DEERFIELD BEACH, FL–As I wander about South Florida, I often imagine that I’ve stumbled into the middle of a giant, adult Easter Egg Hunt. All around me people scramble about, covered in fine jewelry, fancy watches, and expensive cars, their hair coated in gel or hairspray, their eyes roving while their minds plot and plan and fantasize. Each desperately searching, hunting, and futilely seeking happiness in external stuff.

Many want more.

I often want less.

This is what it feels like:

During sleep, I’m aware of the Emptiness, the Nothingness. I am this big, open space staring off into big, open space.

Then I start dreaming and I’m aware of the dream and I’m aware that I’m watching the dream. Sometimes I can consciously interact with the dream, but mostly I just watch.

Then I slide into that “in between waking and dreaming” state and I’m aware of that, but now I feel a bit more solid, as if I’m gelling–coalescing out of the LIght.

Then I awake, and I alternate between the Light (ethereal) and problem solving (solid ‘ol me). General thinking doesn’t coalesce me too much. Fantasizing doesn’t either–but problem solving seems to rapidly solidify “me.” I guess that’s because there really aren’t any problems. Conditioning is just causing the thought, “I need to solve this,” and some part of me takes it too seriously.

When I catch myself feeling solid, it’s very easy–much easier than it was even last month–to dissolve back into the Light, but I have to catch myself feeling solid first.

My point:

All of us merge with the Light every night. Many aren’t aware of it, but it happens to each of us every evening. The Light is Awareness, the Life Force, the Divine Within, the Beloved. The Light is God living through your body–seeing out your eyes, experiencing Life through your awareness.

And every night you merge with Her, spend some time as Her, and then coalesce back out when the morning comes.

It’s really pretty cool when you think about it.

(On a side note, people I know “solidify” me too. Strangers…not so much. When strangers make eye contact, it’s apparent they sense something odd is going on between us. They feel attracted yet at the same time…disoriented, confused, vulnerable. It’s actually kind of fun to watch.)

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL–I have found that there are two qualities that underlie all awareness when the personal self drops–qualities that are powerfully felt when I’m not under the influence of decades-long conditioning: Emptiness and Gentleness.

Emptiness (vastness/openness) is the mental quality of awareness. In a strange, wonderful intermixed sort of way, everything seems to arise (comes into existence) inside of me, is a part of me, and yet is (all at the same time) still separate from me. I use the word “emptiness” because of the strong feeling of it happening inside of me (“me” being the feeling of this vast, living, emptiness). The inside/part of/separate paradox isn’t really a paradox though–it’s just like when you think of an easter bunny: the image is inside you, part of you, and yet separate from you.

Gentleness is the energetic quality. It underlies everything. Conditioned “Wayne” has a lot of Yang (“can-do,” assertive, forceful) energy, but under that conditioning, is this simple, gentleness that feels so much like the “true” me. I’ve often heard other’s call it “love,” but that seems too vague, too idealistic. “Gentleness” feels more alive, more flowing, more natural.

Emptiness is mental and very difficult to experience for most. The noisy personal self is the main barrier to experiencing it.

Gentleness on the other hand is very easy. Just practice being gentle.

Then, as a tool, notice that when you are not being gentle, that you are either under the influence of the personal self or prior conditioning. The simple act of seeing them makes it much easier for them to drop away.

CORAL SPRINGS, FL–The bay, reacting to the wind’s caress, shivers, sending ripples across the water to the shore as the clouds, still and dark moments ago, stretch and glow as a new day breathes life into the world.

PALM BAY, FL–I don’t know why I had such a hard time getting this meditation out–either I’d screw up the sound quality or I’d over explain the instructions–but I finally got it right. This is the meditation that I used to stabilize my “enlightenment consciousness” during those precarious three weeks of my awakening. I first mentioned it the September 21st entry, Waking Yourself Up. Part IV: The Practice.

You can download the meditation here.

SILVER RIVER STATE PARK, OUTSIDE OCALA, FL–I’ve made and uploaded a new video today. Shot from inside a canoe as I drifted down the Silver River outside Ocala, FL. Another example of the one-take-push-record-talk-push-stop technique complete with all the expected unexpected interruptions of real life. Sadly, I didn’t capsize or knock the camera into the water as that would have sent the video soaring up the YouTube viewer ratings. Oh well, maybe next time.

Enjoy and have a wonderful Holiday!

SILVER RIVER STATE PARK, OUTSIDE OCALA, FL–Before I woke up, one of the things that I thought I understood was the sense of Oneness. To the mind, when you drop all boundaries, you become one with everything. The logic goes something like this:

• Boundaries only exist in the mind.
• Thus all boundaries are artificial.
• Without boundaries, everything is one.
• Thus you are one with everything.
• Thus you are everything.

To the students of non-dualism (buddhism, taoism, zen, yoga, et all), this makes perfect sense. There really is no table–the mind just categorizes some “awareness stuff” as “table” and some other awareness stuff as “not table.”

Oneness therefore makes perfect sense to the student and the thought of separation is considered as just an illusion.

This is all fine and dandy until the student puts his non-existent coffee cup too close to the non-existent table edge and the non-existent scalding coffee burns his non-existent groin off. And of course the searing pain he feels as he jumps up and down is all just non-existent pain too.

Once I woke up though, I started to feel what is meant by Oneness, and the feel is nothing like what they babble on and on about in the non-dual schools and forums.

After waking up, boundaries still exist–objects still have boundaries–but oddly, I seem to have lost all my boundaries. For instance, when I look at my hands, they seem to exist inside of me.

From the level of the Enlightenment of Oneness, your body seems to exist inside of you. In fact, everything feels like it exists inside you. Everything feels like it is you. And, because everything feels like it is you, it’s almost as if you don’t exist at all.

So forget thinking about what Oneness is–here’s how Oneness feels…

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HENDERSON BEACH STATE PARK, DESTIN, FL–The clouds, filling the sky, thankfully block the direct rays of sunlight–for the sand is so white that the light’s reflection would surely blind.

An emerald green sea gently rolls in, its rhythm like a beating heart that the tiny sandpipers sense as they dodge in and out–just above the gentle surf–searching for tell-tale signs of hidden crustaceans.

The sand crunches underfoot and a sudden quiver of appreciation runs up my spine as the seagulls float silently upon the air–separate, yet one with the wind.

LINCOLN PARISH PARK, RUSTON, LA–The store is full of shoppers–anxiety and desperation etching their features as they push their way through the crowded aisles while the sound of sweet Christmas carols waft from the overhead speakers.

Back at camp, the squirrels, fluffy and fat, spend their time burying nuts for the winter as the cry of a lone crow drifts across the still lake.

LAKE CATHERINE STATE PARK, AR–A big change in the way I now experience life–versus before I woke up–is how I feel about my past. Memories no longer feel personal. This is due to dropping the Ego Story–the story which consists mostly of past, personal memories.

I still have personal memories, and I still consider them my personal story, it is just that I no longer consider myself to be that story. That is a huge difference–and is a key to waking up.

A bully humiliating me. Catching a girlfriend cheating on me. The feeling of failure when I decided to declare bankruptcy. Each of these memories has the same feeling–has the same emotional impact–as thinking of a kangaroo. A kangaroo. No negative emotional impact whatsoever. None.

On the other hand, good memories–my first kiss, gatherings with my family, hanging out with friends–all are infused with love. Ironically, it is not a personal feeling of love, not a self-centered love, but what you could call, pure, radiant love. Not a pulling, grasping, needy, fearful, wanting love–just a warm outward flowing love, like the warmth felt from a fire on a cold night. In fact, almost all my memories are infused with that love–even the memory of loading the washing machine a few minutes ago.

Indeed, I can look at that bully, I can look at that cheating girlfriend, I can look at that Wayne Wirs who felt he failed–all with love. Past their story, past their actions, is their pure, life force. There is a love within each and every person struggling to radiate out. Struggling to be heard and felt and recognized. If you look closely, you can “see” it–see this Light and Love within everyone and everything.

Behind all our stories, we are the same. Light is Light is Light. It is the personal story–a simple mental concept gone awry–that bends the Light. The personal story bends and blocks and filters the Light towards good actions, bad actions, or–and usually–actions somewhere in between.

LAKE CATHERINE STATE PARK, AR–From most of the trees, the leaves have fallen away–their purpose finished, their husks discarded. The low, harsh sun of yesterday has crawled behind the subdued clouds and a soft, diffused light rests upon the fields and country roads. There is a sense of stillness here, mixed with a long awaited anticipation as if the earth, like a frail grandmother, was preparing to blow out the sputtering candles on an ancient birthday cake.

I am still camped north of Phoenix. I had to clean up some messes I had made from my Wayne Wirs days (pre-enlightenment). I also wanted to finish up a much shorter and simpler version of my original “waking up” meditation before hitting the road.

I plan to use The Three Enlightenments Guided Meditation at my talks. I’ll probably play the recording at the beginning of the class to set the mood and introduce the audience to a few of my core concepts (ego, the Divine Within, thoughts, the Three Enlightenments, etc.)

A couple core “strategies” of my teachings–designed to help loosen the grip of the ego–are also covered in the meditation:

• Shifting your identity to the Divine Within. Ego-Wayne thought of himself as a Soul, but in the meditation I refer to the Divine Within as Love (emotional), Light (visual), or the Life Force (felt). These are concepts much more accessible to the general population.
• Experiencing what it feels like to be enlightened. The more often that you see and feel the wonders of your enlightened nature, the easier it will be for you to see what blocks you from living this way: the ego, Wayne Wirs, state-your-name, whatever.

The meditation helps you experience both of these aspects of enlightenment. In doing so, it will, hopefully and eventually, allow you to drop your ego story for good.

You can download the meditation here.

In my last post, I mentioned how “quiet” motivation now is. Yesterday, while sitting in Stillness, a direction–my next steps–became clear.

The desire to “make things happen” rarely appears anymore and, when it does, I feel clunky and disingenuous. Sometimes though, as I rest in Stillness, Life will softly whisper–like a lover murmuring a sweet secret–and my path will become crystal clear.

This whisper–this revelation–stimulates the Passion. A powerful welling of energy rises in my chest and I feel excited and alert and in harmony with my surroundings as Life starts to awaken and stir and live through me.

Wayne Wirs would have tried to control and bend and manipulate this power (as have countless spiritual seekers before him). But to control it is to kill it, for Life cannot flow through an ego.

If you want Life to live through you, you must surrender to it. You must stop swimming, stop struggling, stop trying. You must give up and allow yourself to drown in it. Give up and give in. It is by surrendering, by complete supplication to Life, that you will find joy, and bliss, and harmony as Life lives as Life was meant to live… unhindered.

Appreciation. By far the most common experience that I feel.

Sometimes my eyes fill with tears just looking at the discarded. How is it that we miss the beauty…?

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Do enlightened people feel emotions? If so, how are the emotions different than those experienced by story-people? (New term: “Story-People.” Kind of derogatory, but I want you to start thinking of your ego/story in negative terms as this will help you see, feel and ultimately reject the ego/story. It’s accurate too, as the illusionary ego/story turns you into a fictional character–but I digress.) ***Edited 11/6/2009: See my comment below.

Story-Wayne used to think that enlightened people never (or barely) experienced emotions–surely never any negative emotions. This idea was based solely on how enlightened teachers presented themselves to their audience.

My experiences however, are completely different…

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Oneness. A daffodil is seen, but there is only Living. A bird sings but there is only Singing. Though the mind says, “I am walking through the forest,” there is only Walking.

There are no trees in the forest, just Growing. There is no breeze, just Breeze-ing.

There is Breathing, Shining, Clouding, Chirping.

Seeing is as intimate as Touching–Hearing as intimate as Tasting.

All borders and boundaries drop away. There is only Oneness. You are gone, dropped away into the Oneness. The trees, the sky, the clouds, the rivers, turtles, frogs, and deer all drop away into the Oneness.

There is Seeing, but there are no things seen. There is Thinking, but no thoughts grasped. There is the Feel of sand between your toes, but no sand and no toes and no you.

Though the mind says, “Sparrow,” there is only Living.

Stillness. Thoughts drop away. Movement ceases. Time no longer has meaning.

The eye rests on a flower–the colors, the textures, the subtle shape and softness. A raven caws in the distance and the sound, like music, rises then drops away into nothingness. A breath is drawn, held momentarily, and a faint lightness is felt as Life celebrates another moment in the body.

Stillness. This is the Eternal Now. The past is seen as a collection of ancient and dusty thoughts. The future as fantasies and imagination. In this moment, there can be no ego, not personal story. In the Moment, there is only Reality.

Stillness is a release. It is a letting go. It is surrender.

In Stillness there is no trying, no manipulating, no doing.

In Stillness, there is only being, only total acceptance.

—

Tomorrow: The Enlightenment of Oneness.

Passion. A flower, turning gradually, follows the sun as it arcs across the sky. Two kittens, one crouching down while the other rears on hind legs in a playful attack. A lone sparrow, high in a deep forest pine, sings joyfully. A young woman, taking the arm of her companion, nuzzles close in the cool evening air.

Passion. Life living. For a lack of better words: Love and Light flowing through. All creatures experience it. All creatures are alive because of it. It is the Tao within everything. It is Spirit. It is the Divine Essence. It is the Beloved.

Passionate Enlightenment feels like Light and Love flowing through you. It feels as if you are nothing but an outline, a thin portal for the Divine to enter the world.

This is the love that Christ taught. This is the compassion of the Dalai Lama. This is the non-violence of Gandhi.

Passion is Moving. It is Flowing. It is Beauty and Appreciation and Radiance. It is Life living through Life.

—

Tomorrow: The Enlightenment of Stillness.

Waiting. Not sure for what. Direction? Without an ego and all its desires, I feel a bit lost. Not sad, just… adrift. Waiting on a wind to guide me.

The sky, returning to its Pacific Northwest ways, has become grey, cloudy and pleasantly overcast – making photography both easy and pleasurable. Light and shadows, softer now, gently bring out colors and textures – smoothing boundaries and enhancing the beauty of everyday things. Wandering aimlessly among the streets and cafes and parks of downtown Eugene (Oregon), a hidden piece of wisdom surfaces that unconsciously was known for years: that a photographer’s eye forces the mind back into the Present moment. Self consciousness can’t exist simultaneously with awareness focused on Reality – with appreciation of simple beauty found in plants and walls and trees and windows and stairs.

Still, self-consciousness, though much weaker than just a month ago, remains. Walking among people again, most seem to sense something a little out-of-place. There are curious, slightly confused stares and involuntary double takes – each often followed by a warm smile or nod. Each gesture, when I catch a glimpse of them, awakens an old, irrational conditioned “tug” of self-consciousness – a tiny, infant-sized fist clenching gently in my stomach.

It’s not important though, not something to be avoided or fought with. It’s just a subtle reminder that the change I’m experiencing is gradual, that – unlike “sudden enlightenment” (where I suspect the ego is repressed) – the old mental conditioning of self-consciousness, is fading. Each small, gentle tug reminds me of who I really am – who all these curious people are: Light within Light; Awareness looking at Awareness; Wandering waves, thinking that they are separate, gliding across the deep still waters of a Divine Sea.