Hopelessness

A New Day After A Dark Night

A New Day After A Dark Night

NEAR COTTONWOOD, AZ

March 26, 2016 7:05 AM

Last night, a smaller, gentler Dark Night of the Soul—my second in about seven years. Gentler, but more profound than the first.

I don’t want to get caught up in documenting and explaining it yet. I’ve recorded the experience in my phone. I’ll transcribe it later. I want to digest it first.

March 26, 2016 10:01 AM

TRANSCRIPT FROM VOICE RECORDER: … Read more…

The Witness is only the Beginning

A Tree Near Ash Fork

A Tree Near Ash Fork

OUTSIDE WILLIAMS, AZ

February 28, 2016 4:35 PM

Without the path of the Heart—without the Love—the Witness is a dead end.

The Witness says, “If I can see it, it can’t be me.” End of story (literally).

TaoGod(I) says, “If I can see it, it IS me.” … Read more…

Toward a Heart and Mind in Harmony

A Newer, Lusher Camp

A Newer, Lusher Camp

W OF CONGRESS, AZ

February 11, 2016 3:49 PM

I knew it was time to leave, but I didn’t know where to go.

No place was calling me.

My Mind and my Heart argued: Go to ground and write! Explore! Go to the coast (too crowded!) Go to the forest (too cold!) Get the book done and be free of it!…. … Read more…

Another Test: The Shooters

4 Mile Creek

4 Mile Creek

4 MILE CREEK, CO

August 14, 2015 10:24 AM

“Are you shooting?” he asked and I knew, from the pistols they were sporting, they weren’t talking about taking pictures.

“No, I’m camped here.”

He looked over at his buddy, who slid a little to the left to get a clean shot should things go south. “You want to move your van? This is sort of an ‘unofficial’ shooting range around these parts,” he said looking me dead in the eye as his hand moved toward his weapon. … Read more…

A Lost Document

A "Lucky" Camp on the Piedra River

A “Lucky” Camp on the Piedra River

THE PIEDRA RIVER, CO

July 7, 2015 8:36 AM

I turned down a dirt road that paralleled the Piedra river, and though all the dispersed campsites were already taken, at the very last one—just before the road headed up and away from the water—a family pulled out at the exact moment that I was pulling up.

Though there was no Signal here (internet), I took the “coincidence” as a sign and made camp anyway. Was it a form of manifestation (I wanted a camp along the river) or did She have something in mind for me (a form of guidance)? I didn’t know… I never know. … Read more…

The Experience of Cosmic Consciousness

Two Distinct Personalities

Two Distinct Personalities

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—I didn’t want to post the previous article, The Rabbit Hole, simply because it was an example of thinking your spirituality rather than living it and I had just gotten off my rant against that very subject.

But…

When Cosmic Consciousness wakes up within you, you end up with what is called a duplex personality. Having a duplex personality simply means that there are two personalities operating within you: An individual consciousness (the Wayne-thing), and Cosmic Consciousness (TaoGodHer).

This is NOT like a split personality where only one consciousness functions at a time, nor like possession where one consciousness suppresses the other. Nor is it even like channeling, where one personality is allowed to function through the individual’s body.

With a duplex personality, there are two consciousnesses acting at the same time and largely in harmony (with practice). There is the louder, individual consciousness, and the quieter, often silent Cosmic Consciousness (what I refer to as Her).

This is NOT intuition, nor is it some psychic ability. Cosmic Consciousness is a separate intelligence and will functioning within the body—though it is much softer and quieter than the individual personality.

I (the individual Wayne-thing) didn’t want to write the previous article, but She whispered that I should, so I did.

Just like an ocean wave (the individual consciousness) doesn’t know everything that is going on in the other parts of the ocean (TaoGodHer), I hardly ever know why She whispers what She does—but I have learned from experience to listen and to act on these whispers.

This takes a tremendous amount of faith, especially when your mind says to do “A” (and you have very rational reasons to do “A”) but She says to do “B” instead and is silent as to why.

In Michelle’s latest blog post, Doing, you see two excellent examples of this in action. In the first, Michelle—in harmony with TaoGodHer—finds herself effortlessly flowing to sign up for an energy course (this flowing is reminiscent of my casino experience). In the other, Michelle wants to join a political organization and her mind tells her to make the phone call—but TaoGodHer tells Michelle not to. Michelle didn’t make the call even though she doesn’t know why (and you can see her frustration at not being able to explain why not).

When Cosmic Consciousness (TaoGodHer, God, or whatever you want to call Her) wakes up inside you, your life becomes at once beautiful, magical and mysterious (once you get the hang of Her floating around in there). There’s a difficult path to get to this point (EternalRadiance, and Emptiness practices), but once She wakes up inside you, She makes it all worthwhile.

The Other Side Of Emptiness

Looking Up Into The Leaves And The Light

Looking Up Into The Leaves And The Light

NEWPORT, OR—Though she hasn’t been “hit” yet with the Realization (“OMG, I’m just a bunch of thoughts!”), Michelle is definitely “tasting” Emptiness and is already running into the problem of “bringing it into everyday life.” This brings her to the point of how I largely function on a day-to-day basis: Radiance post Emptiness/enlightenment. I don’t have a word for this Radiance-after-Emptiness state, but its key difference from “practice” Radiance is that you no longer identify with the portal (think of yourself as the portal), but see it as a natural contraction needed to bring Emptiness into the world.

From our dialog:

Michelle:

More quiet time home thanks to a hurt wrist and personal time from work and I’m able to feel emptiness beneath the me thought cluster. The cluster I call me does have weight and form and familiarity, but it’s still a shadow. Just a heavier one. If I could bring that awareness into my everyday life… That would be amazing.

Wayne:

I’m not convinced that Emptiness can be brought into everyday life.

But, the integration of the levels definitely can. My point is to question the assumption: that Emptiness can be brought into everyday life. Can it? I don’t know of anyone who has done it. I’ve seen a lot of teachers on stage, or giving satsangs, but that isn’t everyday life.

Anyway, keep focusing on Emptiness, but now bring Radiance into play also. Feel the Love and Light arise and shine forth from the Emptiness. I don’t have a name for Radiance-after-Emptiness, but the difference from “regular” Radiance is that the portal/shell now feels like a contraction that is a part of the experience, but no longer you.

Pre-Emptiness, the portal/shell felt like Michelle, now, see if it doesn’t feel more like a bridge or opening that allows the Love/Light into the world… to shine the Love outward and provide it to others.

Try to start seeing the self-contraction as a bridge between the world of Man and the world of the Divine. Let me know how it goes.

END DIALOG

The Creepy Guy In The Van

The Van In The Wilderness

The Van In The Wilderness

BEND, OR—One of the reasons van dwelling isn’t more popular is because of the Creepy-Guy-In-The-Van syndrome.

Sitting in my van, typing away on the computer, I glanced up to catch a young mother looking over at me. She instinctively reached for her child’s hand and my mind said, “She thinks I’m the creepy guy in the van,” and I felt The Contraction as the me-thing hardened up. Yuck.

Self centered thoughts, what a pain in my ass.

The chipmunks and the cardinal-like bird taught me that all animals have a primitive sense of self—that evolution rewards self-preservation. Likewise, evolution rewards animals that don’t stand out from the herd—that aren’t too different from the other members of their species. What self-respecting seagull wants to mate with that nut case Jonathan who is always out perfecting his useless acrobatics skills while the rest of us are flocking around doing the-very-important-but-not-really-examined-seagull-stuff? Who’d mate with a weirdo like that?

Evolution rewards the herd. It rewards conformists. (Today’s contrary view: This morning’s post by Seth Godin. Today’s sad supporting evidence: This morning’s news of a crowd watching a murder in a McDonalds.)

Just like self preservation is hard-wired into our brains, I’m pretty sure that social conformity is too.

I’m pretty sure the question, “What do they think of me?” (in some instinctual primitive form), is physically wired into our brains and there’s not a damn thing we can do about our minds asking us this question (no matter how subtly) over and over and over whenever it sees we are around others.

Damn hard-wired mind, what a pain in my ass.

Maybe that’s why solitude is so attractive to the spiritual seeker. It makes their life easier. It makes the Emptiness—the Vastness that lies below all the noise of the ego—much more easily accessed.

Anti-social people seek to repress the instinctual query What do people think of me?, creating (I’m guessing here) an inner conflict which manifests as anger and cynicism toward their fellow man.

But the authentic spiritual seeker—in her quest to understand her true nature—can’t afford inner conflict or self deception. In the pursuit of spiritual truth, she can’t afford to repress or deny the question, What do people think of me?. So what is she to do?

The Frog Master knows:

You are not your thoughts. You are not in control of your thoughts. There is no need to take thoughts seriously. There is no need to feel responsible for them. Your thoughts are not you.

Put another way—and as ironic as it sounds—you could say that your thoughts are not your thoughts. Thoughts are just a bunch of instinctual noise in your head.

I still take thoughts too seriously sometimes. I still contract when my mind says that someone else’s mind is telling them that I am the creepy guy in the van. Damn hard-wired mind… pain in my ass. But I’m trying, Ringo, I’m trying real hard to be the Frog Master.

How I Roll

Walker Pass Trailhead

Walker Pass Trail Head Campground

On the Kern River, LAKE ISABELLA, CA—It was time to go. I needed some supplies and some water and a pit toilet to dump my port-a-potty. I also needed to find a laundromat (or buy some more underwear). Such is the life of a nomad.

But mostly I was just feeling the need to move on.

Over the last few days I’ve been oscillating between heading south and around the Sierras (my original plan) or continuing northward along the eastern side of the mountains.

My mind said, “North. You’ve got a big project you’re working on and plenty of space and free camping practically anywhere north of here.” Solitude is very conducive to productivity.

Still, my mind—as rational as he is—isn’t nearly as important to me as he used to be. I don’t hold him in such high regard anymore. Actually, he’s kind of a pain in my butt, but what can you do?

So I hopped into the driver’s seat—still not knowing where to go—and pulled out my book of maps of California. I cleared my mind, let go, expanded into the Vastness and just gazed at all the little lines and various routes.

“South and around,” She said loud and clear. “South and around.”

An hour later, I found myself in Ridgecrest, CA. I picked up some supplies, eyeballed some possible night camps, and found a laundromat that, for a Sunday afternoon, was surprisingly empty.

Reader Margaret had mentioned a trailhead campground about 20 miles out of town and directly on my route around the southern tip of the Sierras, but still I didn’t know if I should stay in town for the night or try to make it there before sunset…

My laundry was done and put away. My refrigerator was full. I had water and food and an empty toilet and everything I needed to go wherever I wanted. My home, as always, was right here with me. Do I stay, or do I drive on…?

So I waited for a whisper.

And I waited some more.

And I got nothing.

What difference does it make what I do? How do you make personal decisions when there is no personal you? Life lives through this thing, but without the “me, me, me” motivator which everyone else has, making decisions for this Wayne-thing leaves me feeling constantly ambivalent. It often leaves me feeling directionless and adrift.

But contrary to what you might think, I don’t mind feeling adrift. Adrift—when you surrender to it—feels wonderful, feels guided, feels spontaneous.

But adrift isn’t always practical.

So I did what I often do when I don’t know what to do (which is practically everyday): I flipped the silver dollar my mother had given me before I left Florida the last time.

When I don’t hear Her whispers, flipping a coin is how I let TaoGodHer decide my fate. It’s got a much more tactile sense to it.

Heads I drive to the trail head. Tails and I crash for the night at a strip mall nearby.

But the coin flip is sacred. Don’t ever flip a coin if you aren’t willing to abide by Her decision. Seriously. Don’t.

It’s getting kind of cold now and my heater’s low on propane (yeah, I forgot to buy propane) and I’ve got no cell signal up here so I won’t be staying more than the night, but…

But it’s also very beautiful, and quiet, and serene up here. It’s a great camp, Margaret. Thanks.

And thank you my Beloved. You’ve never done me wrong.

The Rule Of Threes

Trapped Between Man and Nature

Trapped Between Man and Nature

MELBOURNE, FL—Now I know I’m crazy—no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I hesitate to even post this, but in the interest of transparency and the truly straight-out-of-a-movie quality of the last unbelievable act… well, anyway, I’m seriously starting to question my own sanity, so take this post for what it’s worth. I hesitated nearly a week talking about this whisper because it was so unusual, but somehow it came out yesterday (and under duress I might add) after our Thanksgiving meal and it seems that just by voicing it, it may have put The Rule of Threes into affect.

Judge for yourself (and judge me all you want), but you’ve been warned. … Read more…