MISSOULA, MT—Self motivation drives practically everyone. But what happens when you have no self? What motivates you when you’ve seen through the illusion of “you?”

If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I struggle with this issue—how difficult I find it to make personal, self-centered decisions—and this issue has become very apparent over these last couple of months as I find myself on the road with nothing to “do” and nowhere to do it.

More below the break (huh?).

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MISSOULA, MT—My mind has been going back and forth on the whole RV vs Fixed Quarters issue. Yesterday (Thursday) as I left Ferndale, I said to myself, “Well, let me just go check out Portland one more time.”

As I drove south, I had that distinct nauseous sensation that I often feel when my life is about to go to hell. But my mind said “Portland! You love Portland! Just get it out of your system. Make sure you really want the RV life.”

As I continued southward, I passed a highway sign which said, “Spokane” but it didn’t say it in my normal internal voice, it whispered it, and when She whispered, She whispered in a very sensual voice, “Spokaaaaaaane..”

I listened, turned and headed back eastward.

By heading back inland, where the weather changes from season to season and thus not on my list of places to live, that whisper kind of pushed me in the direction of the RV (since I wouldn’t want to live in Spokane or anyplace which gets a lot of snow).

I think I’ve decided—and I reserve the right to change my mind later—to head down to Arizona or New Mexico where I know the boondocking is easy and there are a lot of used RVs for sale.

I have to admit though, I’m still wrestling with this. Bad mind! Baaaadddd.

I received a number of comments today from a new reader, A. Lilly, and I tried to send him/her an email but the mail didn’t go through. As I was sending it, I realized others may appreciate the email so—and maybe that’s why it didn’t go through (She can be sneaky that way)—I felt I should post it here on the blog.  The contents below the break…

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OKLAHOMA CITY, OK—About a month ago, while I was staying at my parents, I experienced two powerful dark nights of anger.

Two nights—separated by about a week—where dark repressed anger from my old solid self overwhelmed me. Lying in bed alone in the dark, I was helpless to control these emotions.

In the sense that these deep repressed emotions poured out of my unconsciousness, these nights were similar to my Dark Night of the Soul (though much milder). Old anger poured outward, and a separate clear, loving “me” accepted it.

The funny thing is, not for one nanosecond was I angry at anything real—none of the anger was based on Reality. Only the past. Only non-existant pieces of mental fluff. I was mad at a bunch of Hortons.

Even though I knew I was mad at nothing, it didn’t make my suffering any easier.

On the flip side, I felt completely clear afterwards and I continue to, to this day. After each “purification,” I felt as if some dark and heavy weight—a weight that I didn’t know I even carried—had fallen away.

It’s all part of the process. The letting go. The surrendering.

PALM BAY, FL–I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve fully integrated this enlightenment thing yet. I’m still tumbling down the mountain, but I feel it coming to an end, so I guess it could be more accurate to say I’m sliding on my butt down the wet grass of the foothills, occasionally hitting a pile of sharp, hidden rocks which remind me I’m still not fully yielding to Her will and intentions.

One of the lessons I’ve learned recently is that, as the Borg liked to say, Resistance is futile.

More below the break (huh?).

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DURANGO, CO–I specifically rented a car–rather than buying one–for the reliability. I said to myself, “I’m done with all this drama.” So when the car broke down this afternoon (Wednesday) 40 miles north of Durango on a lone mountain pass (out of cell phone range of course), I just had to smile.

I didn’t experience an ounce of fear or trepidation. I knew She was messing with me for a reason and within seconds–seriously, seconds–of opening the hood of the car, a wonderful woman stops and asks if I’m having trouble. Her cell phone worked and she called Hertz for me. The woman, Louise, was into meditation and Buddhism, so I gave her a copy of Fading Toward Enlightenment out of gratitude.

After I got down from the mountain–an hour and a half later–I called Louise back (she had checked in repeatedly with Hertz to make sure I got down from the mountain safely), and it turns out that she is in the middle of a dietary cleansing, a six month spiritual intensive, and is writing a book, so, she said, meeting me and reading my book was very synchronistic for her.

It’s all practice. More and more, as things go “wrong,” I find myself smiling and just waiting for Her to get me out the the mess that I find myself in. Maybe She’s just screwing with me so that I learn to have absolute faith in Her/The Universe. Maybe She’s reconditioning my mind and emotions to “let Her drive.” Maybe I was “called” to Durango (see my last post) because something in FTE or our conversation will help Louise on her own spiritual journey.

Regardless of the reasons, with all these “Job-like” events in my life lately (Randy’s words), how could anyone doubt that there is something much “bigger” running things? Seriously, if you’ve followed my blog for the last few months, how could anyone doubt that there is a much greater intelligence operating in our lives? (See posts under Synchronicity and Adapting To ).

The less there is of you, the more there is of Her.

Yesterday, I was talking about how, without the ego barrier separating “you” from Her, there is a profound, yet inscrutable “communication” between the two poles (of You-that-was-on-the-inside and Her-that-was-on-the-outside).

As I was finishing up yesterday’s blog, there was a knock on my door.

Long story short, the local Oregon Food Bank sent over a driver, and he brought along his mechanic friend to check out my truck for donation, simply because the donation sounded, in their words, “too good to be true.” In poking around at it, they got it to run (a bad battery cable connection). Because it was just an inspection, they didn’t have the donation paperwork, so they said they’d take care of it tomorrow.

Suddenly I had a working truck that didn’t cost anything to fix and would be perfect for getting me and my stuff back to Florida.

What would you have done? What I did is below the break (huh?).

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EUGENE, OR–As I’ve mentioned often, making personal decisions has become surprisingly difficult for me since awakening. I don’t have problems solving problems (software design, trouble-shooting, etc.), but, because there is no “me” left (as weird as that sounds), there seems to be no basis for making decisions about my life or direction–nothing to rest the decision on.

Recently though, I think I’ve found a solution: Listen for Her/Us/TheUniverse to “tell” me. I’m not talking about psychosis or schizophrenia, but listening to powerful intuition, emotional feedback, and synchronicity. More below the break  (huh?).

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LOLO NATIONAL FOREST NEAR ST. REGIS, MT–As I drove northwest from Missoula, I stopped by a river, read, ate, and took a bath in its cool, clear waters. With no pressing engagements, I decided to spend the night.

I love the freedom that the stealth camper provides. Without the need to research campgrounds, I can just drive off in any direction I feel like heading, stop when I’m tired, make camp pretty much wherever. The freedom is wonderful.

In the last post I mentioned that I was inquiring into this “pebble” of self, this “Wayne” thing. If you’re interested, I go into it more below the break (huh?).

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A STARBUCKS IN MISSOULA, MT–”Flowing” would be a good word for my direction lately. I’ve been in Missoula a couple days now, mostly working on the the consulting gig and poking at this little “pebble” of self that remains in the Oneness flow (more on that later).

I haven’t done much on the rig since I left. No direction has clarified whether to keep her or not, so I’m not putting a lot of effort into fixing her up. I’m not feeling any pressure to decide though, so I’m just coasting with it until it clarifies.

More and more I find this is the best way to make life decisions, just roll with the situation–not fight it or try to control it–until a direction clarifies. When the time is right, She’ll make Her intentions known.

BY A LAKE ABOUT 5 MILES NORTH OF BEACH, NORTH DAKOTA–”Jim and his Karma” left a comment on my last blog post stating basically that he felt I was just kidding myself about this enlightenment thing. (Actually, he left two comments, but I wrote this before receiving the second one). My response below the break (huh?).

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A CORNFIELD SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE BISMARCK, ND–After locking my keys in the truck while stopping for a break in the woods of the Chippewa forest, I took it as a sign that 1) She wanted me to stay the night here and 2) it was time to get my priorities straight.

An hour later I got the truck unlocked (with a small branch no less), and spent two nights right in that spot.

In the video The Secret they tell you that you can gain your wildest desires if you only focus on them. That’s true–if you aren’t ego based. Spirit (what I call Her) almost magically provides as long as there is little or none of “you” left. This is simply because there is less of “you” and more of Her operating through your body/mind.

Lately I have been concerned about problems with the truck (a natural concern with a used vehicle) and sure enough, I’ve been having problems with the truck. Nothing big, and frankly mostly my own fault, but enough to really make me see who’s really running things here.

So I spent the two days re-evaluating my priorities:

1. Really start listening to Her.
2. See and drop any resistance to Her.
3. Work on the consulting gig (for income).
4. Make the truck more livable.

ASHLAND, WI–So I’m driving and my mind is spinning around and around with stuff like, “Is this really the lifestyle I want? Look at the freedom! I feel like I’m doing something wrong when I make camp in someone’s parking lot. I can travel anywhere and stay anywhere!”

Round and round and round.

The doubts come up when I can’t get online to do some work or I’m taking a shower with a garden pump sprayer or I’m using a bucket and cat litter for a toilet. The joy and freedom is felt when I pull off the road overlooking Lake Superior, open the back doors and sit in my home and take in the view for a couple hours.

As my mind spun in circles and the doubts whirled, I asked myself, “Did I do the right thing?” and just as clear as day I heard Her voice, “You’ll know when you get out West.”

Until just that moment, I didn’t know where I was heading.

Take over Baby. I don’t need me anymore. Let me just get out of Your way.

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL–I’ve just finished a response to a Wisdom for Alms email. In it, I talked about personas, about putting on an outfit in order to play in the great Game of Life. I mentioned how a persona is not a lie or a false front, but a focusing of a set of qualities that reflect aspects our true nature.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been focusing on gentleness. As I mentioned in a previous post, gentleness seems to underlie the Selfless state.

Invariably, when I am not feeling gentle, I find that I am under the conditioning of the old “Wayne Wirs.” Conditioning which is the result of 48 years of cultural programming.

Conditioning can be re-programmed.

Conditioning is why I am living in gentleness. To reprogram my reactions. To still my old, unconscious ways.

Without a self, we stand stark naked in front of others. But that nakedness makes others uneasy.

Gentleness is like wearing a soft, comfortable bathrobe–and a smile.

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL–You may have noticed I changed the name of this blog again, Down-to-Earth Enlightenment. Recently I came to realize how my “way” differs from almost all the other spiritual teachers out there.

Most enlightenment teachers teach from the top down: “This is what Heaven’s like. Come on up.” They provide an “open space” for the student to find their own way to enlightenment. They sit, they glow, and they beckon.

That’s just not my way. I tend to work from the ground up. I work best in the trenches, taking the hand of whomever I’m helping and guiding them up out of the darkness. I’ve had years and years of experience in corporate America doing just that. I was always the favored “tech guy” to go to because I helped people truly understand what was wrong (without making them feel stupid)–and I’d do it in a down-to-earth, approachable, and easy to get manner.

Part of the “Awakening Pregnancy” thing (bottom of this post) seems to be this insight: I am more of a spiritual guide than a spiritual teacher. I’m more comfortable helping people one-on-one–getting results–than some guy sitting up there in front of a crowd, glowing and smiling. I can glow and smile like the rest of them, but I really don’t like that approach. It just feels to distant for me. Too impractical.

I’m not ruling out talks–hell, I’m not ruling anything out–I just don’t want my style to be sit, smile, glow, and beckon.

“The less there is of me, the more there is of Her.” Synchronicity is a powerful indicator that the belief that we are all One is indeed true. The less there is of you–blocking the Divine within–the more readily the Universe (Her/your Beloved/the Divine Mother/God) can work through your body and in your life…
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DEERFIELD BEACH, FL–As many of you know, I have been hanging out in “limbo” lately as I try to adapt to this “identity-less” state of enlightenment. Indeed, I’ve come to think of human consciousness as having three distinct levels: Hell (normal, personal self-centered consciousness), Limbo (after the personal self drops, but before full integration), and Heaven (after integration).

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DEERFIELD BEACH, FL–In an effort to resolve my “spiritual identity crisis,” last night I attended my first kirtan with Sula. A few months ago, Chandi had sent me an audio of a kirtan that she had participated in and I loved the way the sound of the chanting made me feel inside. I sensed–and I believe Sula did as well since it was she who suggested it–that all those loving, chanting, vibrating voices would shake something loose and help unlock my blockage. (more…)

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL–I found myself in a large, dark, circular room, illuminated by a single column of light in its center. Others were in this room with me, shadows sitting silently facing the Light. Curious, I stepped into the Light and, to steady myself, grasped hold of a pole standing next to the column. Immediately my entire body was burned away and all that remained of me was my hand firmly gripping the pole and I was afraid and I was at peace and I was one with God and She spoke through me/the Light and said to those seated, “I so love you. I am so grateful to you, for it is through you that I can see Myself.”

This occurred in one of my 5 am “visions”–an awake, lucid, “dream”–while camped out in Louisiana a month or so ago. I was hesitant to speak of it for fear of diluting my message, “you must drop the personal self,” but now I see that dropping the personal self is only the first step toward full Realization. (more…)

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL–I held a “test” satsang (talk) with friends on Saturday, and, as with most feedback from my fellow Floridians, I got mixed reviews. From my perspective, some aspects flowed nicely while others felt forced and clunky.

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DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post. I know that suicide is a very touchy topic, and I know my outlook on it is almost the polar opposite of society’s. I do want to stress to any readers who are depressed that suicide should NOT be considered an option. Take it from someone who has spent decades contemplating self-control…No one has control of their emotions. We can control how we ACT on them (and even that is debatable), but we definitely cannot control how we FEEL. If you are depressed, recognize that you are helpless to control the feeling (as anyone is with any emotion) and get some help–there are a wide variety of options for the treatment of depression these days.

But here are some things I learned from long and serious contemplations of suicide when it comes to quality-of-life (which was my deciding factor). (more…)

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--Blogs–personal blogs–are raw. They are not like writing autobiographies with outlines, editors, and well considered chapters. Personal blogs are like a photo album of an individual’s life, taken a day at a time, laid out in sequence for all the world to see. Moreover, the really interesting blogs are like intimate diaries.

Marc Gilson of Mind Chatter Magazine, in reviewing Fading Toward Enlightenment, wrote that “Wayne recounts each step of his journey with unflinching frankness,” and “few match the openness and honesty Wayne shares with the reader.”

In this blog, I’ve tried to maintain the same level of intimacy as I did in FTE: to confess my doubts, confusions, and hesitations right alongside the beauty, joys, and insights. Unlike many, I don’t just show my “spiritual teacher” face, or a side of me that makes me look good. With the only exception being where the privacy of others is involved–I lay it all out there, the Good, the Bad, and the Boring. (more…)

PALM BAY, FL–After you wake up, eventually you will have to deal with your family. Unlike modern enlightenment fairy tales which say life will be all bliss and harmony, you will have to deal with your family members who, understandably, will be trying to figure you out, understand just what the hell happened to you, and quite possibly, determine where they went wrong in your upbringing.

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LAKE CATHERINE STATE PARK, AR–I wonder if everyone who wakes up to their enlightenment has to tangle with trials in the form of temptations? Buddha had the temptations of Mara, Christ had to deal with offers from the Devil, and it seems that, in literature, every hero’s journey is fraught with trials on the return home.

Over the last few weeks I have had to deal with the lure of sex on the West Coast, the promise of wealth and stability while camped in the desert and, in the last few days, the call of freedom while here in the forests of Arkansas.

Each temptation has pulled at my mind and emotions, drawing me away. Tempting me away from what some deeper wisdom seems to know is my purpose: To share what I know of enlightenment.

Each temptation came from a friend. Each friend wanted something of me, and in each instance, I was tempted–and I wavered. Ultimately though, I turned away from the temptation, explained my reasons in detailed honesty, and continued on.

In each case my mind said, “What they offer is a great idea,” whether it was no-stings-attached sex, financial stability, or the sale of my RV (to purchase a smaller, go-anywhere rig). Each time a part of me yelled, “Do it!” But each temptation felt dark. My friends, the people offering these deals, didn’t feel dark, but what they offered did. Each offer, if accepted, would pull me away from what I was “meant” to do. Each offer would have “led me astray” by adding more complications, more work, and more energy diverted.

So in each situation, I had to close a door on a friend. Not on my friendship with them, just on their offer.

But here’s the wonderful thing about closing doors: When faced with a closed door, as you turn around, you’ll find that the entire world stands before you with open arms, beckoning.

I know in the first two cases, one friend turned that re-directed energy into finishing the writing of her stalled books. Another re-directed his energy into learning to code and maintain the software we had worked on. Everyone lost, but everyone gained. Such is the nature of Life–no matter how difficult it at first seems, Life always has a way of finding its balance.

With my third friend, it is too early to tell, but hopefully she will turn and find that the entire world awaits her also.

OUTSIDE AMARILLO, TX – As I mentioned previously, making decisions has been quite disconcerting since waking up. My values are all out-of-whack from when they were based on an ego. Without an ego, what do you base your decisions on? It’s starting to get easier though. Now it is almost as if, when faced with a decision, the options have a sense of “lightness” to them (or lack thereof).

Options feel “dark” or “light” or various shades in between. Not dark as in evil, but dark as in an unlit road in the night. Even though the mind may say one thing, if it feels “dark,” then that option isn’t a path I should take.

This takes a lot of faith–faith in the wisdom whispered from the Oneness. The mind will often argue up and down to turn left–when the path on the right, though uncertain, is brightly lit and beckoning.