Formless Awareness—Nirvikalpa Samadhi

My Yearly Brush With Snow

My Yearly Brush With Snow


April 4, 2017 9:43 AM

I awoke to snow. A few moments (seconds, minutes, hours?) earlier I was in, what is often called in Sanskrit, nirvikalpa samadhi—formless awareness.

This happens about once a week now but last night’s was the most… clear. I am aware, but not of any thing. A radiant, outward flowing awareness with no destination or intention. No other. No me even.

But, upon awakening I was struck by how almost all accounts of this “state” (quotes because it lies below all experience), seem to miss a key point: Love. … Read more…

The Times Are A-Changin’

The Sun Sets On A New Camp

The Sun Sets On A New Camp

CONGRESS, AZ—For the last few days I’ve been contemplating taking this, or another blog, in a new direction. Then this morning, reader Jud sent me this link from Scott Kiloby’s site about “premature awakening.”

At first I thought Jud was being critical of me (and maybe he/she was as it seems a lot of people have been beating up on me lately), but then upon reading the post, I agreed with practically all of it.

Adyashanti told me earlier in the year that I was at what he calls the Transcendent Self stage—what many people throughout history have called enlightenment. This stage still has a “self” (the Witness), but the personal self (the ego) has been transcended (seen through, experienced as “other”). He said “this is where all the good stuff happens,” meaning the magic and the direct experience of God.

Adyashanti says there is still another level beyond this which he calls No Self, and which I’ve had a few experiences with.

Still, some interesting points I took from Kiloby’s article (my wording):

  1. That not all chakras clear at the same time
  2. That when the head chakra clears, people often go right into “teacher mode”

I definitely went into #2 right away (as you can see with all my Horton stuff). Kiloby says he did too and said this is practically expected.

But #1 surprised me and—synchronistically meshing with my desire to shake things up a bit on the blog—got me thinking about my own “chakra” issues (I don’t come from a chakra background):

  • The self-concern chakra. I’m still too habituated with self-preservation and getting my way.
  • The taking criticism too seriously chakra. Damned if I know why, but I still haven’t “cleared” this chakra.

Both of these (and I’m sure there are others), instantly and unconsciously “contract” me out of the Vastness and that really bothers me. Sadly, I’ve yet to find anyone like me who blogs about their personal life (as opposed to just showing their stage persona), so I’m pretty much on my own (nothing new there) but I have a few ideas.

Anyway, no firm decisions yet on the blog or my direction, but it seems the times are a-changin’.

The Healing Thing

The Bridge

The Bridge

IDAHO FALLS, ID—In reference to the previous post, reader Rimas asked how I do the healing thing I do. I’m a little hesitant to describe it only because it’s a bit too “woo woo” for my tastes, but in the interest of transparency

Though my technique varies according to the state I find myself in—Mystical Oneness (typical) or No Self (rare)—it always involves the dissolution of the me-thing.

The healing thing I did with my mother a few days ago was similar to what I had done spontaneously while she was in surgery a few years backI/She/We merged/blended with her life force and added to it. This is distinctly different than the No Self version of extracting the disease/damage and taking it into my No Self body that I did in this account.

Basically, the merging method entails slipping into the Emptiness state (seeing and dropping all self contraction/boundaries), focusing on the Light/Life Force within this me-thing, becoming that Light (consciously identifying with it so I can control it), and—in an almost astral projection kind of way—“flying” to and merging with the Light/Life Force within my mother. Once merged, I/She/We expand, brighten and “burn out” anything that doesn’t belong there.

The Identity Block

A theory I have for why this doesn’t work on everyone: My father has fused vertebrae and only one fully functional lung (half of his other lung was surgically removed due to cancer). When I have tried the merging technique with him, I only see a slight increase in his energy level and that only lasts for about a day. But here is a key difference between my mother and father: my father identifies with his bad back and breathlessness—these qualities have become a part of who he believes himself to beand as I’ve posited beforeTaoGodHer won’t mess with a person’s ego (identity).

The Subtle Senses Of Self

The Many States of Being

The Many States of Being

SOMEWHERE IN THE SIERRAS, CA—Some thoughts I’m fleshing out. Hopefully this will be enough theory for awhile. Sorry for the long posts.

Instinctual self: Our genetically hardwired sense of self responsible for self/species preservation.

Ego: The imaginary self consisting of a persistent belief that we are our thoughts, past memories, and current roles.

Mortal self: The body, thoughts, emotions, and experience.

Soul self: Consciousness which transcends the body, but is still individualized.

Radiant Self: Consciousness still separate from the surroundings, but with a powerful sense of Love (TaoGodHer as other) flowing through you and into everything you see or experience.

Emptiness Self: The pure Witness when the sense of separation from the surroundings vanishes. Everything feels as one/you/consciousness.

Witness, Transcendent Self or just Self (capital S): When the ego is dropped, that which is experiencing events.

Personal self or just self (small s): Any combination of the above selves which you identify with.

No Self: When the Witness is no longer identified with. Clunky phrasing, but to say something like “when you no longer identify with the Witness,” is completely contrary to the experience. Everything is One Thing (nondual), and there is no “you.”

A couple key points:

  • Self is all about identity… who or what you believe yourself to be. Not rationally, but experientially.
  • Self seems to fall into one of three broad categories: Ego (me, me, me), Transcendent (I Am), No Self (???). Hat tip to Adyashanti.
  • Most people’s personal self is the ego.
  • Mortal and Soul selves are more individual based (solid self boundaries), and thus most egos identify with a combination of these.
  • Radiant and Emptiness selves are ethereal based (subtle self boundaries) and thus most people who have “woken up” tend to identify with a combination of these.
  • Though Emptiness and No Self seem to be the same, Emptiness still has a subtle sense of identity (the Witness).
  • The instinctual self has a great influence on pulling the “self center” temporarily lower (toward Mortal).
  • TaoGodHer (the nondual Intelligence), subtly pulls the “self center” higher (toward Her).
  • My experience of No Self is limited, but the instinctual self seems to affect the No Self too—it contracts the identity into one of the lower self stages because of having a physical body.
  • I have yet to identify with the ego (imaginary self) since “waking up” back in 2009. However, I often (inadvertently) contract (solidify/harden) to the Mortal and Soul levels. In other words, I no longer experience myself to be my thoughts or my history or the roles I participate in, yet I still sometimes take thoughts seriously (Mortal) or see myself as an immortal individual (Soul).
  • When I talk about the Wayne-thing (or the me-me-me), I’m talking about my Mortal self and/or instinctual self (thoughts and/or self-concerns). For most people, the Me-thing is their ego (imaginary self).

This all came about because of two “knots” I was contemplating on my birthday:

  • Knot 1: Why does my sense of self, which tends to be centered in Radiance, shift between the other levels (Mortal, Soul, Radiance Emptiness)? Insight/Whisper: The shifting of the me-center is influenced in an upward direction by a “Divine pull” (TaoGodHer) and a downward direction by the instinctual self. Not like a tug-of-war pull, but more like a unified, yin/yang, moon/ocean, tidal-like experience… a flowing.
  • Knot 2: Why do I need to identify with anything? Almost identical to the box technique mentioned here (“Right now, do I need the ego?”), but on the next level up (not ego to Witness, but Witness to No Self).

As I said, I’m still fleshing this stuff out so it’s all a bit rough, and quite honestly I’m about sick of it (I’m much happier just living it rather than explaining it), but I wanted to post it somewhere so you guys’ll have a better idea of what I’m talking about when I use that little four-letter word self.

Thanks for putting up with me (whoever that me is). 🙂

No-Self And Miraculous Healing

Missing Handle. Missing Bone Lump.

Missing Handle. Missing Bone Lump.

REDINGER LAKE, CA—In the interest of transparency. From my journal entry yesterday (minor edits to add appropriate links):

April 10, 2014 at 12:30 PM

Not sure I’m ready to document this on the website… Too many unknowns, too many unbelievable experiences in such a short time period:

Have been reading One Mind—basically about the evidence of TaoGodHer—and was thinking, “Of all these fantastic abilities that it talks about as evidence, which of these powers would I like to have?”

I know the argument against attachment to siddhis, but still, which one?

Healing. No question. Even though it would destroy my love of solitude, it would be the one that could both do the most hands-on good for others and be miraculous enough to convince others of Her existence.

About an hour after I had uploaded a blog post about the book One Mind, I shut the van door on my bath towel and it jammed the door. As I was pulling repeatedly on the handle, the handle broke off and I fell to the ground and sprained my back. One of those it’s-going-to-be-a-month-of-pain-type of back sprains.

An hour later, sitting in pain but oddly at peace, looking out over the lake and forest and thinking of TaoGodHer/One Mind as the life force inside all those trees—seeing the life force rising up inside the trees—I suddenly looked inside this body and found the same thing. No Self, just TaoGodHer and a thin shell-like structure (my body) containing/separating it from the rest of Her.

No self at all. As I write this the next day, 24 hours later, I still can’t find the transcendent self that has been “me” for the last four and a half years.

Anyway, I figured this was a good time to practice the healing. I lay down in bed and an odd and surprising thought came to me. The pain in my back reminded me of Dad’s back pain, so rather than trying to cure my own, I lay there visualizing taking in his pain into my own—into this living emptiness that I find inside this shell/body. I did the same with Mom’s partially blocked artery, taking it into myself. Not trying to heal myself (there isn’t any “myself”) just taking in their pain and disease.

Today, a few big surprises. Though my back is a tiny bit stiff, there is practically no pain. Furthermore, that odd 3/4 inch bone-like lump that was on my right wrist only yesterday, the one that looked like an extra wrist bone, is gone. It is just not there anymore. That in itself is a miracle as I always suspected it to be bone cancer. Additionally, the pain in my ankle from when I twisted/cracked it down in Mexico two months ago is practically gone.

As I said, I’m not ready to go public with these things yet. I want to see if both the no-self and the healing are of more a permanent nature.

Update (me blogging now)…

  1. This feeling/experience of no-self is different from Radiance in that the Shell/Portal of Radiance feels like “you.” In this case there is no “me”—the shell thing just feels like a hollow “crust” of this body. See this and this for more on my earlier thoughts on the transcendent-self and no-self.
  2. Currently, the no-self and transcendent-self flip in and out, so—as of now—the no-self isn’t a permanent state.
  3. I don’t know if the healing practice had any effect on my parents. There is no phone coverage here and for whatever reason, I didn’t email Mom about it. Figured she’d tell me if they noticed anything when she reads this.
  4. No noticeable pain in my back or ankle anymore (48 hours later).
  5. That mysterious wrist bone lump is gone. I wish I had a before photo. I had pointed it out to my mother when I was last down in Florida (it was smaller then), so hopefully she remembers it.

A few things that seem important:

  1. I was in the no-self state during the healing experiment.
  2. I wasn’t trying to heal myself but others.
  3. The thought of bringing their pain/disease/illness into my own body (not healing it but pulling it out of their bodies and into mine) surprised me.
  4. I didn’t/don’t care if pulling in their pain/disease/illness affected me. The feeling was there was no “me” for the pain/disease/illness to attach itself to.

Status Update April 12, 2014 8:55 AM:

For an update on my parents’ conditions, see this comment.

Wayne’s No-No-Self

No-Self Dangling His Feet Out The Van Door

No-Self Dangling His Feet Out The Van Door

OWL CREEK PARK, TEMPLE, TX—JimH linked to a couple videos of Tony Parsons in the comments of the previous post on No-Self, and as I was watching them, I was reminded of what I see as weaknesses in most nondual (No-Self) teachings. The following are just my opinions, not written-in-stone truths:

  • It is too hard to go from ego to No-Self. The chasm between them is just too vast. Fading/weakening of the ego seems a much more effective practice.
  • The constant denial of Self. There are no No’s in Oneness—only And’s.
  • The lack of supporting evidence. Just as there is no evidence of the ego or Self (which nondualists adamantly deny), there is no evidence of No-Self—of things just happening without a do-er.
  • Evidence of the God. Because synchronicity implies a divine do-er (Her/God), there’s at least evidence of a communication/unity between Self and Her/God (Mystical Oneness and the duplex personality). The implications of a living, interacting God are almost too profound to put into words.

I love the feel of the videos though—all the stillness and silent pauses and calmness (and you see this attitude all the time in popular teachers)—but I’m just not convinced that the message “There is no You,” is 100% accurate (maybe 50% accurate). More importantly, I don’t think, “There is no You (so what does anything matter)” is what the world needs hear (or be practicing) right now.

But then there’s also a complimentary aspect here, something else I intend to listen to on my retreat: What goes on in the head is not important, so don’t take any of this too seriously. 🙂

Adyashanti’s No-Self

Bare Tree At Dusk

Bare Tree At Dusk

OWL CREEK PARK, TEMPLE, TX—Most of the sabbatical topics mentioned in the previous post are either self-explanatory or have links to an explanation of them. All except Adyashanti’s concept of No-Self.

Briefly here’s what he went through (taken from my notes during the four week class I had with him about a month ago—dates may not be 100% accurate):

In 1988, after years of zen practice, his ego dropped and he woke up and went through what I’ve been going through since 2009 when the personal self fell away. He waited eight years to start teaching.

For about 5-6 years he taught from this state (what I call Mystical Oneness). In this state, there is still a subtle identity—an “I”—even if it is merged with the Divine (the Witness/Unity/the duplex personality). In other words, there is a Me and a Her (even if they are as intimately connected as Siamese twins). There is still a Self identity—an I.

Around 2002, 14 years after Adyashanti’s enlightenment, that impersonal scrap of identity—his Self—fell away completely. He calls this state “No-Self.”

No identity. There is just stuff that happens. Unlike how I experience the world happening simultaneously both outside me and inside me, from the No-Self point of view there is no “I” for stuff to happen outside of (or inside of). From the No-Self point of view, stuff just happens

Adyashanti says that “all the good stuff” happens in the non-egoic state (Mystical Oneness). The non-ego state is what all seekers want: a (non-personal) Self which experiences the bliss, the Love, the unity with the Divine, the expansiveness, the no-boundaries,….

No-Self on the other-hand is quite ordinary. Boring in comparison. Stuff just happens. No explanations, no magic, no Divine relationship. Stuff just happens. There’s just no I involved.

Anyway, the whole No-Self concept is something I at least want to… contemplate a bit more. I can’t imagine wanting this state—especially in comparison to the benefits of Mystical Oneness—but I at least want to understand it a bit more. I’m not ready to give up on God/Her yet—and I don’t think She’s ready for that either. But as reader Shaina mentioned, we may not have a choice in the matter—No-Self seems to be something that just happens whether we want it or not.

So there’s that.

I’ll probably do one or two more posts before signing off for a bit (two weeks to two months). December 21—the Winter Solstice and the darkest day of the year—seems like a good time to start a bit introspection.