LEASBURG DAM SP, NM—Reader Joyce arrived at the park a few days back. Instead of heading to Thailand or India for an extended retreat, she decided to head to the American Southwest on a spiritual quest. She gave away or sold most of her possessions, packed a tent and hit the road.
While we were talking the other day, she mentioned how one of the things she knew she had to give up was the sense of “feeling special.”
I immediately thanked her because I had completely forgotten about “feeling special,” a trait almost all spiritual seekers have.
Pre-illumination, I too felt special: I was smart and spiritual and knew a lot about meditation and enlightenment—and for the most part I was living it.
It was subtle, but deep down I thought I was special.
Ironically, when the personal self falls away—even though that is extremely rare (ergo, “special”)—so too does the quality of feeling special.
Feeling special is a component of the completely mental-based story that makes up the ego. That story is all in our heads, and when the story drops away, so too does the “feeling special” quality.
You might think that because I blog about Mystical Oneness, about having an intimate two-way relationship with God/Her, about the almost magical events in my life, that I feel special. But that’s the furthest thing from the truth.
When I think about who (or what) I am, I know I’m not special because I know I’m not a “person” anymore.
What I am—what this thing is that seems both inside this body as well as containing this body (and everything else in the Universe)—is, well… well that still eludes me.
But it’s not special. It’s not special at all.
It’s just this.