An Example of Cosmic Consciousness

The Light on the Water

The Light on the Water

BIRCH CREEK CAMPGROUND, ID— As the you-thing weakens, Cosmic Consciousness becomes stronger and starts to guide your actions while at the same time feeding you information. It is subtle, not necessarily like a separate entity, but more like an intimate part of you that you previously weren’t aware of. I think my ongoing examples speak for themselves, but it is nice to see this happening in Michelle

Michelle. Yesterday 9:47 PM:

(wgw edit: Michelle explains how a Skype call, which she normally wouldn’t have taken (but she listened to Her whispers so she did) which led to an unexpected counseling session. I’m editing to protect the privacy of the other parties.)

[Redacted]

It showed me a few things.

  1. The power of synchronicity to bring me to the right place at the right time.
  2. The reality that even an accomplished person who has met a lot of their own unique dreams can be so dissatisfied. The ego often wants more, I suppose. Seeing the evidence is helpful.
  3. The way she shone through me and gave me things to say at the right time. Come to think of it, I wasn’t trying to control the situation and this allowed those to come through.

Something I’m able to do a LITTLE better since last week is surrendering to let her take the reigns more. My mind still tries to get all worked up over the future and scenarios and whatnot… But I can find myself saying, screw it. I feel that this is something I need to learn before I can substantially progress. She kind of told me that, actually.

Michelle. Yesterday 9:50 PM:

I’m still intermittently seeing myself when I have the stillness available. Sliding in and out when I can. There is space here.

Michelle. Yesterday 9:54 PM:

Cool flash I had after I wrote that… I was walking around and felt like I was her, moving through this self. Neat!

Wayne. 11:34 AM:

All wonderful experiences. All excellent examples of your progress. Look how far you’ve come since we first started talking! (One of the reasons I want new students to blog is so they can look back and see their progress).

“I was walking around and felt like I was her, moving through this self.”

I often experience this, though I don’t know WHAT I am during those “walks.” As I pull away all contraction (portal), there is SOMETHING looking out of this body, SOMETHING experiencing all this, but it isn’t the me-thing, and I wouldn’t call it Her either, but some sort of blending of the two. It’s beautiful. I get there by pulling away the contraction, the mental separation, the me-thing, but let me know if you’ve found another way. 🙂

When She Drives

Feeding My Stairs Fixation

Feeding My Stairs Fixation

SNOQUALMIE NF, WA—The first time TaoGodHer takes the reins in your life, it can be a bit disconcerting. After awhile though, you get used to it, trust it, and even come to expect it. Of note are Michelle’s comments marked in bold/emphasis:

Michelle. Yesterday 6:05 PM

  1. This is really frustrating. I’m keeping at it but for the record it’s just frustrating. I’m starting to not like the loss of control I’m starting to feel. And I know you will probably tell me to see who is feeling frustrated. But I’m working on it. I see it all in flashes. The other perception question I am working on too… Whether it’s the same or different from all the others.
  2. This doesn’t have much to do with it, but I want to record it. While I was on the porch just now trying to see what this was and got some clarity on how much it sees and how it sees all of me, I got this flash (once the clarity came in more full force) to where I needed to call someone to sign up for a healing course I had been waffling over because I hadn’t quite felt “moved” in the right way yet… In a flash something came through me and walked me over to my phone and called, and it was definitely NOT me doing it. It kind of freaked me out because it was just not my decision to take this action, not me doing it. I was quite taken aback. Is this how spontaneous action can happen with her acting through our bodies/minds?

Michelle.Yesterday 9:27 PM

Before was unsettling because the sensation of having her move through me involuntarily is not something I’m used to at all. I read over some old synchronicity blog posts of yours for some clarity.

Pushing The Boundaries

A Sweet Camp

A Sweet Camp

MT BAKER NF, WA—Because her ego is in its dying throes, it was causing Michelle to feel a powerful sense of guilt for all sorts of stuff. The ego is sneaky that way—willing to do anything to avoid its demise.

Below is an excerpt from our recent dialog.

A couple things to note:

  • How Michelle is able to see both her guilt and her thoughts as “other” and how insubstantial they are: The guilt can be watched as it swims in and out…
  • The duplex personality has started to take hold: The Michelle part feels guilty, the light just doesn’t.
  • The self boundaries collapsing: First observation is that it is not limited to the space inside my body. I feel that it’s outside of my body as well.

Michelle, Aug 20, 2014

… However–the light of awareness is compassionate to my mind’s burden, to the world’s burdens…but it doesn’t refuse to shine because of “guilt” and “responsibility.” It’s steady. The Michelle part feels guilty, the light just doesn’t. The guilt can be watched as it swims in and out, and I don’t believe it quite so much now.

Wayne, Aug 20, 2014

What if you were a frog? Tell me, as a frog, about the Guilt, and about the Light of Awareness.

Michelle, Aug 20, 2014

After a little over an hour frog meditating, I don’t think that I CAN do that. I can’t.

I did see past myself, and into the vastness to the point where it scared me again, though. And mind/self feels less real now, thank goodness.

I suppose my mind wants to understand things that can’t be understood. Like, it wants REASONS for things and I don’t know that those really exist, at least in a way my mind and thoughts can grasp. I simply don’t know. To the frog, it just is. Does that make any sense?

Wayne, Aug 20, 2014

What are the PROPERTIES of that which PERCEIVES (http://waynewirs.com/2009/perception/)?

Michelle, Aug 20, 2014

Not sure if I’m hitting the nail on the head here, but this feels worth recording. Was turning that over in contemplation when going to sleep just now and just kind of saw that I actually see everything. It was kind of a flash. There is something (that) can perceive EVERYTHING that goes on within me, all the little movements and parts and thoughts. Everything.

Michelle, Aug 21, 2014

On the properties of that which perceives:

First observation is that it is not limited to the space inside my body. I feel that it’s outside of my body as well.

Wayne, Aug 21, 2014

“Not limited…” Good. Not LIMITED. That which perceives is BOTH inside and outside the body. Boundaries are only of the mind.

Get a feel for that which perceives. Now look once more at the Void. Is it really a void? Is it really empty? Or is it something else?

Wayne, Aug 20, 2014

And as you look at this “Void,” look at “yourself.” See the contraction, the shell, the portal as just a mental boundary (you know this, you feel this).

Now pull away the shell/portal/boundary.

The Shadow Falls

The Broken Forest

The Broken Forest

CAMP 3 (or 4), MT HOOD, OR—I’ve been feeling particularly dark lately. Though it would be easy to blame it all on work, I secretly believe it’s all Michelle’s fault. She’s wrestling with her Shadow, and as any Mystic/student relationship worth its salt is, there’s an almost constant… reflection of her life in mine.

Last I read Ken Wilber (which was awhile ago), he was advocating doing Shadow work in conjunction with other integral practices to help the seeker progress along the spiritual path. I wholeheartedly agree—though, as you will see, the Shadow may reveal itself all on its own.

Shadow work is any technique that helps you uncover deep repressed emotional and psychological material. I spent years with Holosync for just that purpose and still swear by its benefits, but as Michelle is finding out, as the ego decays and loses its repressive energy, the Shadow will awaken.

And yesterday at work my chakras started dumping out junk again, until ANOTHER one stuck. I spent about an hour writing it out last night but didn’t get to the bottom of it before I was too tired and had to go to bed. Negative energy and emotions are EXHAUSTING. I don’t know how I, and therefore most human beings for that matter, have lived with all this junk stored away on a permanent basis.

I believe one of the reasons you feel so much lighter and happier after the ego drops away is because the Shadow, with nothing left to hold it in, ejects from the system and vanishes. All that dark matter, the “junk” as Michelle calls it, disappears.

The spontaneous eruption of the Shadow, as painful as it can be, is also a very powerful indicator that the ego is finally dissolving.

See also my Dark Night of the Soul.

The Flood

The Skies Clear

The Skies Clear

MT HOOD, OR—I closed the laptop, closed the van, and drove up to Government Camp for a good meal and a well deserved beer. 100 billable hours. Three times what I normally put in in a billing cycle.

But those hours flowed. I was in the zone the whole time. I wrote the complete framework for an entire forum—from scratch—in two weeks. And though I’m tired, it was practically effortless because I surrendered and let Her do it. I let Her write the code.

And it flowed.

When the personal self falls away, it is very easy to get lost. What is important to you when there is no longer a “you”?

Michelle, as I’m sure others who read this blog are, is going through a sort of “value storm.” Much of what used to be important to her is no longer. Everything is in turbulence. There’s nothing to hold onto. No solid ground. Everything is aswirl and it’s scary.

It’s sort of like Noah’s Flood. Things are changing for the better, but right now it’s nothing but rain and wind and lightning and a whole lot of crashing waves.

When I went through it, I had no one to help me, no teacher to guide me. When my personal self fell away, I was lost and I drifted. It’s all right here on this blog.

But things are different for you Michelle. You’re not alone—I’ve got your back.

It gets easier. Though you will never find solid ground to stand on ever again, you are beginning to realize something very few ever do—not just with your mind, but with your heart: You are the Ground itself… and the Sea and the Light and the All.

And yet you are still you.

You can feel this. Though you can’t explain it, you know it.

You know what you have to do. You’ve done it time and time again. You’ve learned it from practice and practical application. You’ve done it before and you can do it again:

When you relax and surrender and allow—when you let Her drive—everything flows and everything works out exactly as it should.

And though you may not know where you’re heading or how you are going to get there, you know it’s exactly where you’re supposed to be.

Listen to your heart.

Listen to Her whispers.

And everything will be alright.

The Release Of Constrictions Unknown

The Hawk Hunts At Dusk

The Hawk Hunts At Dusk

NE MT. HOOD—The recent realization that I should be focusing my attention on helping others to awaken the Divine within, rather than on straight-up enlightenment, has left me with a deep felt sense of peace and direction. Though I’m not ready to start down the teaching path, something inside has clicked into a place it didn’t know it was out of.

Similar to the resolution of the Emptiness/Fullness Paradox, this insight into my focus has felt like a release of energy, like a dropping of some unknown burden. A relaxing of tension that I wasn’t previously aware of—yet had gripped me nonetheless.

From what I told Michelle on June 25th:

PS: Don’t cling to the idea of enlightenment. Isn’t this wonderful just as it is? The love, the blending, enfolding, and enlivening of God thru you? At this point, I’m largely in agreement with Adya: Now it is up to Grace (out of your hands).

Today—online and by many of the latest nondual teachers—enlightenment is really nothing more than nihilism in disguise. It is just the mental aspects of nondual theory.

I want nothing to do with their mental games. The mind is the whole problem.

The path of inquiry (Emptiness) is just a partial path. Without the practical and applied (living as a Soul) and the emotional (practicing Radiance), Emptiness is nothing more than a mental exercise.

It is the practice of all three—the practical, the emotional, and the mental—that awakens the Divine within (the Duplex Personality, Cosmic Consciousness, Unity Consciousness, TaoGodHer).

And the awakening of the Divine within is what leads to the lived experience—and not just a mental understanding—of enlightenment.

If your nondual teacher isn’t talking about the Divine (Presence, the Infinite, TaoGodHer, …) on a regular basis, then they may just be confusing nihilism with enlightenment.

We believe in nothing, Lebowski.

— Nihilist #1 threatening the Dude in his bathtub in “The Big Lebowski

Four Breakthroughs

The Clouds Clearing On Mt. Hood

The Clouds Clearing On Mt. Hood

NE MT. HOOD—I closed the laptop after uploading yesterday’s post and felt released. “We’re done here,” She said, and I drove off from this rain soaked but beautiful place.

Six months ago, I had told my nomadic friends that I was heading to the Northwest, that I had to go back to “my mountain.”  I didn’t know why, just that I was drawn. And when I finally arrived in Portland, though I wanted to spend some time there, She pushed me on, “No. Keep going.”

She had dragged me back and forth between the Mountain and the Dam three times in the last two weeks, back to the places where my ego shattered nearly five years ago. My mind didn’t understand why, but I’ve learned the lesson of Surrender so I did what She said and it felt good.

As a result of this stormy period, a period of both intense weather and intense emotional energy, four breakthroughs occurred, three completely unexpected. All made aware to me over the course of only a few hours:

  • Michelle, though she still has hell to pay in her struggles with her ego, is now in a form of “tumble mode.” With the awakening of the Divine within, her ego is doomed. Nothing can resist the Light for long. I see the Michelle I’ve consoled over the last three years as a dry and dusty husk of what she has now become… and of what she is becoming.
  • The realization that I should be helping others awaken the Divine within—rather than focusing on their enlightenment—has left me with a feeling of deep peace and comfort and a sense of purpose and direction. I had felt lost and adrift and aimless before, but now I feel the mist of uncertainty parting.
  • Jim, my client and friend, was going through hell just the day before, filled with doubts and dejection and indecision. Moments after arriving at my new camp, he called to relate a unique opportunity that had just fallen into his lap. An opportunity that by some miracle we were uniquely positioned to address with a mothballed component of our system. A component which only needed to be activated and tweaked to address this important moment. Jim, who has never been the least bit spiritual, confessed it felt like a miracle from Her (his word).
  • A few moments later, I received an email from a new reader Noah, who had sent in a nice donation earlier in the day, and was now explaining why: Something in a video or article of mine had stimulated what he called, “an unbelievable synchronicity of thoughts, emotions and external situations/inputs that suddenly and unexpectedly all converged to make something ‘happen’ last night.” Another breakthrough from someone I’ve never even spoken with before.

There is something more operating behind the perceptions of our minds and emotions and senses. There is an Intelligence at work that has our best interests at heart. An Intelligence that is happy to participate in our lives… if we are only willing to open the door and let Her in.

Mystic Michelle

Behind The Flower's Face

Behind The Flower’s Face

MT HOOD, OR—I define a Mystic as someone who experiences the duplex personality. Capital ‘M’ because half that personality is the awakenend Divine within. God is not you, but She’s not not you either. I’m begining to realize that maybe my “purpose” is not so much to help others find enlightenment (the dropping of the ego), but to help them awaken the Divine within. No one can push you through the gateless gate (make you drop the ego), but they can help you weaken the ego enough that God Herself awakens in you.

The less there is of you, the more there is of Her

(I’ve only made a few spelling edits, nothing else. This has been our conversation from where we last left off, up until a few moments ago.)

Michelle Jun 22, 2014

Today I simply had too much activity. This is not great timing for a perspective shift, and I don’t know why spirit had to work things in such a way…because I’m in two interview processes for new positions, a load of “homework” for one of those…and it’s not letting up anytime soon, family vacation is next weekend and, of course, I have work all week. Yesterday when I was sitting alone working on this writing assignment I have to do for an interview process, I took breaks to “blow my mind” a bit. It’s so hard to stay with that perspective with people around all the time! So much self taking up all the space. Annoying.

Wayne Jun 23, 2014

Spirit didn’t make you busy.

Ego, fearing its death, did.

When She wanted to say “No” to all those things, Ego/Michelle said, “Yes.”

She, TaoGodHer, works through everything except the ego. That, I believe, is what the Genesis story of the Fruit from the Tree of Knowledge and Man has Free Will was all about. Ego + Free Will is “off-limits” to TaoGodHer.

Now re-read those first three lines I just wrote above.

Michelle Jun 23, 2014

I see what you are saying. Because the family vacation has been planned for months, and because I had completed the application processes previously and am just following through at this point, the busy-ness now feels unavoidable to some extent. However… I do admit that it is very averse to not being busy and keeps that way generally out of fear. It feels as though there is something that must be done at all hours, and it is very afraid of becoming socially isolated from other people. That’s a deep fear.

I am flipping around somewhat in the last day or so. Sometimes I feel like I feel like my ego is “me,” and sometimes I feel like the light of awareness is. Most of today I felt like Michelle because I was so busy at work. When I came home and stay outside for a few minutes, awareness had it again.

Wayne Jun 23, 2014

Hmm. I apologize if that was too harsh. But, it does seem to me She’s trying to tell you something, that for you to go much deeper, you’re going to have to schedule some down time. No hurry, She’s not going anywhere.

Don’t worry about becoming socially isolated either. It may happen while you’re going through the “quickening” but you’ll want it then, and when you come out on the other side, the choice will be entirely yours.

Michelle Jun 23, 2014

It wasn’t too harsh…I think you’re right, I do need to schedule more down time. Thankfully the worst is over (as of just minutes ago),  and apart from the trip I should be able to do more of that now. You know, I had been trying to get a real start on a community project I’d been working on, on and off, for the last year…but various things keep getting in the way lately. A few days ago I flipped a coin to see whether I should even do it or not…Yes. then I asked, should I do it now?…No. I think it’s time to hold off and get myself together first…whoever the hell I turn out to be.

Michelle Jun 24, 2014

Had a nice experience this morning at work… Just of seeing myself as secondary, as not really in control, and walking and moving and talking from spirit… Controlled by spirit… Of course my ego self is scared to not be in control… But when I think about it, how could it be? If my ego actually controlled my world, all would go according to its plan. And that’s just not what happens. It spends a lot of its time on damage control from its own resistance, really.

Michelle Jun 24, 2014

An aha moment… So I just saw that really I am god. Like everything around me and the heart that guides me is God. The light of awareness is God. And I swear, it almost happened. I started to think and feel: What would it be like if I knew I were god? And I kind of just felt stunned, kind of like my mind and being went blank, felt something shift in my perceptual being (difficult to describe), felt like I wasn’t quite Michelle anymore, and sat down and started almost crying. The veil is still here but it feels thinner… what a strange sensation.

Michelle Jun 24, 2014

Now I’ve come down a bit and can describe a bit more how I feel.

I feel kind of stunned, spaced out, first of all. I also don’t feel like there is as much ego. Like I am seeing the world more directly. It feels like I am partially watching myself from a distance. I have the power to either focus on the ego or the God part. If I focus on God I can ask myself, how would I be acting and feeling if I were god? Overwhelming love for anything I look at if I focus on it. I can let it pour out more easily because at least part of me understands that there’s no reason to hide from this love or to let my heart open, open… And I have to focus on it for this to work.

Wayne Jun 24, 2014

Beautiful. I know exactly how it feels, that wonderful… expansion and Light.

See any self-contraction (portal, Michelle-thing, self-centered thoughts…) and pull them away and drop them. Open and open and open.

I’d call in sick tomorrow if I were in your shoes.

Michelle Jun 24, 2014

Okay. Maybe I will do that.

Wayne Jun 24, 2014

Good. And don’t feel obligated to write updates here if you’re in the zone. I know what you’re going through. Post if you want to document it, but again, don’t do anything out of a feeling of obligation.

Mine was very tenuous… delicate and I was afraid to lose it if I thought too much. Every time I’d have a thought to blog or tell someone, I’d pull it away and drop it. I tried to do that as much as possible, pulling away and dropping thoughts and resting in the Light and the feeling of Love.

Michelle Jun 24, 2014

Yeah I’m scared I have already done some damage that has swung me back a bit in the way of thought/ego… Roommates, though I tried to somewhat avoid them, and some particular friend who is contacting me incessantly. I’ll have to tell them to let me be tomorrow.

Michelle Jun 24, 2014

Yeah honestly Wayne I feel like I kind of lost it… I’m so mad at myself now for letting myself respond to my friend. It made such a big difference. Maybe I might as well go into work tomorrow after all.

Wayne Jun 24, 2014

Have faith. Do the practice. Once the door has been cracked, there’s no closing it. Something has shifted inside you. It may be hard to see right this moment, but you are never going to be the same person you were yesterday.

She’ll take care of you. Do the practice: Radiance, then pull away the portal, pull away the Michelle contraction, pull away your thoughts. Do it before you go to sleep and just keep pulling away everything you can see and experience and realize those things aren’t you. Fall asleep doing this.

See what happens. Surrender to Her. You know She’s real now. She’s got your back.

Michelle Jun 25, 2014

Well I fell asleep before reading that but I feel now that I will be able to slip back into it. I’ll call in today.

Michelle Jun 25, 2014

so far today… Stayed in bed and sat with it all for a while. Two things going on here, two entities in myself just like you always say. Decided to go to a nature trail since most of my significant realizations happened amongst the trees. Easier to consciously be guided by the heart, by her, when out and doing things like this… Driving was interesting. Propensity to laugh uncontrollably at little things. 😛

Wayne Jun 25, 2014

I forgot about the laughing thing. Good times!

I used a version of this meditation to help during this delicate time: http://waynewirs.com/2009/waking-yourself-up-part-iv-the-practice/

Don’t do it if you don’t want to, or only do some variation of it. You/She knows what’s best at this point.

Michelle Jun 25, 2014

I did that and it really helped establish me in that witness consciousness. I’ll do it again after lunch.

I stopped to get lunch now… Can’t fast with this blood sugar though I’m sure it would be better to. I don’t feel too delicate to talk things out at the moment and am getting a little frustrated, though I’ve also see a lot of progress with my perceptions.

1. I’m seeing the way the boundaries get in the way of the light. And how my thoughts contribute to the strengthening of those boundaries. The meditation (Hortons and light especially) helped with that.

2. My ego is getting super frustrated with how long I’m sitting around doing “nothing” and is trying its best to get me to just go home and do something more stimulating for it. I’m going through phases where my light-of-awareness dominates, at one point I could hardly even find my self though there was just enough of it in there to turn up again… And endless chattering of the self, which I’m having to just recognize as Hortons and barriers to the oneness.

3. The light of is like a rock, pretty neat.

4. I’m not sure what to do. I try to let her guide which sometimes is working. But to some extent there is resistance… I know there’s all this energy locked up there ready to explode or something and I just haven’t been able to let it out yet.

Wayne Jun 25, 2014

#2 & #4: Remember the lesson of the Frog Master. Why can he sit still for so long while it is driving you nuts?

Wayne Jun 25, 2014

Don’t try to figure out what you ARE, just look into what is causing your mental suffering/discomfort. What is keeping you from God Herself?

Michelle Jun 25, 2014

Okay. Frog master thing helped. Being in the woods all day helped. Now unfortunately I am back to my life and it will be busy for a bit… My parents have Italian visitors I’ll have to help entertain tonight and over the next few weeks. But anyhow, the afternoon was pretty wild. Man, I went from being so moved by the beauty of oneness and unity in all I saw… To moved to tears by just seeing a mother and daughter and how beautiful they were… To being almost nothing but eyes again. I got this distinct sense that I am God’s eyes, ears, etc. That’s my function, be a vessel. Overall, I went deep though despite finally being able to surrender to a lot and to see and pull away at my self over and over, it didn’t happen today. I think I need more time to sit in these ideas: who is in the drivers seat… Michelle or her? (I felt both very often today) And where are the boundaries separating me from unifying with everything around me? And pulling away at thoughts/boundaries, seeing them as the inconsequential entities that they are.

Wayne Jun 25, 2014

When around others, let Her/the Light shine (get out of Her way). When you recognize the Michelle-contraction, pull IT away and drop it and let the Light shine. You’re doing great. All of Life is practice.

Wayne Jun 25, 2014

PS: Don’t cling to the idea of enlightenment. Isn’t this wonderful just as it is? The love, the blending, enfolding, and enlivening of God thru you? At this point, I’m largely in agreement with Adya: Now it is up to Grace (out of your hands).

Michelle Jun 25, 2014

Actually that’s a relief for you to say. 🙂 I have heard that in its final stages it’s simply divinely given and was wondering. So that takes that pressure off.

Michelle Yesterday 4:32 PM

Work today has been a bit “trippy” too, highlight being on surrender of my heart. Surrender of my heart literally means letting her have the reigns, do everything. Am able to when focusing but not when doing other things. It literally starts to hurt me now if I am not surrendering to let my heart shine all that light.

Wayne Yesterday 6:02 PM

It’s excellent that it hurts you when you aren’t surrendering. Pain is a great motivator. It also means that you have become confident in surrendering which was quite a hurdle not so long ago.

On losing the awareness of the Light “when doing other things.” This is typical and expected. When I write code, I AM the code. I’m every IF-THEN-ELSE statement. When you write a letter, aren’t YOU the letter? Same thing on more mundane stuff, though you may flip back and forth because of the amount of focus. No biggie and as I say, to be expected. Put aside the myth of abiding awareness. As I said before – http://waynewirs.com/2014/the-lie-of-abiding-nondual-awareness/ – I can’t see it being even possible.

Michelle 7:08 AM

Went to sleep last night surrendering and surrendering. Woke up during the night and surrendered more across my body. Woke up this morning very delicate, soft, less, and I think more naturally surrendered. Meditated on surrender for a while then did a version of the bubble meditation (with a different technique than the bubble tube but similar… My bottom chakra was NOT cooperating) that brought me to see unity again.

Michelle 8:17 AM

I think she is reclaiming control over my body, or my subtle body or something, piece by piece.

Control, Free Will, and the Ego

Simple And Slow And Natural

Simple And Slow And Natural

JOHN DAY DAM, WA—A few years back I was discussing/arguing free will with my mother and brother. My opinion (though I stated it as a fact, not an opinion), is that if you could go back 10 minutes into the past, you would do everything exactly the same as you did the first time through. Why? Because everything else would be “reset” and with nothing changed (you wouldn’t remember what you did last time), you’d do the exact same thing. Free will was an illusion. QED.

Makes sense right? To bad it’s all BS. Pure mental fantasy. You can’t go back in time which nullifies the rest of the scenario… ie BS. See how the mind messes with you? Stupid minds. They are your own worst enemy.

Anyway here is what I believe now:

In Genesis—which I see as a parable—God gave Man free will to do as he wanted with the exception of eating from that one tree over there. Man of course couldn’t resist the temptation so he ate from the Tree of Knowledge and bazinga, instantly grew an ego (became self aware).

Man. Was. Screwed.

My interpretation of this story:

  • TaoGodHer won’t mess with your free will—do whatever the hell you want, She’s not going to interfere. That’s Her deal with you.
  • The “you” and “your” in the sentence above is the ego brought about by the Tree of Knowledge (self awareness).
  • The less there is of “you” the less there is of self will and the more there is of Divine will.

You see, free will is all about control, and control is the antithesis of surrender and surrender is the direct path to the Divine. The more free will you think you have, the more there is of “you.” The more you surrender, the less there is of “you” and the more there is of Her.

From Michelle’s post to me earlier today:

Had a nice experience this morning at work… Just of seeing myself as secondary, as not really in control, and walking and moving and talking from spirit… Controlled by spirit… Of course my ego self is scared to not be in control… But when I think about it, how could it be? If my ego actually controlled my world, all would go according to its plan. And that’s just not what happens. It spends a lot of its time on damage control from its own resistance, really.

That’s a perfect example of the way I live—of the way I’d love others to live. Who’s in control? That is just a mental game, based on a world of “Or’s.” It isn’t a choice between the Wayne-thing OR the Divine. It’s not a this OR that.

The Mystic doesn’t live exclusively in the world of Man or the world of the Divine. The Mystic lives in the Threshold. The Mystic lives between the two worlds.

For the Mystic, it’s not “my” free will or God’s free will.

It’s both.

Knocking On The Gate

The Clouds Of Mt Hood

The Clouds Of Mt Hood

JOHN DAY DAM, WA—For those of you knocking at the Gateless Gate, a continuation of the dialog between Michelle and I. I don’t post this to embarrass Michelle—everyone knows I’m all about transparency—but to help those of you on the Edge. Now if you haven’t stabilized the Soul and Radiance levels, then this is just mental masturbation, so don’t go fooling yourself or come crying to me. 🙂

Michelle. Jun 20, 2014

Your remarks that I’m standing on the edge scared me. My self started having a huge, dramatic bout of anxiety. It felt different than typical anxiety, kind of like fearing for my existence, a big resistance/holding on. A little frightening. Also the anxiety of putting pressure on myself to do this right. I have been relaxing since then to assuage that pressure and feel okay now… I can’t know how to “do it right,” and if I get attached to that idea, I’ll be counterproductive. All I can do is see and feel what truth is.

I read your blog post, and a comment that helps was from that guy who said that he witnesses that all of his actions can be experienced as things that are done separately from him. This is particularly something I need to watch. Who is taking action, and is it someone different than the one experiencing action?

Wayne. Jun 20, 2014

“Who is taking action?” — it’s just action, odd as that sounds. Don’t let your mind get in the way.

Re the fear: Always remember, unlike most people who face the Void, you have experience with Radiance. You can and will always have that to fall back on, indeed, you’ll need it to function in the world. I operate all the time from Radiance, it is just on this side, I feel more like the Light than the portal/shell.

Just rest assured, it’s a beautiful experience just being the seeing without a see-er. That is the experience of Emptiness when the personal self is seen through. Like your giant eye, but with without the eyeball. 🙂 Just seeing. It’s beautiful.

Wayne. Jun 20, 2014

PS: Don’t try to visualize the Gate. It doesn’t work that way. Just drop anything that isn’t you… anything that you can see or experience until you realize that the Michelle-thing has all been dropped away (your boundaries disappear, (the finger snap in the video), and you are suddenly boundless).

It’s only then that you “see” the Gate, you’ll realized that the Michelle-thing, while it felt so hard and real all your life (the Gate) simply doesn’t exist (Gateless).

Michelle. Jun 20, 2014

I had another intense 20 minutes or so outside, just being with nature… where I saw so much more of myself. Just like the eye of Sauran in Lord of the Rings, which nothing can hide from eventually. (except it’s not an evil Mordor eye, of course…) That’s the metaphor that kept coming to mind. Seeing myself. Seeing my thoughts. It all seems more hollow, and the eye (I can understand only now why it’s described as the “light of awareness”) shines brighter.

Michelle. Jun 20, 2014

The mortal part of me is definitely a little scared of the unfamiliar territory and its lack of the same level of importance. I’m going to try to listen to you and default to radiance.

Michelle. Jun 20, 2014

And again before bed tonight, meditated in this for a few minutes and am starting to see a little more clearly how I am the one who experiences all of these actions and thoughts and memories. Kind of like a backdrop of light upon which are shadows.

This process feels very strange and confusing.

Wayne. Jun 21, 2014

You’re doing great.

Go into Radiance and not only pull away and drop the Portal/Shell, but pull away and drop every thought that comes up.

Thoughts aren’t the enemy, they are just noise in your head, so gently grab them and drop them away to the side (just like you do the Portal/Shell).

While doing this—while in those momentary spaces between thoughts— look for “Michelle” and notice that she doesn’t exist there in the vast Light of Awareness.

Notice, that “Michelle” is composed of nothing more than thoughts.

Michelle. Jun 21, 2014

It’s more empty the more I look at it. The spark I thought the self contained seems to be coming from the light of awareness. Pulling thoughts also helps me to see that they are more empty as well.

There is definitely an element of resisting surrender in this process.

Wayne. Jun 21, 2014

Look at your memories, at the story of all that made up “Michelle.” Can you see them?

Then they aren’t you.