Standing In My Doorway Looking Down
FLAGSTAFF, AZ—[Kiefer Sutherland voice over]: The following takes place between five AM and six AM on the morning of October 10th. Events happen in real time.
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Darkness. Aliveness. Glimmer of Light. Swirling. Churning. Confusion… where am I, which direction am I facing, which direction will headlights (threats?) come from, wait a minute… it’s still dark out, yet dawn’s coming, I can feel it, sense it. Arizona? Yeah, Arizona… the woods outside Flagstaff…
Silence. Swirling. Coalescing. Contraction.
I’ve been letting everyone down, I’ve been so caught up in the [REDACTED] project that my readers surely must be bored, drifting off into the ether to find someone who fits a more spiritual ideal, but worse I’ve been letting Michelle down, but isn’t that odd how busy I’ve been on other things while at the same time she’s been busy with other things? Is her life a reflection of mine or mine a reflection of hers? Is reflection the right word? Co-mingling perhaps? but that sounds sexual and I’ve never even heard her voice let alone met her, so maybe she’s got this deep basso voice (is basso the right word? a deep bull-frog voice?), wouldn’t that be weird, but I think I understand the Rumi/Sham(?) connection now, how he called Sham(?), a guy, his beloved because maybe he was talking about that famed guru/student “co-mingling” of souls—separate but (sort of) one, and… and I am letting everyone down, I just haven’t had anything spiritual to talk about lately, but then there was something Michelle said last night that struck me… what was it again? Something about faith… something like she knows that She/God’s going to take care of her. Am I the teacher or is Michelle the teacher? You dumb-ass, you’re constantly admonishing your readers not to use OR’s but AND’s, so of course it’s both… teacher/student, co-mingling, separate but one. same thing you idiot, but I am letting everyone down… and faith, that’s it, faith is what (ironically) so many religions lack, faith is meaning and religions are rules, faith isn’t about following rules but following the Light. The Light is never going to tell you to cut off someone’s head, yet practically all religions talk about killing sinners or at least Divine retribution which is just a projection of wanting to kill those who don’t think or act like you. Fucking amazing… violently aggressive people—bullies—are the bane of the World… and particularly this whole ISIS movement with their we’re right your wrong so let’s kill you because God’s on our side attitude and let’s put all women in burkas and I’m really getting fat and maybe that’s not such a bad thing ’cause it kind of shows the world that I think of my body like a burka, like this burden I carry around while I’m this Light of Awareness that peeks out the little slot that those poor women peer out of, trapped in the damn things, and I wonder if that’s why I get those double-takes so often from strangers, the he’s just another old guy sitting there just like everyone else and I’ve got a million wait what was that, there’s something odd about him, oh crap he caught me peering at him, quick look down at your phone… I wonder if that’s it, a burka-thing, a Light peering out of this damn lump of flesh covering me up, but that sounds really pompous cause it sounds like I’m special, but everyone’s wearing a burka, they just don’t know it and I wonder if that was the intended meaning of the angel in It’s A Wonderful Life who was trying to get his wings, was he just trying to get rid of his burka? That in service to others you “earn” your wings, drop the burka? Dunno, probably stretching that one, but man, why is my mind so flooded with these spiritual ideas all of the sudden? Is it Michelle re-starting her practice? I like that she has faith, that she doesn’t do what I tell her, that would be kinda creepy cult-like, but takes my meaning and bends it to fit her life. I say “A” and she makes it into “A-prime”. It’s beautiful and cool, but whatever, at least I’ve finally got some material to blog about, maybe I’ll write about Faith this morning, yeah, kinda excited about that, but I need a photo and look at that, morning light, perfect for photography, time to get up and man, do I have to pee. Does standing up make you need to pee? Is it a gravity thing? There’s no one around camp, so I can pee outside and please don’t let the door be jammed and whooo it’s nippy out and look at my sandals sitting there on the ground, I can actually see the Light shining up out of the soil around them. Damn, I wish I could capture that in my photos, capture Her Light, but seriously now, maybe you should start censoring what you write about, if [REDACTED] ever takes off, they’ll be looking into your personal life and if they ever got inside your head they’d have you committed in a heartbeat…
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