/who-knows-what-else sciatic nerve in my right glute (butt cheek) never gets less than a level 6 (usually 7) pain (like sitting on a thick metal rod or spike). Needless to say, this makes driving nearly impossible (I really should have stopped driving about a week ago, but a nomad who can’t drive is, well…). I’m standing—with painful shin splints in my right leg due to all the muscles compensating—in order to type this.

I know, I know, I know. This pain can be fixed. Surgery (maybe); an injection of botox (maybe); physical therapy (maybe); …. To which I must counter: VA health system; living in a van; loss of my freedom to wander; and “Is it safe?” levels of pain (Marathon Man (don’t watch that scene, it’s too upsetting)) 50-75 times a day until it’s resolved.

Plus no attachments to anything in life. Nothing holding me here.

Simply put, I’ve no patience for getting old. Patient enough to put up with a week of excruciating pain to see if the meds do their job, but not patient enough to fight what is. Okay, maybe I am a prima donna. 🙂

(Status update August 30, 2017 9:59 AM: The pain has not subsided. If anything, it is worse due to my right leg muscles compensating for the right glute.)

Reincarnation

I will be coming back though. I still have work to do on the TaoGod(I) Aspect (of the Nine Aspects of Being). This is the Aspect of divine union and probably why She stopped me from writing Being God: A User’s Manual. When you write a book on spirituality, you should at least be proficient (and ideally living one level above) the level you are writing about. Being God was more of a theory—a worldview—than most my other, experiential and evidence-based works.

(Status update August 30, 2017 9:59 AM: I have spent these final days focusing on exactly what I am to help with the death process and merging with the Light: I am Love. Aware, intelligent Love. Everything else is just the fog around me-as-Love. You are Love too.)

Now here’s where you can do me a favor (as crazy as it sounds). If you have a child or grandchild born anywhere from nine months to, say, nine years from now, and they have a birthmark on their right butt cheek (which is the center of all the pain I’m experiencing) or a damaged/birthmarked/missing right leg, then please introduce them to Mystical Oneness—or at least the theory—at an early age (you’re a fan anyway… pass it on!).

Birthmarks are often reflections of trauma sustained during the last moments of the previous life (see The Free Soul). As I will be inhaling helium to cease this misery (you just go to “sleep”) there won’t be any violent trauma type of injuries/birthmarks.

If I have any say in the matter, I’m going to try to find a fan of my work, and choose them as my next family. So there you go, I’m confessing one of my selfish reasons for writing Mystical Oneness: as a shortcut to my next life’s awakening. So in nine months, start checking those babies’ butts! 🙂

Mom

Mom, my only regret in this life is that I had to go first and put you through this. You’re just too damn healthy! I know you intuited this a few weeks ago in FL. Dad once told me that his “death tripwire” was if he ever got to the point he couldn’t go to the bathroom by himself. The other day, I almost passed out—my vision started to go dark—from the pain of sitting on a toilet in a Walmart (toilet seats hit the glute at the exact spot which sets off the 9 level, dental pick to the nerve-type of shock and pain). Dad was a wise man. Please don’t be too sad. I’ll see you soon enough. I love you.

Jeff

Jeff, there should be plenty of money in my bank account to handle all expenses. Save some money and toss my old body in the garbage for all I care. If you decide to sell Serenity, Bob Wells—a friend and big name in van dwelling circles—did a video on Serenity not long ago. I’m sure one of his tens of thousands of fans may be interested in her as there were a lot of positive comments on the video.

I’ve also just paid another $360 to Media Temple (the hosting service) so the blog should be good for another two years. You’ll have to figure out the password for the blog (username = admin then my standard password + pattern that I hope you remember). All passwords should be accessible via Safari on my iPhone, iPad, or Macbook once you unlock these devices (if these devices haven’t been stolen by whomever finds the van).

As for everything else, well, you’re a smart guy and you’ll figure out all the details. I love you brother. Sorry to leave you with another retirement project. You’ll be on that sailboat soon. 🙂 Kiss the kids and grandkids for me.

To All

Do not feel sad. I have accomplished everything I have set out to do. No authentic spiritual teacher fears death, so why would they allow themselves to endure physical suffering?

If I could only share one thing to help you grow it is to always remember this:

The less there is of you, the more there is of the Divine.

And if I could only share one piece of advice for your happiness it would be this:

Do everything for Love and everything you do will make you happy.

I’ll see you soon (no one ever dies).

I love you,

Wayne

It's Time To Wake Up

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48 thoughts on “See You Soon

  1. I loved Wayne, too.

    Wayne made a big deal of what he called “transparency.” I expect I’ll get some blowback for saying this, but I found on a personal level, Wayne was very opaque. He seemed threatened by personal connection, seemed to be running away. I don’t know what constellation of life experiences may have predisposed him in that way, but it’s important to understand, the Wayne Wirs we see on the Internet is not the whole man.

    I say these things out of concern for those who may encounter his writings and think he had some kind of answer to the human side of spiritual life. Isolation is not an inherent feature of enlightenment. I believe Wayne’s death would not have been inevitable if he had found a way to discover that God is present in the human connections just as much as She is present in the vast world of mountains and rivers, forests and grasslands.

    In fact, I would have to say, the intense pain that prompted his impulse to kill himself could have just as well moved him to try to find what God was guiding him toward. It’s possible his sciatica would have resolved had he simply stopped driving for a few weeks. What might he have been challenged to discover if he had followed that prompt?

    Personal transformation is often prompted by pain, whether physical or emotional. On the other side of each round of transformation, one inevitably finds, one is ever more connected to God, ever more filled with grace, ever more united with the entirety of life.

    Goodspeed, my friend. I loved you, and I will always love you.

  2. This is sad. I really wish he had let us know he was broke.

    The Tibetan dzogchen tradition holds the belief that he will walk the earth for 49 days, plus or minus.

    I will be on the lookout for Wayne.

  3. I never knew Wayne except through his website I found last year. So impressed was I with his photography, I looked forward to his posts, a quick reading of the caption and downloading his picture to add to my background slide show.

    I will miss him and wonder why I cry and have an ache in my heart for a man on a website. Truly, he is no longer in pain and in that magnificent place reunited with his higher self and She.

    I will miss you, Wayne and will meet you sometime, somewhere.

  4. I will miss you, but I’m happy that you are pain-free and at peace, Wayne. You wrote about your non-attachments so often, that I feel like you prepared us for this. I hope that you have been carried by Love into Love. Thank you. I’ll pray for your peaceful journey tonight.

  5. Dear Wayne, I am praying and hoping that by some chance you are still with us. Please don’t do it. I can only imagine the pain and frustration you must be enduring. You will be sleep deprived, worn down by it, perhaps not thinking as clearly because of it. I am concerned that this decision is clouded by the physical, and the brain is physical too may be inducing you with concepts of rebirth and starting your book, these sound like delusions of escape that you have become attached to. Sorry if this sounds harsh.
    I am no expert on any of all this but I feel that this should not be your end. You have so much more to give than your words alone!!
    If there is a monastery or safe haven you can go to where you will be cared for please go there, surrender yourself to the loving kindness of others. They may help you to heal, and perhaps move to your next phase of this Life.

    But if you have passed I send you love and light in your passing. That you will be safe in the embrace of the love you so desired.

  6. I know Wayne doesn’t want us to be sad. I say the same thing about leaving this earth.
    I still feel sad for his passing. I never met him. I thank Randy Vining for introducing me to him via the internet.

  7. Love you Wayne!! Awakened or not physical pain is a great trigger for everybody.
    Physical pan + psychological pain on top of it is the pits and dark night of the soul for sure….and everybody dies!! there is not gracious exit…yet….and sometimes i think suicide is one of the most courageous one. Stoic people used to do that back in the day.
    I have a dream: Everyone reaching 50+ will be entering in a pre-planned system where knowing what is the Plan, all responsabilities, projects and everything one wanted to do in this incarnation will be DONE!! tHEN throw a big party to say good by and enter the: BEAM ME OUT SCOTTY!! so we will be beamed out into the real Light Beam to whatever next virtual reality is tghere to go.
    Finished, finito, end of suffering…whoever thinks this is a happy life is not paying attention!!
    Love to all still trudging the road to happy destiny.
    Gypsymaggie

  8. So sorry to hear that you checked out, Wayne. It doesn’t quite seem right. But, now that you are gone, rest in peace, my friend. God’s love be with you, always.

  9. Oh What have you done Wayne, what have you done !!
    The tears are simply refusing to stop – no matter what I do to stop them.

    May You forever Rest In Peace and Thank You for all your Love and Sharing.

  10. For those who have similar pain issues as Wayne did. Please dont just rely on allopathic (regular) medical solutions. Wayne didnt tell us about his problem (i checked his last half dozen blog posts, and not a word). My mother-in-law is recovering for heart attacks and breast cancer using cbd concentrate cannibis oil. This stuff really works. She was near death, bed ridden, when we started this treatment and now, two months later, she can get up and down stairs, go for short walks in her stroller, etc. This has been a remarkable recovery. We had heard of relatives of several people we knew whom had had similar success, and better. You put a small bead of it on your finger and press it onto your inner cheek inside your mouth three times daily (do research on internet for more details).

    So, Wayne, if you had told us your problem before you offed yourself you might have found some relief. I just wish you could have stopped playing the guru long enough to let us help you.

  11. I posted this elsewhere. Perhaps it’s relevant here …

    Wayne Wirs, you never knew how much I cared about you. In memory of a fiercely independent man who recently took his own life:

    “It is true that we are called to wholeness. But the reality is that we can never be completely whole in and of ourselves. … So we are called to wholeness and simultaneously to recognize our incompleteness; to power and to acknowledge our weakness; and to both individuation and to interdependence.

    ‘Rugged’ individualism … runs with only one side of the paradox and incorporates only one half of our humanity. It recognizes that we are called to individuation, power and wholeness. But it denies entirely the other part of our story: that we can never fully get there and that we are, of necessity in our uniqueness, weak imperfect creatures who need each other.

    This denial can be sustained only by pretense. … The idea of rugged individualism encourages us to fake it. It encourages us to hide our weaknesses and failures. It teaches us to be utterly ashamed of our limitations. It drives us to attempt to be superwomen and supermen. … It pushes us day in and day out to look as if ‘we had it all together,’ as if we were without needs and in total control of our lives. It relentlessly demands that we keep up appearances. It also relentlessly isolates us from each other. And it makes genuine community impossible.”

    ~ M. Scott Peck, The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace

  12. @ all, i have never met wayne but had few email conversations with him. i am also a seeker. After the last book wayne wrote (dying words) , i thought that he is finding it difficult to shed the body and also make other people accept mystical aspects of life. I shared with him some aspects of a present day guru & mystic sadhguru, who is 3rd time enlightened and took birth totally willingly this life & shed his body previously just sitting willingly in full awareness, without harming the body. He has took birth just to teach and create some yogic practices. Some of his disciples have also done the same – understood the whole mechanism of life and just merge in the cosmic at will. (sometimes called as mahasamadhi or mukti). Wayne had said to me that he will read about him.
    I am writing it here in comments to convey to all seekers like Wayne who are very aware & desperate to merge into totality ending this physical life; there is a better way which does not cause any harm to body and ensures that you do not return. I know Sadhguru as a current teacher teaching that, there may be many more around but not so popular.

  13. I too knew and loved Wayne.
    For those of you struggling to understand his motives, I want to shed some light on his pain issues. He said

    “to go from sitting to standing (and vice versa) hits me with at least three seconds of level 9 pain”…”the pain, to go from sitting to standing (and vice versa) hits me with at least three seconds of level 9 pain (swearing like a sailor while crying like a little girl) followed by 5 minutes of the pain gradually subsiding to about a 5 (my now daily and “normal” pain level). Getting in and out of the driver’s seat (with all its contortions) is even worse.”

    If you are unfamiliar with numbers associated with pain, its what we use in the hospital for patients to rate their discomfort on a scale from 0 (not pain) to 10 (the most unbearable pain you ever had). Of course it is a subjective scale, meaning that everyone rates pain differently. But keep in mind that Wayne had experienced a kidney stone and (from my own experience) would no doubt have rated it a 10. Now a 10 means that your entire consciousness is engulfed in pain, you cant even think, your body screams and moans all by itself, and you hyperventilate uncontrollably. It is hell. You can appreciate that a 9 is not much better. For me, a 5 level means that pain has grabbed my attention and all I can think about is how to treat it. Now imagine that you experience pain on a scale of 5-9 many times daily, with no hope of relief. Perhaps that puts some perspective on Wayne’s mindset.

    In memory, here is a link to Wayne’s favorite song, relevant to the title of his last message:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YDz-ftqr1g

  14. @ Rob

    Avatar is a great movie, aligns with Wayne’s perspective that we are simply using a human avatar in this great earth experiment, to further our soul’s development.

    If Wayne’s incarnation has satisfied his purpose in this lifetime, then there’s no point in dragging thru the rest of life with unbearable pain and suffering for no reason. I totally understand and agree with his position. It seems he has accomplished everything he needed to do, teaching and sharing his awakening experience. And touched many lives with his presence.

    One more for the proverbial road:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipGf5wWLf9Y

    ♪Oh how I wonder, oh how I worry, and I would dearly like to know
    I’ve all this wonder, of earthly plunder, will it leave us anything to show
    And our time is flying, see the candle burning low
    Is the new world rising, from the shambles of the old

    If we could just join hands♪

  15. @ Rob – Totally agree with you. When I shared this news with a very good friend of mine, she just was confused whether it was the right way (and she was utterly sad as well).
    But just as you mentioned, the one who has to endure the pain knows what he/she is going through And add to this fact that towards the end there was hardly any attachment to the body that Wayne felt and therefore Wayne’s ‘take on the Life’ that lived through him would have to be taken in that light.

  16. Do not really know what to think. Sadness is present. Do not want to judge Wayne’s decision. His words helped me develop. Owe Wayne a deep debt of gratitude. We have to carry on without your guidance. Rest in peace my friend.

  17. I do not know what to think. I am absolutely shocked to come back to Wayne’s blog and to read his post. Oh my god….Is this true? Or hopefully some prank? I would have never thought to read lines like these. I somehow can believe it.
    I really liked your blog a lot, Wayne. …
    S.

  18. Every day in the United States, 22 veterans commit suicide. Wayne Wirs was a veteran, and he committed suicide. In my opinion, that is the most telling fact about Wayne’s passing. He wrote that his military service made him a “trained killer,” and that he almost died during that service.

    He created an elaborate spiritual narrative about his choice to end his life. It is important, in my opinion, that we not take that narrative at face value, or at least that we not take that narrative to be the whole story. I think Wayne wanted to kill himself because of the trauma he carried from his service.

    Again and again, he repeated two catchphrases:

    “The smart have their books and the wise have their scars.”

    “The less there is of me, the more there is of God.”

    I’ve wondered about the scars. The word seemed to suggest something finished, healed, but I think the reality was, those were not scars. They were open wounds.

    Throughout nondual culture you encounter the attitude that true awakening, enlightenment, involves complete annihilation of the relative person, of the little “me,” of the ego.

    I don’t believe this attitude was the cause of Wayne’s demise. Rather, I believe it was a convenient, readymade, compelling argument he could adopt for the powerfully self destructive undercurrent that surged through him and carried him toward oblivion. It was a cloak of invisibility he could don to cover the scars, the open wounds, the raw humanity. In a phrase, it was a spiritual bypass.

    That expression is often used dismissively, as a criticism or even an attack, but I think it’s important that we understand this without judgment, without condescension. It’s unfair to Wayne to say he was deluded or he was lying to himself. He was simply wounded, and he was trying to find a way to address his woundedness.

    He wrote eloquently about his desire to merge completely with God. I think his experience of God was authentic and his urge for total unity with God was real. But I also think he was describing an urge to lose himself, to fly free from the trauma he carried, in that merging.

    He spoke for years about his intention to kill himself. He set three “tripwires” he would respond to with suicide:

    Running out of money

    Losing the van he lived in

    Pain that did not resolve with a trip to the emergency room

    The first two could be solved with a blog post, and the third is absurdly demanding and impatient. A trip to the emergency room is a starting point, not a solution. Wayne’s sciatica was treatable, I’ve no doubt of that. He only accepted cursory treatment, and he consciously acted in a way that made the pain worse. He said driving made it worse, but he kept driving until he could no longer remain sitting. He said he didn’t want to go through physical therapy. He was a strong, healthy man in his fifties. It may be the pain would have resolved if he simply stopped driving for a few weeks. My sense is, he was terrified of having to depend on other people, and he was terrified of being told what to do. And my sense is, he simply wanted to die.

    There has been much discussion about “conscious choice.” In my opinion, this framing is problematic and even dangerous. Anyone who wants to die can tell themselves they are making a conscious choice. Those discussions are online, in the open. Anyone can see them, including those who are lost, desperate, looking for a way out, looking for a rationalization. I’m concerned that some may look to Wayne’s way of passing as an example, as a template. I’m concerned that we, in our respect for Wayne as a spiritual person and a spiritual teacher, not become enablers, facilitators of premature death. We must, in my opinion, separate the fact of Wayne’s suicide from the persona of an awakened teacher he presented.

    I have seen comments that “He couldn’t have been awakened,” invoking the impossible (and pervasive) paradigm that all human fallibility must have burned away for an awakening to be authentic.

    As I knew him and experienced him, Wayne was luminously awake. He wrote brilliantly, beautifully, soaringly about his experience, and he offered insights and encouragements that have inspired and benefitted many who have encountered them.

    Wayne was awake, I’ve no doubt of it. And he was human. In his awakeness, he was truly one with God, I’ve no doubt of that. And in his humanness, he was deeply wounded. There is no contradiction in this. For our own sake, for the integrity and authenticity of our own awakening, each of our awakenings, each of us, it is important that we understand and come to peace with that paradox.

    • Hello Jerry,

      you are an excellent observer – your last post explains a lot about Wayne’s possible train of thought. Thank you, mate. We all seem to be masters of suppression. I will carry on using his knowledge – it is direct, unmasked and parallels a lot of what ist said by other enlightened souls.

      Best wishes
      Marcus

  19. Well said Jerry. He was definitely both.
    When he would ” Open Open Open. Truly an energy and clarity was there.
    On the other hand there was a ” guy ” trying to figure it out. To be right. To know. And also to help.
    I’ve seen this event coming for awhile, and apparently so did his mom. When I followed his blog closer, in the past, I would comment to him and try to steer him back. He was a bit stubborn however. 🙂 A closed ness.
    I’ve always thought, although I never told him. His works and his books were really a case study on the trials that may arise when seeking the truth. Wayne being so transparent and articulate, showcased that beautifully.
    He was trying to teach or show a way, but “the way ” has been stated for eons if you can only hear. His real teaching was his journey, out there for all to see.

  20. Here, for what it’s worth, is the essay I sent Wayne a few years back. He writes about it his book, A Mystic’s Journal, which culminates in the resolution of “The Mystic’s Dilemma,” which the essay helped him resolve.” When I saw his interview however long ago that was, I was concerned he was trying to annihilate the little “me” and I reached out to him. We spoke at length a couple of times and exchanged emails and online messages frequently:

    Regarding mind and Brahman …

    I’ve never quite bought the idea that the world is a dream, mind unreal and thoughts just projections, clouds that float across the sun to be dismissed as mere shadows, distractions, entanglements.

    Ordinary waking consciousness is itself a dream because in ordinary waking consciousness, we do not see things as they are. We see ourselves as separate, identified with and defined by whatever the little “me” has attached to. In ordinary waking consciousness, I am these relationships, this profession, these accomplishments, these possessions, this reputation, this personality, this body … and everything else is “not me.”

    We see things as solid, separate objects, material “things” that are distinct from other material things. Things bang into other things, rebound like billiard balls and then bang into more things in a cascade of seemingly discrete encounters that appear to us as “cause and effect.”

    This is the world of Newtonian physics, of matter and energy, a clockwork universe. But there is an Einsteinian world, a universe of infinite quantum fields where matter and energy are not separate, and there are no separate “objects.” There is a single underlying reality that appears as myriad different things but really is fundamentally one, undivided field. That is what the modern understanding of physics, quantum field theory, superstrings, tells us.

    And that is what we awaken to.

    Knowledge is different in different states of consciousness. Each state of consciousness has its own reality that is true, authentic and valid for that state of consciousness, but not true, authentic and valid for another.

    A teaching may be true or useful in one state of consciousness, but no longer true or useful after we have awakened to the next state of consciousness. We create problems for ourselves if we try to apply the truths of one state of consciousness to another state of consciousness where they are not true.

    People do this all the time.

    We do it when we try to apply the truths of an awakened state of consciousness to ordinary waking consciousness. We may tell ourselves, “I am not the mind, I am not my thoughts, I am not the little ‘me’ that imagines it is a separate thing,” and it is all right to tell ourselves that.

    But we cannot awaken ourselves to the reality that our true identity is not the mind, thoughts, the little “me” by simply telling ourselves it is so. We may attach ourselves to this effort. We may persist dogmatically toward a purely mental construction of what we imagine awakening should be. We may convince ourselves intellectually, psychologically, that the mind is unreal, even that the little “me” doesn’t exist.

    And we may hypnotize ourselves into thinking we have awakened where no actual awakening has happened. In doing that, we may drive ourselves into a state of dissociation. We may find ourselves stranded in a no man’s land where we have severed our connection with the world, severed our connection with our own mind, personality and feelings, without recourse to the infinite transcendental Self that is beyond them and is what we really are.

    Awakening is exactly what the word means. We awaken into a completely different state of consciousness, a completely different world. We cannot awaken ourselves from a dream simply by dreaming about waking. And we cannot transcend the relative mind, we cannot arrive at the infinite, unbounded source of thought, the eternal, transcendental Self, simply by thinking about how unreal the relative mind must be.

    We may awaken into an intermediate state of consciousness, where we have found ourselves to be the witness, the infinite eternal Self deep within, silent, separate and untouched by the world, where the mind, ego, little “me” are no longer imagined to be true self. In that intermediate stage, the mind, thoughts, little “me” may seem clearly to be illusory, transient. We don’t merely believe or understand they are illusory; we see it. But, real as that seeing is, true and valid for that stage of awakening, it is only an intermediate stage.

    Knowledge is different in different states of consciousness.

    As we continue to awaken, we may continue to tell ourselves, “the mind is unreal, thoughts are only projections … .” But when awakening has matured into unity, into Brahman consciousness, which sees all things are Self and there is nothing that is not Self, then everything is real.

    Here, the universe that is Brahman consciousness is discovered to be a magical, enchanted world where everything is made of consciousness, everything is alive.

    Each thing, each encounter, exchange, movement, sensation, thought, emotion, perception … is part of an infinitely complex, beautiful and perfect dance. All becomes a perfectly choreographed interplay of Self interacting, dancing with Self. Universal Self dancing with individual self. Universal, infinite Self dancing with universal, infinite Self as it somehow, impossibly, moves in this place, sees from these eyes, from my eyes, here in this place, in my place, and sees itself, discovers itself, worships itself, me, in every form, everywhere throughout time and space and eternity.

    “Brahman is the act of offering. Brahman the oblation poured by Brahman into fire that is Brahman. To Brahman alone must he go who is fixed in Brahman through action.”

    ~ Bhagavad Gita ch. 4, v. 24

    Everything becomes synchronicity. Everything becomes meaningful, purposeful. No longer does anything appear to “cause” anything else. Or it may be seen that any pair of “cause and effect” can be interchanged. “This only happened as a result of that” is just as easily seen as “That only happened so it could result in this.”

    “The enlightened knower of Brahman knows the unity of cause and effect.” Everything perfectly fits. Everything is real. The world is real. The mind is real. Thoughts are real. The little “me” is real.

    “Only Brahman is real.”

    And it is all Brahman. The world is Brahman. The mind is Brahman. Thoughts are Brahman. The little “me” is Brahman.

    But if we have attached ourselves to the idea that “the mind is unreal, thoughts are only projections … ,” that attitude may persist even after awakening to unity. We may shut ourselves out from fully living Brahman consciousness. Out of habit, we may stand frozen in an attitude of aloof dismissal, on the sideline, while the universe dances without us.

    That is the enlightenment a great many people imagine. That is the enlightenment a great many people pursue, hypnotically questing for a pristine, perfectly uninvolved, flat, monochrome, worldless, mindless, thoughtless, egoless, “me”-less … “enlightenment” they will never achieve, that no one ever can achieve.

    And in that questing, they will miss the enlightenment that is their birthright. They will miss the enlightenment they may have already awakened to. They will miss their own enlightenment if they persist in imagining they are still dreaming, if they cling to a dogmatic preconception of what enlightenment is supposed to be, and never look at the reality that is before their eyes.

    And here is part of the magic.

    In Brahman consciousness, there is still some residue of mental projection, illusion, dreaminess. This is necessary so universal, infinite Self can do that impossible thing of seeing from here, through these eyes, my eyes, me. There has to be enough illusion of separateness to maintain that sense of a little “me” who is in this place, here.

    Only thus, through the dream within awakening that there is still a little “me,” can Brahman dance with Brahman: Brahman the offering, Brahman the oblation, Brahman the fire into which Brahman is poured. There are not four Brahmans performing this celebration. Only one. Brahman alone is real. Brahman alone is, but through the residue of dream that allows a sense of multiplicity to persist, Brahman interacts with Brahman.

    Still there will be a personality with quirks and foibles, issues and habits that carry along from before and continue calling to us for transformation.

    It can be a bit disorienting when this doesn’t match our preconception of what enlightenment is supposed to be. Many who encounter this assume it means they are not enlightened, and they try relentlessly to extinguish the residue of their own individuality.

    They take that residue of dreaminess to mean they are still asleep. But they are not asleep. After awakening to Brahman, it becomes a lucid dream.

    After awakening to Brahman, if we are able to release our preconceptions, we see the residue of dreaminess for what it is. We know it is a dream, and we simultaneously know it is nothing but Brahman dreaming within Brahman. In fact, it is a divine dream. It is the divine dream. Fully awake, even to our own dreaming, we see, we immerse ourselves in the exquisite dance.

    Without the residue of dream, we could not dance, Brahman could not dance within us, we could not dance within Brahman. Brahman could not pour Brahman into the fire that is Brahman. This is the exquisite dance of an awakened human life. It is the divine, exquisite dance of the universal infinite Self, the source and fulfillment of all that is.

    “Brahman is the act of offering. Brahman the oblation poured by Brahman into fire that is Brahman. To Brahman alone must he go who is fixed in Brahman through action.”

    “The will of man then is the will of God, the activity of man then is the desire of God, and man fulfils God’s purpose. … Then is the selfishness of man the selfish end of God; the individual mind of man the cosmic mind of God; the individual breath of man the cosmic breath of God … .” ~ Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

    Essay by Jerry Freeman

  21. I believe that we are here to experience the world, share it with others in a loving way, and to be able to melt into the cosmos, returning here whenever required while we are physically alive.

    Yogananda mentioned that some mystics leave their bodies when the time arrives to do so. Those mystics must have been aware of some schedule to adhere to. Perhaps Wayne was aware of his schedule?

    I say we should stay vigilant until the clock runs out. Perhaps easier said than done. But I also choose to live in a community and family, and visit the cosmos awareness when time permits. I will have plenty of time to blend with eternity when my time here, determined by life, and not my little me, is up.

  22. @ Jerry,

    It depends on how you define “awakening”. If u r aware every of waking moment, would u consider urself “enlightened”? After all, these r just words, thoughts, concepts we use perfunctorily to communicate a word, though or concept.

    Defining is not knowing, expressing an idea or concept does not prove “enlightenment”. After all, the state of enlightenment is diametrically opposite of the mere thought or understanding of it.

    Wayne simply lived his life the way he wished to experience it… consciously. We are merely speculating, dissecting, analyzing, postulating his life thru his work. So who’s closer to the truth?

    I believe discussing anyone’s intentions or actions is ultimately pointless…. we can barely justify our own thoughts or actions at any given moment in time, lol. I simply appreciate Wayne for who he was, a genuine kindhearted spirit manifested in a man trying to share his experiences with us as transparently as humanly possible. That’s good enough for me, whether we believed he was enlightened or simply delusional is ultimately irrelevant.

    Altho being a rational mystic, i feel Wayne would have appreciated a good senseless debate!
    BTW, “rational mystic” is a kinda oxymoronic pun, but understandable if you have a sense of humor. 🙂

  23. @ Jerry
    Thanks for sharing your powerful insight. You said “When I saw his interview however long ago that was, I was concerned he was trying to annihilate the little “me” and I reached out to him” I was one of the people who helped convince him to do that interview on BATGAP, as he was initially reluctant. And I too often felt uneasy about his saying about “scars”. Physical scars are evidence of surviving traumas from the past. If he was implying psychic scars then he was referring to samskaras (perhaps the similar sounds of scars and …skaras is no coincidence?). In that light, the implied pride in samskaras seems a bit misplaced and maybe not so wise.
    You said you were concerned he was trying to annihilate the little “me”. Later in your explanation you said “In that intermediate stage, …, little “me” may seem clearly to be illusory, transient…. But, real as that seeing is, true and valid for that stage of awakening, it is only an intermediate stage.”
    Not wishing to foster a “senseless debate”, I seek clarity on your seeming implication that if Wayne had fully entered “Brahman consciousness” (beyond the intermediate stage) then perhaps he would have taken a different course in response to his tripwires. If I have understood you correctly, and knowing that there is nothing one can “do” to enter Brahman consciousness, and given that your explanation to him apparently was not effective in stimulating a transition beyond the intermediate stage, what recourse did Wayne really have in terms of dealing with his woundedness (if your hypothesis is correct) and the samskaras leading to his end?
    Certainly there are logical alternatives for dealing with money, transportation, and even severe pain – but it all comes down to motive. One can only do what one is moved to do. It seems to me there is a simple lesson in this for all of us who were interested in his unique path. Perhaps the lesson has to do with the true meaning of surrender, which takes many forms and can be confused with just giving up. What do you think? Maddie?

    • This is the paradox I wrote about at the end of the eulogy further up this thread. It’s one of the features of awakening/enlightenment that’s hardest to come to terms with. Shankara referred to it as “leshavidya,” the faint remains of ignorance that necessarily persists after awakening. Necessary because without that residue of illusion, there cannot be the experience of anything separate at all, no way to inhabit a human body and see the world through human eyes.

      I mentioned it briefly in my own BATGAP interview near the end. I said something like, “People think leshavidya is just the faintest little tissue of a sense of the relative world, barely enough to remember your name, but how would that work? Somehow, you’re not in Brahman yet, but you’ve gotten rid of almost every last trace of illusion? And then you cross into Brahman? No, you bring it in with you, whatever was there, and then after getting into Brahman, it burns away after that. Whatever you have with you when you cross that threshold into Brahman consciousness, that’s where you start, and then it thins down from there.

      Shankara described it as like seeing a double moon that one still sees for a time even after being cured of the eye disease that caused it. It’s in his commentary on the Brahma Sutras. He’s talking explicitly about Brahman there.

      But you use the term “fully entered” Brahman consciousness. It’s Brahman consciousness from the beginning, but there is a ripening, a maturation, as one acclimates to the new Reality. In time, the double moon resolves into a clear vision, but it can take a long time to mature. We wouldn’t say it isn’t Brahman consciousness, even though the leshavidya is still very strong. But we could say it is not yet well integrated, not yet mature Brahman consciousness.

  24. @Rob, in the essay, this is the relevant paragraph, if I understand what you are saying:

    “But if we have attached ourselves to the idea that ‘the mind is unreal, thoughts are only projections … ,’ that attitude may persist even after awakening to unity. We may shut ourselves out from fully living Brahman consciousness. Out of habit, we may stand frozen in an attitude of aloof dismissal, on the sideline, while the universe dances without us.”

    It is Brahman, but it is not fully lived, not the full potential of the Reality one has entered.

  25. @ Rob

    i can’t speak for Wayne or anyone else, from my perspective Wayne did what he did by impersonal choice. he’s not killing the “soul” of Wayne, just his body/ ego aka “little me”.

    After his spirit left the body, he simply discarded it like a snake shedding old skin… nothing personal/ no attachment, his former body no longer served his purpose in this lifetime.

    Wayne realized he was/ is/ will always be Brahman/ Christ/ God consciousness forever, so what’s the problem with reuniting “yourself” – as part of the ONE/ Unity Consciousness?

    Everyone acquires scars during their lifetime, it’s simply part of life. Rob, ur getting too cerebral with “stages of consciousness”, again it all depends on one’s perspective. U are implying that if Wayne had attained higher consciousness, perhaps his choice may have been different and he would find another solution. Yes, no, maybe. Again it boils down to impersonal preference and attachment to life. If Wayne truly felt he needed to stick around for us or someone special in his life, i’m sure he would have found a way. Since he’s a loner/ wanderer, there’s really nothing to keep him here on Earth if he felt his mission accomplished, then why stick around? Rationally i would have to agree, why drag it out, waste time, energy and resources. However on the emotional level, of course we all miss him and wish he was still around, but that’s sentimentality. Clearly this trait was not high on Wayne’s list, so he ended it. Whether that was the right or wrong decision, it’s not up to us to say. I would simply respect Wayne’s decision and leave it at that.

    He did hint at wanting to reincarnate and come back… which i found interesting. Most mystics who attained claim they will not come back as human b/c the samsara of life and death has been broken, there’s no more advancement.

    I suppose Wayne felt he would be more effective or needed in a future date and is not done with the human experience. Of course only Wayne’s spirit can choose that path again, but consciously this time around. Whether he surrendered or gave up, again only Wayne can know for sure. According to Wayne’s blog epitaph, he surrendered lovingly to the great beyond, rejoice in his memories. <3

  26. I first came here following Wayne’s spectacular photo of the 2012 eclipse. And now, just after his lovely photo of the 2017 eclipse, he is gone. His photos are some of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. I also enjoyed his writing, although I think he found me mostly annoying. I eagerly followed his van dwelling posts, because I think I will be forced into the van life soon myself, and he made it seem lovely.

    I’m not awakened or enlightened. I’m just sad. Really sad. I hope he found the reunion with Her to be all that he hoped it would be and more. My deep condolences to his family and friends.

  27. I’m so heartbroken! I looked up to you so much, man!

    During my journey of recovery from suicidal thoughts, I started meditating and found that my depression and anxiety started diminishing. I decided to follow “the path” in my own ways, and I came across your blog and work along the way. I feel so sad. I feel so lost. I looked up to you b.c I wanted to avoid doing what you have done.
    I will never hold it against you, but know that I’m deeply hurt. Tonight I felt so suicidal, so I decided to look up inspirational words from you, after not having been on your blog in a few months, and I couldn’t believe it when I read the date of your birthday and death on the main page.

    I wish you were still here.

  28. Thank you, Wayne, for your life and friendship. You followed the artist way of standing naked before the world, bravely sharing the joys and pains, the mysteries and insights, and the loneliness and communion of your mystic wandering. Each of us who have commented here traveled with you and, though you’re lost to sight, we still do. … What an adventure life is in all its facets, including “death”!

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