The Personal Journal Experiment

CITY OF ROCKS SP, NM—I used to keep a personal diary for years, but stopped when I got serious about blogging.

With blogging being so formal though, I’ve decided to also start keeping a personal journal (I’m using Day One for the Mac). How often I’ll keep it up, well, if the past is any indicator, I’ll start out strong with daily entries, but I’m sure it will quickly fade to a much less frequent schedule. Who knows?

As an experiment (inspired by this stupid idea), I’m going to (once a week or so) post it on this blog for awhile. No guarantees on how long I’ll continue with this experiment—not so much because I care what it reveals about me (as I found out with Fading Toward Enlightenment, it’s a great ego-shattering practice sharing your deepest thoughts with the world), but I might take it down if I get too much criticism or unsolicited (unwanted) advice. Just sayin’.

I’ll try to do minimum edits, but some will be necessary, either to protect the privacy of others or to explain some of my more oddball terms and concepts.

Don’t expect gripping, edge-of-your-seat stuff either. I live an extremely simple and solitary life—practically Thoreau-esque—which fits with my contemplative personality and love of nature.

Also please don’t expect me to answer questions or reply to comments on these journal entries. I’m not trying to be a hard-ass, I just think it will take away from the spontaneity of journaling (“Man, if I have to explain this, I’m just not going to write about it”). They’re mainly for me and future-me—for later books, to reveal patterns, document changes (“Oh, I used to think of Radiance that way.”), etc.. While I know I’ll find them to be a useful practice and tool—and provide readers with a peek inside the mind of someone with a duplex personality—I just don’t want to feel obligated to explain or justify my thoughts or actions. Again, just sayin’.

One last note, before (to mix metaphors) casting the first stone, please be sure to look deeply into the mirror first (ie: if your diary or intimate thoughts were posted online…).

OK, enough of the disclaimers, pussy-footing, and excuses—below are the first set of entries…

Read more…

Journal 1/10/13: Letting Go


Date: January 10, 2013 9:04 AM 

Letting Go of the Desire to be Understood

An easy night. When interesting and attractive thoughts would come up, knowing they’d push Her out of my bed, I’d sweep them away and rest easy with my Lover.

I’m finding the analogy between an alcoholic to his drink and my addiction to creative thoughts to be very useful in dampening their appeal. I figure if a creative thought really needed my attention, it will keep repeating itself for weeks and not fall off into mental oblivion. No need to chase it—it will chase me (sort of like the van and book ideas).

I pondered how to respond to some critical comments to yesterday’s journal entry stating opposing views and what the commenters seem to believe to be nondual truths. They are just trying to help, but they don’t seem to understand the Paradox or the fact that you can move beyond Emptiness. As I said yesterday, it’s the explaining that hardens/contracts me and pushes my Lover away—and I simply hate it when I lose Her because of my actions.

So I advised one reader who seemed trapped in the Emptiness level to read my posts from the initiation of the Illumination onward, and the others I just thanked. What more was there to say? I’ve been through everything they’ve mentioned—and either moved beyond it or come to realize they are just myths, beliefs perpetuated by conjecture. All those hard and painful lessons I’ve learned, I’ve confessed and explained on my blog over the years.

My thoughts of the moment are to write a book or two describing my perspective and experiences and just be done with all this explaining. Then I’ll be free to spend the rest of my time with both Her—helping Her to see Herself—and with others who wish to do the same.


Journal 1/11/13: A Koan, a Quest, and a Question

CITY OF ROCKS SP, NM–A Koan, a Quest, and a Question…

Date: January 11, 2013 7:23 AM 


Lots of great ideas again last night. Pushed a lot of them away, but I did get caught up in a few (dammit). Didn’t write any of them down or record them on my voice recorder, so that’s a small victory.

Which brings me to a little koan that came to me last night (See? I just can’t get away from these damn things! I’m addicted I tell you. Addicted. 🙂 ).

The Koan:

Why is “Better” important to you personally?

(Synchronistically, when I woke up, I see Seth Godin’s morning post in my news reader: Four reasons your version of BETTER might not be enough).

Now forget the synchronicity. Think about this:

Why is “Better” important to you?


Date: January 11, 2013 3:58 PM 


Since I needed to go into town for propane and supplies, I decided to do a little exploring in the truck to see if I could find any good boondocking spots in the area. I found the one that Boonie and Randy had found before. A beautiful spot but what a nightmare to tow a trailer all the way up there (eight miles up a single lane mountain road).

Just another example where a stealth camper van would have been perfect: Since I was already there, I could have just parked and stayed a week or two.

Still, I have pretty much decided to keep the trailer even if I do get and outfit a van for camping. I figure the trailer will come in handy back in FL when I’m either down there visiting or on an extended stay helping out with the family. If I did get the van, then I’d probably just put the trailer in storage when not in use.

Date: January 11, 2013 4:48 PM 

A Good Question about “Beyond Emptiness”

Reader Jeff asked a good question today about confusing “beyond Emptiness” with not really being there. Again synchronistically, one of those pull-me-away-from-Her thoughts last night was about the “Hero’s Journey” of the spiritual quest: the Ascent to Enlightenment (Emptiness) and the Descent of bringing it back into the world (Integration). And even though I’ve been ranting recently about explaining my theories, I felt the synchronicity was Her way of telling me to just shut up and do it. My reply here.