NEWPORT NEWS, VA--My energies have been really scattered lately. Selling the RV, figuring out what to keep and what to let go of, searching for a stealthy replacement "RV," working on the consulting project....

Yesterday I spent 12 hours on the road looking at used shuttle buses. When my mind came up with the idea, "A shuttle bus! That would make a great stealth vehicle!" it was all excited. As soon as I looked at my first one, my stomach sank. It just didn't feel right for some reason. Maybe it's the concept. Maybe it's just timing. Maybe it's fear smacking me in the face. I don't know, but I walked away from each of them. I haven't always been this way, but I trust my gut now more than my head.

Anyway, my mind lately has been racing and questioning and fretting. It's like a beehive in there, all this buzzing as the mind tries to solve all of these "problems."

But, unlike last year, I now reside behind all the activity. Last year at this time, I was the buzzing. Now the buzzing is just noise and tension that happens inside of me.

I don't want this to sound like I'm anything special though, it's just that I've come to realize (and feel) this truth. This "everything-happens-inside-of-you" aspect, is happening within you also. All it takes is just a slight shift in your identity (what you think you are). You are not the noise buzzing in the empty room, you are the empty room.

WAYNESBORO, VA--I talk a lot about "Her," this one, all inclusive Life Force that suffuses everything. Ironically, I don't consider myself religious in the least. This "She" (to me) IS NOT an unseeable, unknowable, entity, something you have to have faith in. Nor is She this lifeless point in space in a "vast sea of pure awareness" that the dry and dusty nondual teachers parrot each other about... (More below the break).

Warrior's Path S.P., Kingsport, TN--I received an email the other day from a reader who had recently had a satori experience and was asking for advice on what she should do now.

Since satori experiences are indicators that the Personal Self is weakening, I offered the following "empty room" practice.

More below the break...

Warrior's Path S.P., Kingsport, TN--From the Tao Te Ching, Chapter 42, last paragraph:

What others teach, I also teach; that is:
"A violent man will die a violent death!"
This will be the essence of my teaching.

My thoughts on this below the break...

CHEWACLA STATE PARK, AUBURN, AL --If you look closely at any living thing--a tree, a bird, a pet, even at yourself--you will notice that at its core, at its very center, is a deep peace. When all activity is dropped, at our center--at the center of all living things--is the true nature of Life itself: a deep sense of peace and serenity.

Enlightenment is simply recognizing that this peace within is not something to be gained, not something found inside of you, but is who you really are. You aren't a person who has peace somewhere within them, you are the peace within--covered by a person.

Peace within is your nature. It is the nature of Life itself.

You could say that this Peace Within is the Life Force, Pure Awareness, Tao. You could even call it God. This Peace Within--shared by all living things--is who you really are.

CHEWACLA STATE PARK, AUBURN, AL --One day I hope to write a follow up to Fading Toward Enlightenment and I plan to use this blog as reference for my notes. In line with that, here's a little bit of what it's like--so far--to be me.

For months after waking up, there was the feeling of three distinct states of enlightened consciousness: the Passion, the Stillness, and the Oneness. Though I would often "fall out" of these states into "Wayne Wirs" thinking, I would always--naturally--return to one of them.

Gradually--particularly over the last few months--those three states have kind of softened into a Oneness and a Wayneness.

More below the break...

WHITE OAK CREEK CAMPGROUND (COE), EUFAULA, AL--On the birthdays of my past, I would always call in sick to work, never answer the phone, and take the day to think about my life. All years prior, I would contemplate where I had been, where I was heading, and strategize a way to get there.

Today, as the rains poured down outside, flooded my camp and rolled off into the lake, I felt my thoughts flowing in much the same way as the water flowed. Not trying to control. Not trying to solve. Not trying to fix. Just watching where my thoughts were drawn. Listening to Her whispering in my ear.

It is so freeing to let go. To allow Life to guide you rather than trying to control it. To allow Her to carry you where She wishes.

Our minds fight this lack of control--but oddly enough--when you do let go, when you surrender completely to Her, She'll take you right to where you are meant to be--right to where you belong.

COE EAST BANK CAMPGROUND, CHATTAHOOCHEE, FL--When the personal self drops--and after things settle down--one of the things you'll notice is that thoughts and emotions take on an impersonal feel. They feel almost like the way sounds "feel." You hear your thoughts, you hear your emotions, but they seem separate from, yet inside of you. In much the same way that the cawing of a crow "feels": separate from you, but at the same time, inside of you. You realize that you don't make your thoughts or control your emotions. You realize that they just happen.

In putting the new ECU (engine control unit) back into my RV this morning, I knew it would be a frustrating experience because taking the damn thing out--which I did two days ago--was extremely frustrating. It's like the engineers wanted to make it difficult to get out.

But this morning, I used the frustration as a form of "distancing" practice. Because I knew that my body and mind were going to get frustrated, I could watch it happen, and, before it got out of hand, could step back from it.

I broke the project down into small tasks: Work the ECU into its slot; Attach the mounting bracket; Put the mounting nuts on without dropping them into engine oblivion; Connect the wiring harness; ... Each task, because of the very limited room caused the mind and body to grow tense and frustrated. Minds and bodies have strong desires, and when those desires aren't met, they get really pissed off. It has nothing to do with how aware you are.

But by breaking down the big project into little tasks, the frustration level couldn't "get rolling." After each task, I'd feel and observe the frustration, I'd step back, walk around the campsite, and do my "videographer" mindfulness thing. Then I'd step back over to the rig and visualize the next step.

Within no time, I had the job done.

I got behind the wheel, crossed my fingers and started her up.

She's never sounded so good.

"Merry Earth Day and God bless us, everyone." - Tiny Tim

STEPHEN FOSTER...STATE PARK, WHITE SPRINGS, FL--It's funny how much the mind wants to control things. Why is control, why is knowing, why is being right so important to the mind?

Life is so much easier when you let go. When you stop trying to bend Her to fit into your plans.

As you let go and relax into Her--as you stop fighting what She's trying to show you--it's amazing how helpful She becomes.

It's amazing how beautiful She is--how beautiful She's always been.

Every photo I take, I take of Her.

LAKE LOUISA STATE PARK, CLERMONT, FL--As I walked through the woods, I came across a long forgotten orange grove. I plucked an orange from a tree and, sitting in the shade of an old spanish oak which grew near the bank of a quiet lake--I ate it.

The sweet juice, the solitude, the soft clouds, the oneness with Nature, all reminded me of one of my favorite Moody Blues songs, The Balance. Whenever I would hear that song, I'd think, and dream, and yearn, "That's how I'd like to live."

After he had journeyed,
And his feet were sore,
And he was tired,
He came upon an orange grove
And he rested
And he lay in the cool,
And while he rested, he took to himself an orange and tasted it,
And it was good.
And he felt the earth to his spine,
And he asked, and he saw the tree above him, and the stars,
And the veins in the leaf,
And the light, and the balance.
And he saw magnificent perfection,
Whereon he thought of himself in balance,
And he knew he was.

Just open your eyes,
And realize, the way it's always been.
Just open your mind
And you will find
The way it's always been.
Just open your heart
And that's a start.

And he thought of those he angered,
For he was not a violent man,
And he thought of those he hurt
For he was not a cruel man
And he thought of those he frightened
For he was not an evil man,
And he understood.
He understood himself.

Upon this he saw that when he was of anger or knew hurt or felt fear,
It was because he was not understanding,
And he learned, compassion.

And with his eye of compassion.
He saw his enemies like unto himself,
And he learned love.
Then, he was answered.

Just open your eyes,
And realize, the way it's always been.
Just open your mind
And you will find
The way it's always been.
Just open your heart
And that's a start.

LAKE LOUISA STATE PARK, CLERMONT, FL--From Wisdom For Alms :

Dear Wayne! First I want to thank you for creating this opportunity. I have followed your blog since you showed up on the AYP forum. Before I write my question I would like to ask you not to publish my e-mail (address) on your site if you publish the question. So...my question is about relationships. I have some doubts that the relationship I am in will work over time. How can I investigate this deeper so that my decision is not made in my head, my ego? The risk is, as I see it, that I only bring my issues with me in to the next relationship.....at the same time I feel it is not healthy to stay in a relationship that is not working. So....how can I know in my heart what the right decision will be? Do you have any input for me on this? Best regards M_

My answer below the break...

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--The other day, Sula took me to a wildlife viewing area.

She wanted to play with her new camera.

She said she enjoys hanging with me.

She said she likes the way I feel such a profound love for everything.

I'm so very different from the way I was.

I'm so much less than the man I knew.

So much less, and yet--at the same time--I feel almost infinitely vast.

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--If you just stop and look--you'll find beauty everywhere.

Just stop--and look.

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--I took the day off and went to the beach today. The parking meter was broken so I parked for free.

I found an open area near the water, and, as I was settling in, a few young college boys/men started to put down there towels a few yards away. I noticed they had a football.

I walked over, and--knowing this beach quite well--said to them, "The lifeguard over there won't let you toss the ball on this part of the beach, but if you head just over there, north of the pier, you can."

As I was turning to go, I turned back and said, "Besides, that's where the girls are."

Maybe, with this simple dialogue, one of these guys may meet a girl, get married and have a few kids. Who knows? I like to think so.

As I was leaving for the day, I stopped a random car looking for a parking spot, told him to follow me and gave him my free-parking meter spot.

Many people say that enlightenment means you become detached from the world.

That's simply not true.

Without a personal self, you are the world. Enlightenment means you become detached from results.

Enlightenment is not about losing your humanity--it is about losing your person-hood.

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--As I wander about South Florida, I often imagine that I've stumbled into the middle of a giant, adult Easter Egg Hunt. All around me people scramble about, covered in fine jewelry, fancy watches, and expensive cars, their hair coated in gel or hairspray, their eyes roving while their minds plot and plan and fantasize. Each desperately searching, hunting, and futilely seeking happiness in external stuff.

Many want more.

I often want less.

This is what it feels like:

During sleep, I'm aware of the Emptiness, the Nothingness. I am this big, open space staring off into big, open space.

Then I start dreaming and I'm aware of the dream and I'm aware that I'm watching the dream. Sometimes I can consciously interact with the dream, but mostly I just watch.

Then I slide into that "in between waking and dreaming" state and I'm aware of that, but now I feel a bit more solid, as if I'm gelling--coalescing out of the LIght.

Then I awake, and I alternate between the Light (ethereal) and problem solving (solid 'ol me). General thinking doesn't coalesce me too much. Fantasizing doesn't either--but problem solving seems to rapidly solidify "me." I guess that's because there really aren't any problems. Conditioning is just causing the thought, "I need to solve this," and some part of me takes it too seriously.

When I catch myself feeling solid, it's very easy--much easier than it was even last month--to dissolve back into the Light, but I have to catch myself feeling solid first.

My point:

All of us merge with the Light every night. Many aren't aware of it, but it happens to each of us every evening. The Light is Awareness, the Life Force, the Divine Within, the Beloved. The Light is God living through your body--seeing out your eyes, experiencing Life through your awareness.

And every night you merge with Her, spend some time as Her, and then coalesce back out when the morning comes.

It's really pretty cool when you think about it.

(On a side note, people I know "solidify" me too. Strangers...not so much. When strangers make eye contact, it's apparent they sense something odd is going on between us. They feel attracted yet at the same time...disoriented, confused, vulnerable. It's actually kind of fun to watch.)

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--I have found that there are two qualities that underlie all awareness when the personal self drops--qualities that are powerfully felt when I'm not under the influence of decades-long conditioning: Emptiness and Gentleness.

Emptiness (vastness/openness) is the mental quality of awareness. In a strange, wonderful intermixed sort of way, everything seems to arise (comes into existence) inside of me, is a part of me, and yet is (all at the same time) still separate from me. I use the word "emptiness" because of the strong feeling of it happening inside of me ("me" being the feeling of this vast, living, emptiness). The inside/part of/separate paradox isn't really a paradox though--it's just like when you think of an easter bunny: the image is inside you, part of you, and yet separate from you.

Gentleness is the energetic quality. It underlies everything. Conditioned "Wayne" has a lot of Yang ("can-do," assertive, forceful) energy, but under that conditioning, is this simple, gentleness that feels so much like the "true" me. I've often heard other's call it "love," but that seems too vague, too idealistic. "Gentleness" feels more alive, more flowing, more natural.

Emptiness is mental and very difficult to experience for most. The noisy personal self is the main barrier to experiencing it.

Gentleness on the other hand is very easy. Just practice being gentle.

Then, as a tool, notice that when you are not being gentle, that you are either under the influence of the personal self or prior conditioning. The simple act of seeing them makes it much easier for them to drop away.

CORAL SPRINGS, FL--The bay, reacting to the wind's caress, shivers, sending ripples across the water to the shore as the clouds, still and dark moments ago, stretch and glow as a new day breathes life into the world.

PALM BAY, FL--I don't know why I had such a hard time getting this meditation out--either I'd screw up the sound quality or I'd over explain the instructions--but I finally got it right. This is the meditation that I used to stabilize my "enlightenment consciousness" during those precarious three weeks of my awakening. I first mentioned it the September 21st entry, Waking Yourself Up. Part IV: The Practice.

You can download the meditation here.

SILVER RIVER STATE PARK, OUTSIDE OCALA, FL--I've made and uploaded a new video today. Shot from inside a canoe as I drifted down the Silver River outside Ocala, FL. Another example of the one-take-push-record-talk-push-stop technique complete with all the expected unexpected interruptions of real life. Sadly, I didn't capsize or knock the camera into the water as that would have sent the video soaring up the YouTube viewer ratings. Oh well, maybe next time.

Enjoy and have a wonderful Holiday!

SILVER RIVER STATE PARK, OUTSIDE OCALA, FL--Before I woke up, one of the things that I thought I understood was the sense of Oneness. To the mind, when you drop all boundaries, you become one with everything. The logic goes something like this:

• Boundaries only exist in the mind.
• Thus all boundaries are artificial.
• Without boundaries, everything is one.
• Thus you are one with everything.
• Thus you are everything.

To the students of non-dualism (buddhism, taoism, zen, yoga, et all), this makes perfect sense. There really is no table--the mind just categorizes some "awareness stuff" as "table" and some other awareness stuff as "not table."

Oneness therefore makes perfect sense to the student and the thought of separation is considered as just an illusion.

This is all fine and dandy until the student puts his non-existent coffee cup too close to the non-existent table edge and the non-existent scalding coffee burns his non-existent groin off. And of course the searing pain he feels as he jumps up and down is all just non-existent pain too.

Once I woke up though, I started to feel what is meant by Oneness, and the feel is nothing like what they babble on and on about in the non-dual schools and forums.

After waking up, boundaries still exist--objects still have boundaries--but oddly, I seem to have lost all my boundaries. For instance, when I look at my hands, they seem to exist inside of me.

From the level of the Enlightenment of Oneness, your body seems to exist inside of you. In fact, everything feels like it exists inside you. Everything feels like it is you. And, because everything feels like it is you, it's almost as if you don't exist at all.

So forget thinking about what Oneness is--here's how Oneness feels...

HENDERSON BEACH STATE PARK, DESTIN, FL--The clouds, filling the sky, thankfully block the direct rays of sunlight--for the sand is so white that the light's reflection would surely blind.

An emerald green sea gently rolls in, its rhythm like a beating heart that the tiny sandpipers sense as they dodge in and out--just above the gentle surf--searching for tell-tale signs of hidden crustaceans.

The sand crunches underfoot and a sudden quiver of appreciation runs up my spine as the seagulls float silently upon the air--separate, yet one with the wind.

LINCOLN PARISH PARK, RUSTON, LA--The store is full of shoppers--anxiety and desperation etching their features as they push their way through the crowded aisles while the sound of sweet Christmas carols waft from the overhead speakers.

Back at camp, the squirrels, fluffy and fat, spend their time burying nuts for the winter as the cry of a lone crow drifts across the still lake.

LAKE CATHERINE STATE PARK, AR--A big change in the way I now experience life--versus before I woke up--is how I feel about my past. Memories no longer feel personal. This is due to dropping the Ego Story--the story which consists mostly of past, personal memories.

I still have personal memories, and I still consider them my personal story, it is just that I no longer consider myself to be that story. That is a huge difference--and is a key to waking up.

A bully humiliating me. Catching a girlfriend cheating on me. The feeling of failure when I decided to declare bankruptcy. Each of these memories has the same feeling--has the same emotional impact--as thinking of a kangaroo. A kangaroo. No negative emotional impact whatsoever. None.

On the other hand, good memories--my first kiss, gatherings with my family, hanging out with friends--all are infused with love. Ironically, it is not a personal feeling of love, not a self-centered love, but what you could call, pure, radiant love. Not a pulling, grasping, needy, fearful, wanting love--just a warm outward flowing love, like the warmth felt from a fire on a cold night. In fact, almost all my memories are infused with that love--even the memory of loading the washing machine a few minutes ago.

Indeed, I can look at that bully, I can look at that cheating girlfriend, I can look at that Wayne Wirs who felt he failed--all with love. Past their story, past their actions, is their pure, life force. There is a love within each and every person struggling to radiate out. Struggling to be heard and felt and recognized. If you look closely, you can "see" it--see this Light and Love within everyone and everything.

Behind all our stories, we are the same. Light is Light is Light. It is the personal story--a simple mental concept gone awry--that bends the Light. The personal story bends and blocks and filters the Light towards good actions, bad actions, or--and usually--actions somewhere in between.

LAKE CATHERINE STATE PARK, AR--From most of the trees, the leaves have fallen away--their purpose finished, their husks discarded. The low, harsh sun of yesterday has crawled behind the subdued clouds and a soft, diffused light rests upon the fields and country roads. There is a sense of stillness here, mixed with a long awaited anticipation as if the earth, like a frail grandmother, was preparing to blow out the sputtering candles on an ancient birthday cake.