I Don’t Know Where The River Flows

The Fallen Leaf

The Fallen Leaf

BOGUE CHITTO STATE PARK, LA—I sat on a railing, on a boardwalk, overlooking a pond and watched leaves fall from the trees into the water. The wind, striking them, scoots them about like tiny sailboats—guiding them along their destiny.

I have been contemplating and practicing the words I read a few days ago, written by the 13th century mystic Meister Eckhart:

When we go out of ourselves through obedience and strip ourselves of what is ours, then God must enter into us; for when someone wills nothing for themselves, then God must will on their behalf just as he does for himself.

I don’t know where it’s all leading, I don’t know where the currents are taking me. I am a man of faith, but it’s difficult to relinquish all control.

I don’t know where the River flows… but then, neither does the snowy white pelican.

The Answer To Questions Unknown

The Forgotten

The Forgotten

ROCKY SPRINGS CG, MS—Somewhere in the woods, the crows caw to each other, speaking in a language that only they understand. High in the trees, the squirrels scamper on thin and fragile branches, risking their lives to gather nuts not yet fallen. The sky is clear and the air is cold and Winter is coming.

Yesterday, after writing the last post, I closed my laptop and headed southwest along the Natchez Trace and found myself at a small free campground.

There is no internet signal here. No way to know how the last post affected the audience. No way to be influenced by commenters or any response by Adyashanti to my query—a question, which when clarified, could be stated as: What is the proper way to integrate Emptiness into the World?

This morning, I awoke to the vision of a Pendulum—and an answer.

After finishing this post, I’ll drive to a spot where there is an internet signal and uploaded it. This blog is about transparency—about truth as I live it unvarnished—so before I read any emails or comments that may affect my current thoughts, I’ll present what I have concluded, just as I experienced it, and just as it was written.

For the last few years I have been using Emptiness to “ground” myself—to enter it, to find stillness and openness and peace. But in there, with no boundaries and no self, I could find no motivation, no meaning, no landmarks. Nothing to help me function in the world, so I would contract back to the Radiance level, to a point I could operate from.

But that isn’t integration, it’s navigation—navigating the levels of Self—of God—to operate from a point that made sense.

And it worked for me for the last few years.

But lately it has been gnawing at me. It was the question, not yet formed, that was at the core of this mysterious post.

This morning I awoke to the vision of a Pendulum and in a split-second I had an insight—an understanding.

Imagine a pendulum where the top of the string represents Emptiness and the weight at the bottom is the physical body. The proper way to integrate (the answer) is to reside in Emptiness (the highest point), and to bring Radiance up the string, for Radiance is the Life Force, and to bring the Soul up the string, for Soul provides purpose, and finally to bring the Mortal up the string, for the Mortal provides drive.

But down at the bottom of the string—the weight of the Pendulum—lies the physical body, the vehicle used to function in the world.

Back in late 2009, when I first woke up, I tried to function from the highest level, the top of the string, but I was still “driving around” like I use to function in my previous life… abruptly charging about here and there and trying to get my way and to accomplish goals.

Now image the weight at the bottom of the Pendulum—my physical, incarnate life—and the effect on the weight when the string above is moved about so abruptly and erratically.

That flinging about created all the trials and tribulations that I experienced in 2010.

When God sneezes, hurricanes blow.

So I learned to adapt, to listen to Her whispers—the movement that arises in Emptiness and is heard in Radiance—but, because I didn’t recognize the truth of the Pendulum, I simply retreated down the string (from Emptiness to Radiance) in order to minimize the effects of the movement on the weight of my incarnate life. To minimize the swinging of the Pendulum.

This was the easiest way to adapt to Emptiness—and as I said, it worked for me up until now—but it was backwards.

In that split second vision of the Pendulum, this is what I saw: When God coughs, the Earth shakes.

At the top, there must be a harmony with all the levels.

I believe my practice is this:

Live from Emptiness and bring all the lower levels up into it. Bring harmony to them by letting the Emptiness and the Light suffuse them. To live with compassion for the incarnates selves that swing about as a direct result of the actions from above.

When God smiles, the Sun shines.

I have to learn to be gentle.

An Experiment And A Possible Mistake

The Empty Await

The Empty Await

CLINTON, MS—I signed up with a course with Adyashanti called “Experiencing No-Self” which is about adapting to life after awakening.

Last night was the first video and, as with most teachers, he uses a different terminology for similar terms: His Transcendence is my Radiance, his No-Self is my Emptiness, his Infinite is my Her.

While last night’s video was mostly a clarification of his terms, one of the things that “twerked” me during the video was maybe I’ve been integrating Emptiness and Radiance backwards.

I’ve often said that in Emptiness, there is no reason to do anything—there is no motivation—since in Emptiness (no boundaries, no “you”), everything, being one, feels the same. Nothing needs to be done.

So in order to operate in the world, I have always “dropped back” into Radiance, and used the portal like a car to drive about in the world. This allows the She/We/I to function in everyday life. (Note: Before Emptiness, the portal is “you,” after Emptiness, the portal is just a mental contraction.)


The “twerk” I felt was maybe what I should do (at least it’s something I’m going to experiment with) is from within Emptiness bring Radiance—less the portal—into the Emptiness. From a very theoretical point, this would translate into letting the Light/God/Her be the motivation. To let Her run everything. No Wayne-thing (portal/ego-tool), just pure Intuition/Whispers/Surrender.

I mean really, why not?

I’ve only been playing with it for a few hours, but it feels a lot like what I used to call (back in 2009) the Enlightenment of Oneness but with a much stronger Divine component inspiring action/direction.

Rather than, “doing what She says” (as has been my current form of integration), it feels more like, “riding the winds.”

My mind says, “Don’t post this yet,” (I had written Adyashanti a question about the flip/flopping), “wait to see what he says first,” but screw it, that’s just mental fear.

If anything, I expect this experiment will reveal any residual ego-knots—knots which could probably use a good massage.

The Forest Finally

Forest Stream

Forest Stream

THE PISGAH FOREST, NC—Wake, Work, Drive, Work, Chill, Sleep. Repeat.

I obviously haven’t gotten the hang of this lifestyle yet, but a couple key stressors to this new-found freedom are easing—the answers to the questions “Where will I sleep?” and “Where will I go next?”

The sleep I’ve already talked about (the mental “Red Line” has really helped) but the question, “Where will I go next?” is a surprisingly persistent one.

“What’s the plan?” the mind shouts—which is a perfect example of just how much the brain wants to control things. It wants to control things even when there’s no need for it.

A lot of people believe that when you wake up, when you step through the gateless gate, your brain is completely rewired and you get a new mental operating system. This isn’t the case. You simply realize (Realization) that “you” along with most of your world, is made up almost completely of thoughts.

The thoughts continue, but they become softer and more distant (they are your mind’s thoughts, not your thoughts) and you don’t take them so seriously. But Conditioning is a persistent bastard and the mind is still going to follow its old habits and try to control everything.

As I finished up work for the day—writing code in a little bookstore cafe in Waynesville, NC—I asked myself, “Where will I go next?” and my mind started in with the should I stay here another day, should I head to Asheville, or maybe explore the Blue Ridge Parkway some more or make a dash for Boone or maybe even Vermont and on and on and on, and while my damn mind was asking all these questions my eyes fell on the map of the Waynesville area and I saw a lake—Lake Logan—that appeared to be in the national forest, so I said screw it and went there.

Like a lot of land on the eastern seaboard, while the maps make it look like there’s a lot of virgin forest out here, the reality is that it’s infested with people. While Lake Logan looked (according to Google Maps and Rand McNally) like it was in the middle of the Pisgah National Forest, it was surrounded with “No Trespassing” signs put up by, of all things, a church organization. “Go away, we’re the good and loving and kind people of God and we don’t want your type around here (and don’t even think about parking next to our lake).”


Luckily though, a little past the lake I spied a “National Forest” sign and a little past that I found a forest road and a little down that a pleasant (even unoccupied!) camping spot right next to a mountain stream.

I pulled in and set up my chair and sat for a few hours doing absolutely nothing.

As I write this, though people drive by about every thirty minutes, I still don’t have any neighbors—I’ve got the place all to myself with just falling leaves and a babbling brook to keep me company.

Sadly, there’s no Internet signal here either, so—because my current work load is high—I’ll probably be here for just the night. Still, it’s a nice change. It’s been almost five months since I’ve had any solitude like this.

And that’s about four too many.

No Self Means No Self Motivation

Stained Glass and Window Shutter

MISSOULA, MT—Self motivation drives practically everyone. But what happens when you have no self? What motivates you when you’ve seen through the illusion of “you?”

If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I struggle with this issue—how difficult I find it to make personal, self-centered decisions—and this issue has become very apparent over these last couple of months as I find myself on the road with nothing to “do” and nowhere to do it.

More below the break (huh?).

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How I Ended Up In Spokane

Oh No!

MISSOULA, MT—My mind has been going back and forth on the whole RV vs Fixed Quarters issue. Yesterday (Thursday) as I left Ferndale, I said to myself, “Well, let me just go check out Portland one more time.”

As I drove south, I had that distinct nauseous sensation that I often feel when my life is about to go to hell. But my mind said “Portland! You love Portland! Just get it out of your system. Make sure you really want the RV life.”

As I continued southward, I passed a highway sign which said, “Spokane” but it didn’t say it in my normal internal voice, it whispered it, and when She whispered, She whispered in a very sensual voice, “Spokaaaaaaane..”

I listened, turned and headed back eastward.

By heading back inland, where the weather changes from season to season and thus not on my list of places to live, that whisper kind of pushed me in the direction of the RV (since I wouldn’t want to live in Spokane or anyplace which gets a lot of snow).

I think I’ve decided—and I reserve the right to change my mind later—to head down to Arizona or New Mexico where I know the boondocking is easy and there are a lot of used RVs for sale.

I have to admit though, I’m still wrestling with this. Bad mind! Baaaadddd.

To A. Lilly…

I received a number of comments today from a new reader, A. Lilly, and I tried to send him/her an email but the mail didn’t go through. As I was sending it, I realized others may appreciate the email so—and maybe that’s why it didn’t go through (She can be sneaky that way)—I felt I should post it here on the blog.  The contents below the break…

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Dark Nights of Anger

Screen Door after the Rain

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK—About a month ago, while I was staying at my parents, I experienced two powerful dark nights of anger.

Two nights—separated by about a week—where dark repressed anger from my old solid self overwhelmed me. Lying in bed alone in the dark, I was helpless to control these emotions.

In the sense that these deep repressed emotions poured out of my unconsciousness, these nights were similar to my Dark Night of the Soul (though much milder). Old anger poured outward, and a separate clear, loving “me” accepted it.

The funny thing is, not for one nanosecond was I angry at anything real—none of the anger was based on Reality. Only the past. Only non-existant pieces of mental fluff. I was mad at a bunch of Hortons.

Even though I knew I was mad at nothing, it didn’t make my suffering any easier.

On the flip side, I felt completely clear afterwards and I continue to, to this day. After each “purification,” I felt as if some dark and heavy weight—a weight that I didn’t know I even carried—had fallen away.

It’s all part of the process. The letting go. The surrendering.

Resistance is Futile

Self Portrait on the Toilet

PALM BAY, FL–I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve fully integrated this enlightenment thing yet. I’m still tumbling down the mountain, but I feel it coming to an end, so I guess it could be more accurate to say I’m sliding on my butt down the wet grass of the foothills, occasionally hitting a pile of sharp, hidden rocks which remind me I’m still not fully yielding to Her will and intentions.

One of the lessons I’ve learned recently is that, as the Borg liked to say, Resistance is futile.

More below the break (huh?).

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More of the Same

Fall in the Rockies

DURANGO, CO–I specifically rented a car–rather than buying one–for the reliability. I said to myself, “I’m done with all this drama.” So when the car broke down this afternoon (Wednesday) 40 miles north of Durango on a lone mountain pass (out of cell phone range of course), I just had to smile.

I didn’t experience an ounce of fear or trepidation. I knew She was messing with me for a reason and within seconds–seriously, seconds–of opening the hood of the car, a wonderful woman stops and asks if I’m having trouble. Her cell phone worked and she called Hertz for me. The woman, Louise, was into meditation and Buddhism, so I gave her a copy of Fading Toward Enlightenment out of gratitude.

After I got down from the mountain–an hour and a half later–I called Louise back (she had checked in repeatedly with Hertz to make sure I got down from the mountain safely), and it turns out that she is in the middle of a dietary cleansing, a six month spiritual intensive, and is writing a book, so, she said, meeting me and reading my book was very synchronistic for her.

It’s all practice. More and more, as things go “wrong,” I find myself smiling and just waiting for Her to get me out the the mess that I find myself in. Maybe She’s just screwing with me so that I learn to have absolute faith in Her/The Universe. Maybe She’s reconditioning my mind and emotions to “let Her drive.” Maybe I was “called” to Durango (see my last post) because something in FTE or our conversation will help Louise on her own spiritual journey.

Regardless of the reasons, with all these “Job-like” events in my life lately (Randy’s words), how could anyone doubt that there is something much “bigger” running things? Seriously, if you’ve followed my blog for the last few months, how could anyone doubt that there is a much greater intelligence operating in our lives? (See posts under Synchronicity and Adapting To ).

The less there is of you, the more there is of Her.